For some reason I thought the WTF factor of people’s search strings had greatly declined in August. Boy was I the F wrong.
old ladys tattoed: Getting tattooed or young people getting old ladies tattooed on them? I hope it’s old ladies getting old ladies tattooed on themselves. Like those paintings of people holding paintings of themselves that go on into infinity.
tattoo of the name ‘riker’: Wouldn’t it be awful to be named Riker and in, say, 1986 you got it tattooed on your back in gothic script? Or maybe that’d be rad.
gay emo nerd: People are usually only one or two of these things. Some go for the trifecta. Others look for them on Google for the lulz.
nerd tweed pants: “Nerd tweed” is a specific weave.
startrek twighlight data: Data does kind of sparkle in sunlight. That doesn’t excuse you from getting your Twilight on my Star Trek though.
wanna be geek sheek: Why be a mere infidel geek when you could be the Sheikh of all geeks? Except that Wil Wheaton beat you too it.
masonic game baseball: 9 innings representing the planets, 3 strikes representing the points of an angle, 1 umpire symbolizing the great architect… it all adds up!
nerdism slang: Check out the Geektionary.
three dimensional fire images: Maybe it’s because I didn’t get enough sleep last night but… my mind is kind of blown by the concept that someone Googled “three dimensional fire images”. What would that even look like? For some reason I keep thinking Magic-Eye poster. Or a blocky fireplace like in the “Money For Nothing” video.
hot gingers guys: My vote is for those Weasley twins. Remember when Eric Stolz was cute? What happened there? There’s a firecrotch that got doused with ice water.
picture of flawed structure: The most flawed structure I know.
library book geek nerd sex: I think a book on animal husbandry would be the nerdiest sex book in the library. Also might tell you how to create that long sought-after geek/nerd hybrid upon which the fate of the world rests.
emo guys called balne: I’d be emo too if my name were Balne. How do you say that? Ballnee? Ballnay?
turd machine: We are all turd machines. Unless we’re in a coma. Do we poop when we’re in a coma? I don’t know. I’m going to Google that.
unknown person: He said, “I don’t know who stole my yogurt out of the fridge at work.” She said, ”Try looking them up on the Internet.” He said, ”What should I search for?” She said, ”Unknown person.” He said, “How will I know if it’s them?” She said, “Just type it.”
plakson dating: It’s a new dating service where you can only date Suzie Plakson. (Karen, I have the URL if you want it. Message me.)
nerd difference reality: For three words that seem so profound when stuck next to each other, I’m having an amazingly difficult time gleaning any meaning from them. I’m guessing it has something to do with the singularity.
chasing amy blinking subliminal: Not too many people know there actually are Blipverts in all Kevin Smith films. That’s why America is fat now.
kathryn janeway sexy: I think so. Kennedy just isn’t gay enough to see it.
masonic symbols hoth: Anyone scouring Empire Strikes Back for hidden Masonic imagery needs to get out more. Maybe to a baseball game.
i wanna be a nerd: I suspect you already are.
nerd romance: It was a shelved Christian Slater movie project. Kind of like True Romance but they were LARPers instead of small-time criminals.
jonathan joseph is a huge nerd!: Not so much a search string as a declaration. I like to think Jonathan Joseph typed this.
james rock band pics: She said, “We played Rock Band at James’. It was like totally awesome.” He said, “Are there pics?” She said, “Yeah, someone posted them. Look it up on the internet.” He said, “I typed in rock band pics but all I got was a bunch of cats playing Guitar Hero.” She said, “Don’t be an idiot. Type james rock band pics. Don’t you even know how to use Google?”
battlestar galactica masonic: See “masonic symbols hoth”
classy teacher taking care of nerd actor: This sounds like the premise for a porno.
poster never playing and drinking in the: In the what? In the what?? River? Middle of the expressway? United Arab Emirates? Don’t leave us hanging like that Googler!
what does freemason want in a man: If the subliminal messages Kevin Smith movies taught me anything it’s cocks and cheeseburgers.
one eye freemason: Master: “Worship the Rod of Aesculapius, neophyte!” Neophyte: “Yes, Master.” Master: “No, not the actual Rod of Aesculapius. I meant my penis.” Neophyte: “Oh. Why didn’t you just say the One Eyed Freemason?” Master: “You have a lot to learn about ceremony, neophyte.”
how to destroy death star: He said, “What are we going to do about this death star infestation?” She said, “Look it up on the Internet.” He said, “Hey look! There’s an app for that!”