Not a single person searched for “May the 4th” during the month of May. It’s enough to make you lose faith in the humanity. At least the rest of these searches are batshit crazy enough to restore that faith. If “restore” and “faith” are the correct words to use in this context…
is bella swan autistic: This is an intriguing explanation of many things in Twilight. For instance, perhaps this is why Edward can’t read her thoughts. But I think it’s more likely that, given her delight in things that sparkle, she is actually a magpie.
kate beckinsale is insane in underworld awakening: This puts a much more interesting spin on the film. It’s all a hallucination she’s experiencing while in stasis. It’s like the “Indiana Jones died in the refrigerator at the beginning of Crystal Skull” interpretation.
pizza on people’s faces: I’m guessing it’s like a “pearl necklace” but with bloody pus from an infected penis.
poutine fetish: I’m not sure it’s a fetish so much as a way of life.
stephen harper rapes kittens / harper kitten rape: Apparently this is a popular subject in hentai anime. Tentacles are passé. Kittens and
sociopathic dictators world leaders are in.
pig love: Very different search results than “pi glove”.
traditional chewbacca tattoo: Yeah, all those Día de los Muertos Chewbacca tats are, frankly, jumping the shark a little. IMHO.
gay my little pony porn: I would like someone to attempt to make straight Brony porn. Even if it’ was M/F, it’d still be hella homoerotic.
robot nerd porn: Similarly, I would like someone to attempt to make non-nerdy robot porn.
lego friends porn: Actually, I really would like to see someone make a Friends porn using stop-motion animated LEGO models of Ross, Rachael, Chandler, et al. It might not be sexy, but damn!
lego police city e veronica mars: I do appreciate that someone somewhere built the fictitious Neptune, California, from Veronica Mars out of LEGO and someone tried to find pictures of it. I was unsuccessful.
lego cakes: Not the tastiest cakes. But more fun to play with.
are our homes powered by batteries: Only if we’re Barbies. Though I haven’t ruled out this option. Cosmic Barbies for some child deity. Actually, I have ruled out this option.
star treck warf: A new attraction on the San Francisco waterfront. That’s where Starfleet Academy is located after all. (Note: the C had to be added due to Paramount refusing the licence the attraction).
existentialism examples in hot tub time machine: Master’s thesis, you’re doing it wrong.
images of chad kroegers new girlfriend: Why would you want to see those when you could see this?
baby photos of chad kroeger: “Poison control center. How may I be of assistance?”
“I think I just swallowed poison. What should I do?”
“Induce vomiting. Make like the Romans and tickle the back of your throat with a feather.”
“I don’t have a feather.”
“Do you have access to the Internet?”
“Okay, I have something I want you to Google…””
Yuck. But that didn’t work.”
“In that case, I have something a little stronger I want you to Google…”
chad kroeger gay fanfic: “Did that work?”
wasted: Is there some kind of game people play on the Internet where you just Google a word that’s completely random and nonspecific to anything? And how is that fun?
non -lesbian succomb to lesbian advances: Those hetero bitches gonna gets them knots combed out. Yeeaah.
frodo gay fall in lotr: It’s like the Arab Spring, but it’s the Gay Fall. And nerdier.
zombie its a people: More bad grammar on the Internet. This should read: “Zombie: It was a person.”
sexy ugly nerds: If I were a robot, making sense of this would have smoke coming out my ears. Though I suppose I consider Daniel Craig to be sexy yet ugly so I guess it makes sense. But still…
nurdling fetish: Apparently, this means to taste your own sperm. I guess this changes the focus of the podcast.
flat chested moms: don’t have a problem with that JC Penny gay father’s day ad. Not to be confused with a terrible ska-funk frat-boy band from the ’90s, who do have a problem with the ad.
nerdy skull: I always thought that underneath our skin, Nerd or Normie, we’re all the same. I guess I was naive in that assumption. Some people are clearly nerdy right down to their very marrow.
gambar penis: Even if you pass the Bene Gesserit “humanity test”, you still need to pass the “inhumanity test” where you risk death from a more fearsome weapon than the Gom Jabbar. The Gambar Penis is a radioactive dildo. With rotating barbs. And a shark tied to it.
team lestat: Am I the only person who’d like to see an Interview With The Vampire reboot with Robert Pattinson as Lestat and Daniel Radcliffe as Louis? Oh, I am. I see. Okay, how about this? Michael Fassbender as Lestat and Benedict Cumberbatch as Louis. Uh-huh. Uh-motherfucking-huh.
death hot gaiman: I feel like this is a Luka Magnotta related search.
christina aguilera events of importance: This latest incarnation of the oddly popular search string reminds me of a 1940′s newsreel title. Events… Of… Importance… [insert fanfare].
find the ring lord of the rings illustration: Sauron was a big fan of “hidden object” drawings. He never could find that damn ring though.
“no, it’s” “is it” meme internet: It’s not.
betty labia: Somewhere there’s a misguided burlesque performer with this name.
awakening ass: I haven’t decided what it’ll be about, but I am definitely writing a book called The Awakening Ass. It could be about anything. Politics. The rise of the douchebag in Western culture. Coming out. A children’s book about a donkey rousing from a slumber… endless possibilities.
why do people think that freemasons are evil: The same reason people think cats are evil. They keep secrets. And are smug about it. Also, their breath smells like fish.
why do i sucumb to porn: Because you are dirty and weak.
r2-d2 catch phrases: I don’t know why people look at me like I’m a nerd when I try to work these into conversation. What? You think you’re clever peppering your conversation with Tarantino and Simpsons quotes?
the trouble with harry matthew joseph peak: is his name is too much like John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Biter.
chubaka willy wonka meme: I like to think somewhere there’s a rapper using the stage name Chubaka.
lolo jones dating history: The popular track and field star briefly dated hip-hop hopeful Chubaka in 2007 before “experimenting” with burlesque artist Betty Labia.
have a fetish for boxing: Pugilgism.
star wars hurdler: Trench Run is kind of like doing hurdles. And it’s rather surprisingly awesome, BTW.
combination dick and ass sex toy: That makes no sense at all. I’m picturing a dildo where one end has an anal orifice? Would you use this with someone? To what ends?
voyager vs twilight: Tonight’s topic on the Comparing Things With Less In Common Than Apples and Oranges Debate Series…
star trek voyager hot ferengi: I guess if they were on a Demon Class planet they might be a little warm…
david selene love triangle underworld: I think this triangle is missing a side.
kate beckinsale fucked by plants fake: Yes, that’s right, fake. In case you thought there might be a video of Kate Beckinsale being raped by vines Evil Dead style. For real.
shane brolly naked: Why? No, don’t try to explain it away saying, “Oh, I was being ironic.” Why? WHY?
kate beckinsale.nude in underworld uniform: Again, my robot self has smoke coming out its ears trying to compute the phrase “nude in uniform.”
robert duncan mcneill gay: Amazingly, at a count of 43 this beat out “underworld ass” which came in at a mere 36 searches this month (not including variables). Other related Robert Duncan McNeill searches were the questions “robert duncan mcneill gay?” and “is robert duncan mcneill gay” and the statement “robert duncan mcneill is gay” pulling in a couple hits each. Why the sudden interest in the Tom Paris actor’s sex life?