Star Trek Voyager Voyages: Season 1

Since Ro Karen of the Starbase 66 podcast has been micro-blogging her foray into one of our favourite fandoms (the Buffyverse) on G+, we thought we’d do the same for one of her’s, Star Trek: Voyager. We update these mini reviews on our G+ about once a week—whenever we finish off a disc.

Episode 1-2: Caretaker
On a mission to the Badlands, the USS Voyager, along with a Maquis ship, is stranded in the Delta Quadrant, more than 70,000 light-years from home by an incredibly powerful being known as “Caretaker.”

I’d never seen this episode so I’d never really understood what the Maquis were doing on board. Things make a little more sense now and the Chakotay/Janeway dynamic is kind of interesting at this point. Though you can tell he’s too much of a “nice guy” to ever really plot a mutiny—so what’s the point of his character then? If this had been made post-BSG, there’d have been more a Machiavellian power struggle between the two.

Episode 137 – Underworld: Awakening

The fourth installment in the franchise—and the proper sequel to the second film Underworld: Evolution—finds our heroine, Selene, awakening from twelve years in stasis to a world where humans have purged Vampires and Werewolves to the point of extinction. This is really the only place the franchise could be taken. This place being the Resident Evil films.

Co-directors Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein borrow more than a few pages from the Paul W.S. Anderson schlock-fests:

Page 1—We see a back-story of where a True Blood-style “Great Revelation” results in lycanthropy and vampirism being treated as like T-virus infections with paramilitary units going on search and destroy missions.

Page 2—Selene breaks out of a glass stasis tube, naked, in an Umbrella Corporation lab (here trading under the name AntiGen) and has to kill her way past endlessly respawning guards who luckily have a bad case of the Stormtroopers as far as their marksmanship goes.

Page 3—Selene has to make sense of the world she’s awoken to while trying to complete a quest against insurmountable odds.

Page 4—Selene fights with rotten looking dogs in a dark, cramped space.

Page 5—Selene teams up with a preternaturally strong and intelligent child sidekick.

Page 6—A genetically enhanced werewolf bears a striking similarities to Nemesis, at least in concept.

Page 7—Selene shoots two guns at the same time. A lot.

But to be fair, Mårlind and Stein borrow pages from other sources as well. Twilight and True Blood get their due in the form of a love triangle between being set up for the unavoidable next film. An Edward-esque vampire named David seems poised to come between Selene and her missing werewold/vampire hybrid boyfriend Michael. Really, this film has everything.

Except zombies. I’m holding out hope for those later in the series. In fact, if the next film doesn’t see a vaccine for vampirism and lycanthropy going horribly awry and turning humans into the walking dead, I’ll be demanding my money back. And I’ll be swearing a lot while I do it.

What the film doesn’t have, besides zombies, are engaging performances by any of the actors—including a sleep-walking Stephen Rea. For a film that is trying so hard to be Resident Evil, they seem to have forgotten Milla Jovovich is interesting to watch even if she’s just eating dry toast. Kate Beckinsale is about as interesting as watching dry toast. The first Underworld film became a cult favourite due mostly to the Adam West-meets-William Shatner camp of Shane Brolly and Bill Nighy‘s terrible (awesome) performances. No one here seems willing to make a fool of themselves and that’s the film’s great loss.

What the film does do well is bulk up on the gore. Finally the violence in Underworld is as dark and visceral as as war between vampires and werewolves should be. Unfortunately you have to endure some terrible 3D at the same time.

Apparently this was one of the first features filmed with the Red Epic cameras being used in The Hobbit. Since Awakening features some of the worst cardboard cut-out 3D I’ve seen since the rebirth of 3D, things don’t bode well for Middle Earth. In several scenes it’s exactly like you’re looking at a diorama with layered planes of paper dolls instead of experiencing an immersive world.

In a lot of ways Awakening is a better film than the previous Underworld films. But that actually makes it a less enjoyable film. And if you’re just going to see Beckinsale’s ass wrapped in vinyl, find a picture on the Internet—it’ll last longer.

Fotoshop by Adobé

Episode 136 – FOODIE HURDLES

Fetal duck - click to embiggenate

In a triumphant return to drunkcasting, we talk about foodies and the unique nerdiness that food inspires in douchebags people. How is it that, unlike sci-fi nerds, food nerds seem to command so much respect at social gatherings?

Or do they? In our heart of hearts most of us curse them as douchebags while they make a show of sniffing their wine or waxing poetic about the complexities of a cake of mould exotic cheese.

If this is so, then what exactly is it that leaves a bad taste in our mouths about food snobbery? It could be that fine food has historically been a class indicator. Something we all hate is having our betters flaunt their wealth in our faces. Worse, we can’t abide one of our equals making a ham-fisted attempt at class-jumping by developing an interest in wine.

In both cases there’s always the suspicion gourmands who claim to enjoy balut or sheep’s brains are either pretentious to the point of delusion or are flat-out lying.

But then most cultures outside of the North American suburbs eat pretty much anything that isn’t outright poisonous. As a child I remember being delighted and horrified by the frogs legs plot line in The Muppet Movie. Which brings us to…

Which will make more sense after you listen to the episode.

Episode 135 – Vacation Viewing 2

Another gap between episodes since we went on vacation for the holidays. The same as the last time we went away, we watched some movies and TV shows we’d never normally watch.

For instance, Mandi was deadset against Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Jakob wasn’t keen on seeing the 2011 American remake of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. He also outright refused to watch Glee on the plane as Mandi likewise chose to avoid Cowboys & Aliens. Unfortunately, we both tried to watch the aptly titled, Suckerpunch.

Those are just a few of the good and bad experiences we share with you in this episode.

Butter Turd: 2011 Top Terms

2011. It’s over. But before I reveal what the top search terms of the year are—because you all give such a rat’s ass about that—let’s see what December had to offer…

Chad Kroeger and Voldemort

azkaban chad kroeger: At first I thought, this is silly. If being a douche-hole was a wizarding crime, then Azkaban would have been overfilled with Ravenclaws long ago. Stuck-up biotches. But then I realized that putting a Deatheater in a cell with Chad Kroeger is probably the only thing that would scare them enough to betray Voledemort. Well played, Aurors, well played.

butter turd: One of the things I find most fascinating about the human body is that even if you eat a diet consisting entirely of milk, you still can’t use your poo for butter.

Episode 134 – TRILOGIES

Like all good things that come in threes, Nerd Hurdles celebrates its 3rd birthday today! Three cheers—or these days, woots—for us!

Everybody loves a good trilogy. But we ask you: Has there ever been a good trilogy?

Just like people you pick-up in bars, or in line at a sci-fi convention, somewhere along the line they inevitably let you down. Most often the brilliant first installment is a cash cow that studios want to milk to death. That’s understandable. If we could spin Nerd Hurdles into three progressively crappy, but profitable, podcasts, you can bet your ticket stubs we sure as hell would.

Pirates of the Caribbean, The Lost Boys, Robocop, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jurassic Park, Star Wars and The Terminator are all fantastic stand-alone films. They all tell complete stories that need no further elaboration and, by the very nature of their endings being so neatly tied up in bows, guarantee only diminishing returns with each dip in the well.

The worst, and most obvious, offender is probably The Matrix. Parts 2 and 3 are so obviously pulled out of asses that cinemas are still spraying Nilodor on seats trying to get the shit smell out.

Then you have proper trilogies. Stories that were conceived from the start as having three chapters. X-Men and Spiderman both started off on the right track but the ball was unexpectedly dropped—off a cliff, with lead weights attached  into a sea of lava— in the third act.

Vampires vs. werewolves underdog, Underworld, didn’t even manage to get a proper third act as first installment’s poor box-office performance meant acts II and III were amalgamated into the already in-production second film. Ironically, the strength of the franchise’s cult-following got a pointless prequel greenlit.

Ultimately, the most successful “trilogies” are often open-ended film series that happened to have only three installments produced. The celebrated Man With No Name trilogy isn’t really a trilogy at all as it’s really three separate stories which happen to involve Clint Eastwood’s iconic character. A man who who doesn’t even have a name so could actually be argued to be three separate characters. If you’re the kind of guy who’d get drunk at a party and argue that. (Why are you looking at me?)

One of my favourite trilogies,Toy Story, arguably gets better with each film. But each could quite happily exist without the other two. The relatively consistent Mission: Impossible movies (up to four installments now) are really no more than stand alone episodes in the tradition of James Bond films. Only the ham-fisted call-back to Alan Rickman‘s “Hans Gruber” character makes Die Hard III a legitimate part three (and yes, there’s a part four in that franchise too).

So what are the perfect trilogies. Is there one that tells a three-part story and doesn’t stumble in the final lap.

Most film buffs would cite The Godfather but we couldn’t watch past the first film. We’re willing to grant the other two are equally as crappy. Or brilliant, whatever.

Lord of the Rings could be a contender though it’s not so much three films as a single three-part film—there is a difference.

Highlander is balls from the get-go. Even ignoring the ignominious 4th film, Indiana Jones is at least 50% terrible. Same goes for other classic four-part trilogies The Terminator, Scream and Alien. And don’t forget a six-part debacle of a trilogy called Star Wars. Fairing no better are popular favourites Back To The Future and the not-even-a-trilogy Ghost Busters.

Throw in Blade, Cruel Intentions, Darkman, Rush Hour, Crocodile Dundee and low-blows like BloodRayne or Cyborg Cop and I think we can just agree that bad things come in threes.

November 2011: crippling self doubt and cheesy horror

The image below has nothing to do with anything but being awesome. Actual, crazy, IRL search terms that got people to this blog in November 2011 to follow…

wesley crusher ball gag: I don’t think this is a sex thing. Just a “Shut up, Wesley” thing.

wesley crusher porn: I also refuse to believe this is a sex thing. More of a form of torture employed by the U.S. occupation in Afghanistan ever since water boarding got a bad rap.

masturbate on wesley crusher: Okay, this might be a sex thing. I’m wondering who is supposed to be masturbating on him though. My bet is Data.

star trek wesley crusher dies: I found no evidence of this. But I did find this disturbing tidbit: “Wesley has a birthmark in the buttocks or groin area and is allergic to metorapan treatments.” (source)

Episode 133 – The Muppets

In honour of the brilliant new The Muppets movie, we return to this subject to give it a more in depth analysis than in our puppetry episode (yeah right).

But we do, of course, recast TNG yet again. Naturally with Muppets this time around. The graphic below is the finalized recasting we started on the episode.

And also here is as promised… Michael Gorn.

Episode 132: Television Talent Shows

This week we talk about television talent contests. Amazingly, we forgot to talk about Mandi’s experience in the live audience for Canada’s Battle of the Blades. And the Gong Show (see below).

Videos:

Warriors of Goja

“Red”

“Grace Slick”

“Jack Osbourne Seal Kid”

Sand paining

The Gong Show

Links:

Air Canada’s creepy executive pods.

Star Trek TNG Season 8 on Twitter.

Search Terms Oct. 2011: “the internet is a weird place”

the internet is a weird place: I have no idea exactly what you’re talking about.

pond anime adult: I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. I hesitate to assume “pond anime” isn’t a thing, because when dealing with anime, anything is potentially a thing. Even a whole sub-genre set in ponds. And, naturally, involving sex.

ponography+word+gaints: “Ponography” refers, as if you didn’t know, to pictures of ponds. The internet is rife with anime ponography. Especially that which involves “gaints”, small creatures named such because they “ain’t giant.”

hurdles in life christina aguilera had: Apparently in an elementary school somewhere Yoda is writing a history report on the former teen diva.

why you mad though: I appreciate how they tried to grammar up the angering “Why U Mad Tho” meme.

hayao miyazaki vs tim burton: This would be a cage match worth witnessing. But, now that I think of it,  I’d also like to witness Miyazaki’s take on Alice In Wonderland, Willy Wonka and Sleepy Hollow. More so than Studio Ghibli’s upcoming Miyazaki-less and rather straight looking take on The Borrowers.