Darth Wonka: Strange Search Terms (April ’12)

willy wonka meme chewbacca: Oh, you made a snarky meme? Please tell me all about it. Anyway, Darth Vader inexplicably dressed at Willy Wonka… just ‘cuz.

anal, canada, true north: This is a nicely condensed version of the lyrics of our national anthem. They left out “Strong and free” but you get the gism. I mean fist. Dammit. Gist, you get the gist.

chad kroeger shaved: Some things cannot be unseen. Especially when they’re images you’ve conjured in your head after reading a search string. I’d hate to make you to imagine Chad Kroeger’s prickly taint hairs growing back in but, well, there you go.

angelina jolie real photos: “That skeletal harpie is not Angelina Jolie, Google. I said give me Angelina Jolie photos!”

Star Trek Voyager Voyages: Season 4

Season 4 of Star Trek: Voyager starts off on a good, although ridiculously high-heeled, foot.

Episode 69: Scorpion Part 2

Voyager must pass through Borg space, but the arrival of a new species causes problems. Janeway and Tuvok work with the Borg and meet Seven of Nine as they work on developing a weapon against Species 8472 in exchange for safe passage through Borg space.

The Seaons 3 cliffhanger, ”Scoprion, Part 1″, was all about the vaguely absurd Species 8472. ”Part 2″ is all about Seven of Nine who hits the ball out of the park within two seconds of appearing on screen. Even if you can’t help but speculate that surely The Borg would have amputated those cumbersome bosoms. C’mon now, they’re just not efficient. Neither is that steel thong and camel-toe combination. But there’s just something riveting (pun intended) about the character, even before she begins the journey of regaining her humanity.

Do not succumb to porn. Weird search terms, March 2012.

Due to a variety of reasons, I’m way late with our March round-up of unusual search terms. In unrelated news, the world didn’t end.

fashion for 80′s nerds men: A good tip for nailing nerd fashion is to dress like someone in their 80′s.

are birkinstocks for nerds: Only if the nerds are lesbians.

what do mathematicians wear: Birkenstocks.

nerd scum: A colloquial term for the residue build up found on track-pads and mice. It commonly consists of skin cells, sebaceous fluid and Dorito’s seasoning.

the hurdle sex toy: Our plans for the “Wangina”—a combination penis and vagina sex toy—was abandoned. Mostly because we couldn’t figure out what that would look like.

Awesome Crazy Giant Dragons (search terms Feb)

Okay, so let’s just get this out of the way first. Apparently Kate Beckinsale’s ass is the most popular thing on the internet. Ever. I think it’s even giving “zombies” a run for their money. But then, zombies don’t run very fast.

underworld awakening kate beckinsale ass pictures: That is just the crest of a tidal wave of “underworld ass” searches (that one came in a whopping 36 times) this month. Here’s few of the better ones:

• underworld selene ass (13x) — the silver medal winner.
• kate beckinsale underworld ass (7x, plus 3x without the word “kate”)
• underworld girl ass (4x)
• underwirld girl ass — the above wasn’t always spelled correctly.
• kate beckinsale underworld 4 butt ass (2x) — I think “butt-ass” is the new “butthead”.
• kathryn beckinsale ass — the more refined ass Googler uses the long form of her name.
• underwold dat ass — for the more ghetto ass Googler.
• underworld selene butt in tights
• vampire kate beckinsale in lack leder — sometimes these searches are educational “lack leder” is German for patent leather. I didn’t know that. Now I do.
• underworld hot butt — this sounds to me like something you’d get at dim sum.
• kate beckinsale ass pant underworld — actually, I think “asspant” is a better insult than “butt-ass”.
• best selene underworld ass shots  — only the best.
• best pictures of underworlds ass  — only the best pictures of Shane Brolly, plzthx.
• underworld kate ass — For some reason “kate ass” sounds like a condition to me. Like shingles in your crack. “Blimey. Me old kate arse is kickin’ up ag’in like a sack o’ponies.”
• underworld pic ass — I imagine the vinyl tights had Kate’s thong fully wedged in there and it needed to be picked out every night. Sexy.
• underworld asspics — when setting off on a long journey, make sure to pack some vampire butts in aspic. A hearty delicacy.
• kate beckinsale underworld hot — more of a catch-all search, not limited to the butt region.

Search Terms January: Beckinsale’s prosterior and is Suzie Plakson gay?

It’s a brand new year, time to take stock and reflect upon the fact that some things never change…

beckinsale butt / beckinsale ass / beckinsale ass vinyl / underworld awakening ass / underworld awakening selene ass pics / girl from underworld awakening ass: This was kind of a popular search this month. Well, here you go. Pervs.

Butter Turd: 2011 Top Terms

2011. It’s over. But before I reveal what the top search terms of the year are—because you all give such a rat’s ass about that—let’s see what December had to offer…

Chad Kroeger and Voldemort

azkaban chad kroeger: At first I thought, this is silly. If being a douche-hole was a wizarding crime, then Azkaban would have been overfilled with Ravenclaws long ago. Stuck-up biotches. But then I realized that putting a Deatheater in a cell with Chad Kroeger is probably the only thing that would scare them enough to betray Voledemort. Well played, Aurors, well played.

butter turd: One of the things I find most fascinating about the human body is that even if you eat a diet consisting entirely of milk, you still can’t use your poo for butter.

November 2011: crippling self doubt and cheesy horror

The image below has nothing to do with anything but being awesome. Actual, crazy, IRL search terms that got people to this blog in November 2011 to follow…

wesley crusher ball gag: I don’t think this is a sex thing. Just a “Shut up, Wesley” thing.

wesley crusher porn: I also refuse to believe this is a sex thing. More of a form of torture employed by the U.S. occupation in Afghanistan ever since water boarding got a bad rap.

masturbate on wesley crusher: Okay, this might be a sex thing. I’m wondering who is supposed to be masturbating on him though. My bet is Data.

star trek wesley crusher dies: I found no evidence of this. But I did find this disturbing tidbit: “Wesley has a birthmark in the buttocks or groin area and is allergic to metorapan treatments.” (source)

Search Terms Oct. 2011: “the internet is a weird place”

the internet is a weird place: I have no idea exactly what you’re talking about.

pond anime adult: I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. I hesitate to assume “pond anime” isn’t a thing, because when dealing with anime, anything is potentially a thing. Even a whole sub-genre set in ponds. And, naturally, involving sex.

ponography+word+gaints: “Ponography” refers, as if you didn’t know, to pictures of ponds. The internet is rife with anime ponography. Especially that which involves “gaints”, small creatures named such because they “ain’t giant.”

hurdles in life christina aguilera had: Apparently in an elementary school somewhere Yoda is writing a history report on the former teen diva.

why you mad though: I appreciate how they tried to grammar up the angering “Why U Mad Tho” meme.

hayao miyazaki vs tim burton: This would be a cage match worth witnessing. But, now that I think of it,  I’d also like to witness Miyazaki’s take on Alice In Wonderland, Willy Wonka and Sleepy Hollow. More so than Studio Ghibli’s upcoming Miyazaki-less and rather straight looking take on The Borrowers.

Search Terms September: Darth Porn and Stupid Giant Robots

darth porn: I guess George Lucas is running out of words with negative connotations to name new Sith characters after. Darth Tax Au’dit, Darth Plahd Sh’ert and  Darth Hemor-Rhoid all failed to inspire the requisite sense of menace.

how to draw tie fighter: This is a perfectly legitimate search in itself. I started formulating a joke about instead giving instructions for drawing a bow tie and then MY BRAIN IMPLODED. It’s taken me 34 years to figure out they’re called TIE Fighters because they look like fucking bow ties. Fuck you George Lucas and your bullshit naming conventions.

huge thai fighter fuck:
I know it’s entirely unrelated, but now I can only picture Orville Redenbacher fucking a Thai boxing ladyboy.

Search Terms, August 2011: worse than fanfics

They say April is the cruellest month. They’ve clearly never been to Ontario is bloody August. Must be the same everywhere though as people clearly went crazy with the heat.

“john de lancie” “stephen harper”: This is perhaps the most baffling combination of personages I have ever been forced to consider. I really hope it doesn’t mean Q is going to play Harper in a bio-pic or a mini-series. Or that Stephen Harper is trying to figure out how to literally become an all-powerful entity. Most likely someone was looking for this forum thread.

gifs, nerdy: Not particularily nerdy, but these GIFs are pretty amazing. Calling them “cinemagraphs” is actually pretty nerdy. Or douchie.