Darth jesus, unicorn pride and cocoroach porn

June search terms round-up. The Internet hasn’t gotten its mind out of the gutter yet.

you can take this gu from me: No. You keep it.

the kid hacker: He’s like the Horse Whisperer except he lifehacks your kids so they don’t suck.

is ll cool a freemason: Because of the font I thought this was II as in ii. Like 2 Cool. Which I assumed must be a hot new rapper so I Googled it to be all up in the know. Turns out this is  LL as in LL Cool J, a cold old rapper. And who cares if he’s a Freemason? In unrelated news, you can now call me II Kool.

pictures of science quizzes: I get the feeling some kid spent more hours doing image searches hoping to find their upcoming science quiz with the answers filled in than they ever would have studying.

baltar weird face: There is something slightly simian about it.

nerd with tapered pants: Le. Var. Burton.

darth jesus: I dunno. Darth Jesus seems like such an easy gag. Darth Brooks on the other hand is pure frakking genius.

lack of sexuality: This is the only search you can enter into Google that brings up zero hits. There’s nothing on the internet that isn’t somehow sexual. Even vomit.

nerd 1980 jogging shorts: Nerd jogging shorts hadn’t been refined yet in 1979 and by 1981 they were totally played out.

rape tattoo: Is a relatively non-scarring image search. Plus you get to see Mike Tyson kissing a pigeon.

asian fat nerd: Chubby or a devotee of Chow Yun-Fat movies? Or edamame? Soy beans have a much higher fat content than people often realize.

hurdurls in the olympics: A sadly often overlooked long-distance relay event. Competitors vomit into a bucket before passing it off to the next runner. The winning team is the first one to dump their bucket into a bathtub at the end of the course.

beer tasting piss: The urine you evacuate at the end of an all-day beer tasting event is 97% pure Molson Canadian, ready to be collected from the port-a-potty and bottled. Scientific fact. (The remaining 3% is Budweiser).

battlestar galactica daybreak italian .torrent: You haven’t seen “Daybreak” until you’ve seen the Italian rip.

estimated number of larpers in america: Though it’s great someone is taking an interest in the nerdiest of all geekeries, this kind of survey can only lead to death camps and sterilization programs.

christians larping: Communion is basically LARPing the Last Supper. Man, if you add all the Catholics to the above survey, America is positively crawling with LARPers.

on twitter what is a wheaton: A strangely popular regular guy who’s a bit nerdy.

goths in wheaton: I don’t think Wesley Crusher was ever sodomized by the Borg Queen, but I could be wrong.

wesley crusher slash archive: The whole lot. I want EVERY Wesley slash EVER written. Especially the Borg Queen rape fic. And I want it now. The Internet fills people with an unrealistic sense of entitlement.

star trek demotivational slash: I don’t know about you, but all Star Trek slash makes me feel demotivated.

trek rape: Though not as demotivating as J.J. Abrams’ 2009 film. The more I think about it, the more I believe that was some Trek rape right there that was. Raped with lens flares.

i didn’t understand deathly hallows why does bathilda bagshot transform?: What? You didn’t read the book first? Geez, and I thought Harry Potter was supposed to get reluctant readers cracking open books. What business did you think you had going to a Hollywood blockbuster and expecting to understand the plot without reading the book? Kids these days…

keanu reeves look a like: Since the real Keanu Reeves disappeared and the replacement robot didn’t work out, we may as well start looking for look-a-likes. Wait a minute… Why? This Keanu-free world is pretty nice, akshully.

tim burton love notes: Every movie he makes is a love note. To himself.

positive influence poster: Hilter having sex?

classy teacher taking care of nerd name actor: Need
who is in classy teacher taking care of nerd blog: to
trying to find out who is classy teacher taking care of nerd: know.

wee from the internetz: Online shopping, streaming video, social networking and now… Urine! Right on your home computer!

part penis tattoo: “So, you want me to ink a penis on your arm?”

“Naw, man, I can only afford part of a penis.”

“Okay, I’ll sketch something up. What part do you want done?”

“The good part.”

porn tattoo it’s all make believe: It’s kind of wonderful to think someone had to tattoo this reminder on their body. “Porn: It’s All Make Believe”. They look at it every time they pass the adult video store and keep walking. It’s right beside the tattoo that says: “Loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of budda.”

johnny depp chewing gum 21 jump street: This search could be shortened to “depp 21 jump street” since he chews gum in EVERY SCENE HE’S IN.

sex symptom: “Hello, Doctor? I think I may be having sex. I checked WebMD and I have all of the symptoms.”

“You’d better make an appointment. If I had a dime for every wrong self-diagnosis one of you hypochondriacs made on WebMD, I’d be a damn millionaire.”

“So you think I’m alright?”

“I think you’re probably not having sex. But you’d better come in to make sure.”

oversized wax people: Lifesize replicas are so 1761.

хороший плохой злой: “Good Bad Evil.” I dunno why.

d&d vampire glasses: You put them on and everything looks nerdy.

tom hanks a self righteous lousy actor: Probably not the title of his memoirs. Or maybe it could be. I think he still has more of a sense of humour than you’d think by suffering through his self-righteous, lousy movies.

macbeth dust cover: In the ’50s kids used to wrap one around Lady Chatterley’s Lover so the teacher wouldn’t know what they were reading. What someone would want with one now, I don’t know. Building a fire, maybe.

women that smother and strangle: Sex: Male | Age: 42 | Looking for: Women | For: Dating | Hobbies: Hiking, reading, golf | Turn-ons: women that smother and strangle

hippie house: The dopest genre of techno ever.

hippies attack: This week on Midnight Maddness Theatre—A bag of radioactive marijuana turns a commune of mild-mannered pacifists into a cult of homicidal radicals!

hippie bonfire: Hippies like nothing more than drumming around a bonfire. They don’t like having the drums tossed into the bonfire. Or the hippies. Which don’t burn that well anyway.

nerd meets hippie: T’was courtly love upon fyrst sight at the ren faire.

maple syrup beaver pelts canada: Canadaian highways are actually paved with beaver pelts tarred with maple syrup. Little known fact.

luke leia hot kissempire strikes back luke and leia deleted kiss: As much as I think Empire Strikes Back sucks, the 4th draft was worse. But I like the idea of Luke and Leia having more hot times.

stephen harper sexy: Nope. Steve, stop Googling yourself.

most sexy rape: Probably related to this search “2011سكس اغتصاب” The amount of searches we get for various forms of  “rape” in Arabic leads me to believe some of Sadam Hussein’s sons are hiding out somewhere with WiFi access.

strangle rape: These searches just keep getting more and more disturbing.

xxxporn69*sexx: xxxhot**sexxxxy**xxxtimesxXxXx***

suspect sexy: I’m beginning to be suspicious of anything sexy. I also suspect the authors of the above four searches of commiting rape. Including Stephen Harper.

church ladies line up: “Take your time. Do you see the woman who handed you the Chick Tract?”

“Oh, I’m not sure. They all look the same.”

“That’s okay. Take your time. Focus on the faces, not their clothes.”

“I meant the Chick Tracts all look the same. I think… I think it was number 4.”

“Number 4, please step forward. Is it her?”

“Oh, I can’t tell. She was wearing a more disdainful expression and a silly hat. She made me feel like the way I live is wrong. These women look like they want to sell me cupcakes and knitted crafts.”

“Number 4, please make a mean face. No, meaner. More disdainful. Imagine there’s a gay couple who want to get married in your church.”

“That’s her!”

old dracula: Isn’t the point of being a vampire that you don’t age?

unicorn pride: I wonder if lions would be upset if we started calling a herd of unicorns a “pride.” Because we really should. I mean, if they existed.

lost cliff hanger: A reasonable search since in Lost there was only ever one cliffhanger… per commercial break.

jesusmeat: They opened for a band that once opened for Pearl Jam in 1990 but disbanded when the drummer went back to school to become a CGA and the bass player got his roommate’s girlfriend pregnant. Another rock’n’roll dream bites the dust.

cocoroach porn: It’s like regular cockroach porn (featuring an act similar to “gerbilling” but performed with cockroaches or, not un-ironically, the harder to come by dung beetle) but with more chocolate flavouring.

a good cheese pizza: You can use a search engine to find a place with a good cheese pizza (with no veggies and no jesusmeat), but that won’t do you much good if it’s in Chicago or New Jersey. Unless you live in Chicago or New Jersey. In which case you’ll find one in Boise.

lying pizza nerd: “Lying Pizza” is something young wizards eat so they can make up convincing lies so that McGonagall will let them out of class. But only nerds like Hermione know how to make it. Harry found the recipe scribbled in the dust jacket of the Half-Blood Prince’s text book. True story.

9/11 sand people joke: Al-Qaeda didn’t blow up the Trade Center, but we’re meant to think they did. And these blastpoints, too accurate for al-Qaeda. Only Imperial Storm Troopers are this precise.

jian ghomeshi douche: Canadian celebrities, especially CBC radio personalities, have a hard time finding products to brand with their name. I understand the Jian Ghomeshi Fru-Douche® is quite popular with older women.

you have to kill to stay alive muay thai: None of that scoring points for knocking your opponent off their feet bullshit. Let’s take it up a level and make things interesting.

wierd, ugly, nerdy girls with square glasses: So much hate and love in one search. I hope they found what they were looking for.

wesley crusher actor age 20: First, it’s odd someone with such a specific Wil Wheaton search wouldn’t know his name. Second, what’s so great about this?

twin peaks reboot: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 613 other followers

%d bloggers like this: