Since Ro Karen of the Starbase 66 podcast has been micro-blogging her foray into one of our favourite fandoms (the Buffyverse) on G+, we thought we’d do the same for one of her’s, Star Trek: Voyager. We update these mini reviews on our G+ about once a week—whenever we finish off a disc.

Episode 1-2: Caretaker
On a mission to the Badlands, the USS Voyager, along with a Maquis ship, is stranded in the Delta Quadrant, more than 70,000 light-years from home by an incredibly powerful being known as “Caretaker.”

I’d never seen this episode so I’d never really understood what the Maquis were doing on board. Things make a little more sense now and the Chakotay/Janeway dynamic is kind of interesting at this point. Though you can tell he’s too much of a “nice guy” to ever really plot a mutiny—so what’s the point of his character then? If this had been made post-BSG, there’d have been more a Machiavellian power struggle between the two.

But the bigger flaw is in Tom Paris who is entirely unbelievable as a rogue. I had no idea he was supposed to be the Starbuck/Han Solo of the crew. Because, at his very core, Robert Duncan McNeill isn’t. His attempts at being rough-and-tumble and morally ambiguous are, frankly, absurd.

Neelix and Kess are less annoying than I remembered and Tuvok isn’t as bad a Vulcan as I remember. The Doctor hits the ground running though Janeway’s robotic swagger is a little bizzare.

As far as the episode itself goes, it’s far better than anything in the first two or three seasons of TNG. We’re on season 5 of TNG right now and this might actually be better than pretty much everything TNG has had to offer up to this point.

A solid Star Trek episode.

Episode 3: Parallax
Voyager is trapped in a quantum singularity’s event horizon, and Captain Janeway must decide between Lt. Carey and former Maquis B’Elanna Torres to be the new chief engineer.

Another good episode in the classic Star Trek style. Quantum physics and problem solving. Garrett Wang is a terrible actor as evidenced by his terrible headache acting. They already seem to be moving Tom Paris’s character away from rogue towards bumbling moron. A good move since he plays that role well. B’Elanna Torres makes a better crew rogue. This still leaves Chakotay in limbo as to his role in the ensemble. Again The Doctor is the best part of the episode.

Episode 4: Time and Again
Captain Kathryn Janeway and Tom Paris are sent back in time one day before an alien planet is annihilated. They attempt to stop the explosion that destroys the planet.

This episode starts off with a dialogue between Paris and Kim lifted from a Happy Days script where Fonzie is trying to get Richie to go on a double date with some hot sisters. It also ends with this dialogue. The title is a bit of a spoiler. Tom Paris continues to descend into idiocy which begs the question “Why is he on the away team?” other than Janeway was hoping he’d get red-shirted. Poor old Chakotay is stuck on the bridge wondering what he’s doing there. There’s a kid on this planet-of-the-week which was clearly bred in the same lab they get all annoying Star Trek kids from. Another good script surpassing anything in the first 4 seasons of TNG.

Episode 5: Phage
An organ-harvesting species known as the Vidiians steal Neelix’s lungs, leaving him to die.

I was just talking to the Starbase 66 crew about social commentary in sci-fi. Here’s some. Organ harvesting was the fear du jour in the mid-nineties. Topical. The Phage looks really gross. Leprosy is a perennial fear. Holographic lungs were a pretty original idea. Some great humanist moments between characters. The Doctor’s Data/Spock search for humanity is progressing nicely. Chakotay finally got to leave the ship though all he got to do on the away mission was be bitchy. On the second away mission Janeway takes charge (in a sort of charging in blindly bat-shit crazy kind of way). Why is Chakotay even on the show?

Episode 6: The Cloud
The crew enter a nebula to collect samples before realizing it is a living organism.

Sort of a Farpoint-esque episode involving a living nebula. Basically, ol’ bat-shit Janeway risks the crew for a cup of coffee. Chakotay finally has a role in the ensemble. He’s the spirit advisor for the crew! In a completely racist let’s just mix-up every American aboriginal tradition we learned from old westerns in a blender kind of way. But at least he has a purpose now. He helps ol’ bat-shit crazy find her spirit animal which is, wait for it, a frakking gecko. Anyway, even though they’re rationing the food replicators (no coffee for Captain Bat-Shit!), they’re running the holodeck at full-throttle. Lame plot, good character moments.

Episode 7: Eye Of The Needle
A micro-wormhole is discovered that leads to the Alpha Quadrant, and the crew make contact with a Romulan ship on the other side.

Romulans, time rifts, wormholes, humanism in times of war … this is about as Star Trek as you can get. This episode is basically the first in a long line of disappointments the crew will face trying to get home. I can see this being a bit of a problem when you know there’s seven seasons between now and getting home. You know how these episodes are going to end.

Episode 8: Ex Post Facto
Tom Paris is convicted of murder on an alien world, and his punishment is reliving the murder from the victim’s perspective every 14 hours.

Basically a remake of that TOS episode where Scotty is accused of killing a prostitute Kirk set him up with (Ah the social commentary!). And there must be a Riker episode like this. This time out it’s Tom Paris who still isn’t believable as a ladies’ man. But he is believable as the dolt who’d get himself in trouble on an away mission. Clearly his role is going to be “plot-driving liability” for the rest of the series. Anyway, I always like it when Trek hauls out the who-dun-it episodes. Janeway makes some bat-hit crazy faces. Good times.

Additional thoughts: Kes is a great character. Why they wrote her out instead of Chakotay is baffling me at this point. I say Chakotay instead of Tom Paris or Harry Kim because there has to be a Geordie and that’s Kim. A plot can always use “the boring guy.” Paris and Chakotay are fighting over the Riker scraps and Paris is actually winning due to his buffoon edge. At least he can drive the plot. Chakotay could have been deleted from every episode up to this point without changing anything—or anyone on the crew even noticing.

Though I can see why the producers want Neelix and Kes to have free-run of the ship (variety, plot driving), it seems absurd to me that the otherwise by-the-books Janeway allows them on the bridge. Ever. I guess it’s part of her bat-shit craziness. She likes their whimsy.

Episode 9: Emanations
Harry Kim is transported to an alien world at the same time a dead body [wrapped in web] arrives on Voyager.

Chakotay’s Native American lineage actually serves a purpose in this episode instead of being ham-fisted in. So much so you have to wonder just why they made this a Harry Kim episode. A classic philosophical (as in blatant religion-bashing) Trek clash-of-cultures story. Great performance by Jefrey Alan Chandler who delivers some truly absurd monologues totally convincingly. Still disappointed no giant spider showed up.

Episode 10: Prime Factors
A race that could shorten Voyager’s journey with a transportation device will not share its technology.

Another Harry Kim heavy episode, though he makes sense in his role here. It’d make more sense Tom Paris was hitting on the alien girl, but he’d have been happy to get jiggy with it on the planet she beams them to and, since he’s a moron, not mention the technology to Janeway. Ergo, no episode. Finally the Maquis/Starfleet crew conflict is showing its potential with Siska and Torres. Tuvoc gets more interesting. Janeway exists in a bubble all her own.

Episode 11: Prime Factors
Janeway and the other senior officers attempt to flush out a spy who is sending information to the Kazon.

And the interesting Maquis/Starfleet crew conflict is over before it started. Bye bye Siska, you were too interesting to be on the show. You were making Tom, Harry and Chakotay look bad. Good DS9-esque episode even if the Kazon are actually pretty boring adversaries.

Episode 12: Heroes and Demons
The holographic doctor must rescue crew members who were turned to energy in the Holodeck, by entering a holodeck program of Beowulf.

Robert Picardo gets to shine as The Doctor in this holodeck malfunction episode where placing a character on the holodeck actually serves a narrative purpose for his character. It adds another level of “out of water” to his fish out of water existence and gives him a safe environment to explore his latent humanity. The beginning of this episode must have had the Harry Kim haters rejoicing as it looks like a perfect excuse to write him out. But about mid-point you realize this isn’t the case. Actually, these last four episodes have made me appreciate Harry a little more. In the way that he’s really no less interesting than Geordie, he just doesn’t have a banana clip. Any TNG episode where Geordie loses the VISOR, he basically becomes a black Harry Kim. Maybe these four episode have just made me appreciate Geordie less. In other news, I’m convinced Kate Mulgrew was cast for her ability to cock an eyebrow. I don’t think she says a line without emphasizing it using some kind of saucy facial tick. She’s a hoot.

Episode 13: Cathexis
An alien mind takes over crew-members’ bodies, and Chakotay is left apparently brain-dead after something attacks his shuttlecraft.

This episode starts off with Janeway taking part in a holodeck novel. It’s a gothic romance which kind of makes no sense at all. Would she really choose that? It seems wrong for her character. It’s also not mentioned again in the entire episode. I was concerned this meant either the writing of the show is actually going to generally get sloppier for a while or we’re going to have to endure this silly charade for a while. The rest of the episode was a pretty good rehash of that old Star Trek trope: the alien consciousness taking over the crew. Chakotay’s gestalt first nations heritage gets some more screen time.

Episode 14: Faces
B’Elanna Torres is split into her human and Klingon halves by the Vidiians.

The Vidiians make a comeback in the second Phage episode. This one makes them one the most chilling Trek baddies with their face-grafting horror-show. The Kazon and the Borg and the Cardassians need to takes notes from these guys. I think it’s the fact the Vidiians are sort of innocently self-centered that makes them great adversaries. Like really polite Reavers. “The fanfic writes itself” as B’Elanna gets split into her human and Klingon halves and the Klingon half fireman carries the human half into a love cave. Mandi was upset about how weak and flinchy the human B’Elanna was, feeling it could be taken a statement on all human women. I could see her point but felt it was a natural response to the situation by her human half, as you could assume her Klingon side always took care of the perilous situations. Anyway, a sort of ham-fisted statement on being a mixed race female probably written by a white man (actually, it was: Kenneth Biller).

Episode 15: Jetrel
A member of the Haakonians, a race warring with the Talaxians arrives on Voyager, much to the dismay of Neelix, whose family was killed by them.

Another standard Star Trek trope: the atomic bomb / WWII allegory episode. Here we have a jew/Japanese hybrid (Neelix) confronting an Oppenheimer/Goebbels hybrid (Jetrel). Ethan Philips does some nice acting. Neelix really is a pretty good character, if a tad annoying. The romance between him and Kes is shown to be completely absurd in this episode though. There is beyond zero chemistry between the two. It would have been a better dynamic if they’d set Neelix up as Kes’ adopted father instead. It would have made more sense and they could still have cared about each other. Her aloofness would have made more sense then too. Anyway, another decent, if heavy-handed, episode. I feel like they shied too much away from the idea the Talaxians committed atrocities during the war as well. The Neelix being a conscientious objector twist was a little too pat.

Episode 16: Learning Curve
Tuvok trains several Maquis members who have not fully integrated into the Voyager crew.

A bunch of Maquis characters we probably never see again learn some lessons, as does Tuvok. Neelix pulls a Guinan. Janeway goes back to her Turn of the Wuthering Screw holo-novel meaning we’re going to have to endure more of this silliness in the future. Well, at least it redeems the writing in “Cathexis” a bit.

The fourth installment in the franchise—and the proper sequel to the second film Underworld: Evolution—finds our heroine, Selene, awakening from twelve years in stasis to a world where humans have purged Vampires and Werewolves to the point of extinction. This is really the only place the franchise could be taken. This place being the Resident Evil films.

Co-directors Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein borrow more than a few pages from the Paul W.S. Anderson schlock-fests:

Page 1—We see a back-story of where a True Blood-style “Great Revelation” results in lycanthropy and vampirism being treated as like T-virus infections with paramilitary units going on search and destroy missions.

Page 2—Selene breaks out of a glass stasis tube, naked, in an Umbrella Corporation lab (here trading under the name AntiGen) and has to kill her way past endlessly respawning guards who luckily have a bad case of the Stormtroopers as far as their marksmanship goes.

Page 3—Selene has to make sense of the world she’s awoken to while trying to complete a quest against insurmountable odds.

Page 4—Selene fights with rotten looking dogs in a dark, cramped space.

Page 5—Selene teams up with a preternaturally strong and intelligent child sidekick.

Page 6—A genetically enhanced werewolf bears a striking similarities to Nemesis, at least in concept.

Page 7—Selene shoots two guns at the same time. A lot.

But to be fair, Mårlind and Stein borrow pages from other sources as well. Twilight and True Blood get their due in the form of a love triangle between being set up for the unavoidable next film. An Edward-esque vampire named David seems poised to come between Selene and her missing werewold/vampire hybrid boyfriend Michael. Really, this film has everything.

Except zombies. I’m holding out hope for those later in the series. In fact, if the next film doesn’t see a vaccine for vampirism and lycanthropy going horribly awry and turning humans into the walking dead, I’ll be demanding my money back. And I’ll be swearing a lot while I do it.

What the film doesn’t have, besides zombies, are engaging performances by any of the actors—including a sleep-walking Stephen Rea. For a film that is trying so hard to be Resident Evil, they seem to have forgotten Milla Jovovich is interesting to watch even if she’s just eating dry toast. Kate Beckinsale is about as interesting as watching dry toast. The first Underworld film became a cult favourite due mostly to the Adam West-meets-William Shatner camp of Shane Brolly and Bill Nighy‘s terrible (awesome) performances. No one here seems willing to make a fool of themselves and that’s the film’s great loss.

What the film does do well is bulk up on the gore. Finally the violence in Underworld is as dark and visceral as as war between vampires and werewolves should be. Unfortunately you have to endure some terrible 3D at the same time.

Apparently this was one of the first features filmed with the Red Epic cameras being used in The Hobbit. Since Awakening features some of the worst cardboard cut-out 3D I’ve seen since the rebirth of 3D, things don’t bode well for Middle Earth. In several scenes it’s exactly like you’re looking at a diorama with layered planes of paper dolls instead of experiencing an immersive world.

In a lot of ways Awakening is a better film than the previous Underworld films. But that actually makes it a less enjoyable film. And if you’re just going to see Beckinsale’s ass wrapped in vinyl, find a picture on the Internet—it’ll last longer.

Fotoshop by Adobé

Fetal duck - click to embiggenate

In a triumphant return to drunkcasting, we talk about foodies and the unique nerdiness that food inspires in douchebags people. How is it that, unlike sci-fi nerds, food nerds seem to command so much respect at social gatherings?

Or do they? In our heart of hearts most of us curse them as douchebags while they make a show of sniffing their wine or waxing poetic about the complexities of a cake of mould exotic cheese.

If this is so, then what exactly is it that leaves a bad taste in our mouths about food snobbery? It could be that fine food has historically been a class indicator. Something we all hate is having our betters flaunt their wealth in our faces. Worse, we can’t abide one of our equals making a ham-fisted attempt at class-jumping by developing an interest in wine.

In both cases there’s always the suspicion gourmands who claim to enjoy balut or sheep’s brains are either pretentious to the point of delusion or are flat-out lying.

But then most cultures outside of the North American suburbs eat pretty much anything that isn’t outright poisonous. As a child I remember being delighted and horrified by the frogs legs plot line in The Muppet Movie. Which brings us to…

Which will make more sense after you listen to the episode.

Another gap between episodes since we went on vacation for the holidays. The same as the last time we went away, we watched some movies and TV shows we’d never normally watch.

For instance, Mandi was deadset against Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Jakob wasn’t keen on seeing the 2011 American remake of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. He also outright refused to watch Glee on the plane as Mandi likewise chose to avoid Cowboys & Aliens. Unfortunately, we both tried to watch the aptly titled, Suckerpunch.

Those are just a few of the good and bad experiences we share with you in this episode.

2011. It’s over. But before I reveal what the top search terms of the year are—because you all give such a rat’s ass about that—let’s see what December had to offer…

Chad Kroeger and Voldemort

azkaban chad kroeger: At first I thought, this is silly. If being a douche-hole was a wizarding crime, then Azkaban would have been overfilled with Ravenclaws long ago. Stuck-up biotches. But then I realized that putting a Deatheater in a cell with Chad Kroeger is probably the only thing that would scare them enough to betray Voledemort. Well played, Aurors, well played.

butter turd: One of the things I find most fascinating about the human body is that even if you eat a diet consisting entirely of milk, you still can’t use your poo for butter.

{searchterms}photobucket.com/nude body painting: As opposed to clothed body painting. Which is actually clothes painting. And will get you in big trouble with your mom. Clothes don’t grow on trees you know. Not even 100% cotton chinos.

catch phrases, r2-d2, navigator: Anyone who doesn’t think R2 had all the best lines in Star Wars is crazy. When I’m at a party I always try to work “Bweeep-doolooloo-bwerp-bweeeooo” into a conversation. That means, turn right at the next star system. Or, perhaps, C-3P0 is a big nelly bottom.

penis-cook-crusher: One too many hyphens for this to make sense. A penis that crushes cooks or a crusher of penis cooks? Or even a kitchen appliance that crushes penises for chefs who specialize in penis dishes. Just what are you looking for?

sims 3 penis and sims girl pooping: Somebody is hard up for porn. And apparently they don’t have Sims 3 themselves so they have to image search for their SIMfetish pics.

what song is playing in bathtub time machine during the prison second life scene: I like when people ask Google questions as if it were their roommate. I also like the idea of a “bathtub” time machine. That’d be a better movie. Anyway, the song is, apparently, “About To Burst” by some dude named Ken Tamplin.

samantha nutt bitch: For some reason I feel like “Nutty Bitch” would be the “wacky” name a micro-brewery would give their nut brown ale. Dr. Samantha Nutt, on the other hand, is the Executive Director of War Child Canada. And kind of hot in an I’m not quite Sarah Michelle Gellar kind of way. I guess that makes her a bitch.

showing picture penis cock keanu reeves: $17 reward for anyone who can produce a photo that shows Keanu Reeves is, as we all suspect, a penis cock.

lineup haircut: I had no idea what this meant until today. I’m pretty damn white.

shit bob haircut: The “shit bob”, on the other hand, is not an actual haircut. Though describes my grade 12 hairdo quite nicely.

what’s wrong with small people: Their shit bob haircuts, for starters.

lord of king illustration: The second result in an image search is this. Which I suspect is 180 degrees from whatever the person was actually looking for.

puns meat manger baby jesus: The term “meat manger” gives me 101 icky feelings. Whether it is a manger full of pulled pork or just a euphemism for a vagina, it’s all wrong. Either way, I don’t get where puns come into it. Unless it’s from the French manger, to eat. As in Eat my meat manger, Baby Jesus!

jesus humper: Wants their meat manger manger’d.

masonic baby jesus / weird baby jesus / gross baby jesus: You can find all these at the fantastic Tumblr, Ugly Renaissance Babies.

“crucified men” erection: Calling your boner a crucified man is one of the strangest euphemisms ever. I’m guessing it’s another way of saying blue balls. “Dude, I was eating her meat manger all night and she sent me home with a crucified man.” “That’s cold, bro.”

rachel, monica, phoebe, joey, chandler, ross of party: “Yeah, Matt was the life of the patty for sure. But Ken, he was the Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Ross of the party.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I… don’t know.”

muay thai collarges: I’d almost believe a “collarge” is a type of upper body lunge. Or a throw where you grab your opponent by the collar bones and slam them on your knee. Then rip the collar bones right out of their skin. I guess that’s more Mortal Kombat than Muay Thai though.

cool pic to draw a perfect fighter: Someone’s got to start a pay site with reference photos for kids learning to draw manga warriors. They’d make a killing. For a bout a week before all the pics were posted on someone’s DA in various collarges.

nerd powered batteries: If gaming consoles could be powered by nerds, the inevitable energy crisis would be delayed by at least five years.

latest tube of oldhomosexual: Never mind the obvious observation that this person has apparently seen every video of old homosexuals posted online already, but when the hell did the word “tube” become synonymous with porn? Or maybe I’m interpreting this wrong and aging queers come in convenient squeeze tubes now.

mary mcdonnell facelift: Say it ain’t so. Well, in retrospect, it was obviously so.

is it correct to say socialculturalism: Depends how fond of redundancy you are.

twilight meets anne rice: It’s called True Blood.

joggingshorts piss: Not being remotely active, this is something I had never considered. Of course, if I tried to jog these days, my shirt, shorts and shoes would be wet with my own vomit.

air quotes: Useful when searching for…

“a nerd store”: Using quote marks helps refine your searches. For instance, when you’re looking for a single “nerd store” and not multiple locations.

nerd hurdles – the wrath of khan: I don’t think we’ve ever talked in depth about Wrath of Khan. But maybe we should.

calling names in the internet badass: The saddest aspect of cyber bullying (aside from the resultant suicides) is the grammar, or lack there of.

dandy poet: Poets like to believe there are poets who are not dandies.

unicorn on shrooms: You don’t want to meet a tripping unicorn. That guy will fuck you up.

flanders razor: Is a principle similar to Ockham’s Razor, only this is where the most irritatingly sincere and overbearingly friendly theory is the correct one. Especially if it lives next door.

jesus nailing naked to cross: “And then the Lord nailed the very concept of Nudity to the Cross and we were Clothed for evermore.”

zombis zombie in movie: When a zombie gets bitten by a zombie, it gets turned into the zombis. You haven’t seen scary shit until you’ve seen the zombis, or “zombie²”.

successful lt worf: I don’t think “successful” is exactly the word I’d use to describe Worf. His career in Starfleet was sort of moderately adequate and he was the Tom Paris of Klingons. As a source of comic relief in the last three seasons though, he was stellar.

old lady with tattoo: Yeah, she’s still young in this picture, but she’s been dead for like a hundred years. Chew on that for a while.

sculders catchphrase: I don’t want to believe the truth is not out there.

teen jesus freaks: The type of people who believe: “Teen Jesus Freaks was originally found on Facebook and now we thought we could reach out to more teens with a website.”  Because, you know, teens don’t use Facebook. The Simpsons-style cool dude hippy makes a strong argument.

weird anatomy: All anatony is pretty freaking weird if you think about it. I mean really think about it. Which I suggest you don’t if you ever want to have sex again.

perspective drawing of open a umbrella: From which perspective? The umbrella’s?

ponography: Vulcan slash.

marty mcfly fucks his mom porn: This is “ew” enough. But if you imagine 50 year old, Parkinson’s-afflicted Michael J. Fox going back in time to have sex with his teenage mom, it’s “ew” on a whole new level. I would have to assume because I outright refuse to think about that.

wesley crusher 2.0: A part of me sort of wishes Wil Wheaton would make this as a web series.

Okay, you’ve waited long enough! 

Top 10 Search Terms of 2011

1. voldemort tattoo
2. wow nerd
3. deathly hallows tattoo
4. death eater tattoo
5. star wars baby mobile
6. bruce campbell
7. muay thai logo
8. empire records
9. fur trade
10. science nerd

This only insetting this here is that for the first time in years “Zombies” is not in the top ten. It doesn’t show up until 36.  This is after three more variants on the Deatheater tattoo, Neil Tennant, Bruce Campbell’s chin and, of course, anime tentacle rape.

Bonus stat: The most popular post this year was Baby Meat Jesus with 1,241 hits. Not quite a Christmas tradition or even remotely viral.

Like all good things that come in threes, Nerd Hurdles celebrates its 3rd birthday today! Three cheers—or these days, woots—for us!

Everybody loves a good trilogy. But we ask you: Has there ever been a good trilogy?

Just like people you pick-up in bars, or in line at a sci-fi convention, somewhere along the line they inevitably let you down. Most often the brilliant first installment is a cash cow that studios want to milk to death. That’s understandable. If we could spin Nerd Hurdles into three progressively crappy, but profitable, podcasts, you can bet your ticket stubs we sure as hell would.

Pirates of the Caribbean, The Lost Boys, Robocop, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jurassic Park, Star Wars and The Terminator are all fantastic stand-alone films. They all tell complete stories that need no further elaboration and, by the very nature of their endings being so neatly tied up in bows, guarantee only diminishing returns with each dip in the well.

The worst, and most obvious, offender is probably The Matrix. Parts 2 and 3 are so obviously pulled out of asses that cinemas are still spraying Nilodor on seats trying to get the shit smell out.

Then you have proper trilogies. Stories that were conceived from the start as having three chapters. X-Men and Spiderman both started off on the right track but the ball was unexpectedly dropped—off a cliff, with lead weights attached  into a sea of lava— in the third act.

Vampires vs. werewolves underdog, Underworld, didn’t even manage to get a proper third act as first installment’s poor box-office performance meant acts II and III were amalgamated into the already in-production second film. Ironically, the strength of the franchise’s cult-following got a pointless prequel greenlit.

Ultimately, the most successful “trilogies” are often open-ended film series that happened to have only three installments produced. The celebrated Man With No Name trilogy isn’t really a trilogy at all as it’s really three separate stories which happen to involve Clint Eastwood’s iconic character. A man who who doesn’t even have a name so could actually be argued to be three separate characters. If you’re the kind of guy who’d get drunk at a party and argue that. (Why are you looking at me?)

One of my favourite trilogies,Toy Story, arguably gets better with each film. But each could quite happily exist without the other two. The relatively consistent Mission: Impossible movies (up to four installments now) are really no more than stand alone episodes in the tradition of James Bond films. Only the ham-fisted call-back to Alan Rickman‘s “Hans Gruber” character makes Die Hard III a legitimate part three (and yes, there’s a part four in that franchise too).

So what are the perfect trilogies. Is there one that tells a three-part story and doesn’t stumble in the final lap.

Most film buffs would cite The Godfather but we couldn’t watch past the first film. We’re willing to grant the other two are equally as crappy. Or brilliant, whatever.

Lord of the Rings could be a contender though it’s not so much three films as a single three-part film—there is a difference.

Highlander is balls from the get-go. Even ignoring the ignominious 4th film, Indiana Jones is at least 50% terrible. Same goes for other classic four-part trilogies The Terminator, Scream and Alien. And don’t forget a six-part debacle of a trilogy called Star Wars. Fairing no better are popular favourites Back To The Future and the not-even-a-trilogy Ghost Busters.

Throw in Blade, Cruel Intentions, Darkman, Rush Hour, Crocodile Dundee and low-blows like BloodRayne or Cyborg Cop and I think we can just agree that bad things come in threes.

wesley crusher ball gag: I don’t think this is a sex thing. Just a “Shut up, Wesley” thing.

wesley crusher porn: I also refuse to believe this is a sex thing. More of a form of torture employed by the U.S. occupation in Afghanistan ever since water boarding got a bad rap.

masturbate on wesley crusher: Okay, this might be a sex thing. I’m wondering who is supposed to be masturbating on him though. My bet is Data.

star trek wesley crusher dies: I found no evidence of this. But I did find this disturbing tidbit: “Wesley has a birthmark in the buttocks or groin area and is allergic to metorapan treatments.” (source)

crippling self doubt, isolation, over analysis, dissociation: Yes, all these things describe Nerd Hurdles.

confederate haircut: I saw too many things I cannot unsee to bring you this picture

i’m not an atheist: Great. I’m sure Google was interested. They have a data base that keeps track of that shit, you know?

unknown person: “Do we have a lead on the perpetrator?”
“No Sarge, it was persons unknown.”
“Did you try Google?”
“Uh. No.”
“Well, get on it.”
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
“Type in unknown person.”
“Ha ha ha. I’ll get right on that, Sarge.”
“You think this is funny? You think this is a laughing matter? We’re burning daylight here and the Commissioner wants answers!”

the word hippies: Not hippies, just the word. Which gets you to this craziness. 

tim horton’s line up: I’m only including this totally legitimate search because it was aptly followed by the search “poo fetish.”

cheesy horror: Whatever the fuck this is. Some kind of grilled poutine sandwich.

ensue: Ironically, they went to Google but no useful search results ensued.

the trouble of the rings legolas: “The ring business? Oh that. It wasn’t much more than an inconvenience. Very little trouble, really. The Hobits seemed to make a big deal about it, but, you know, they’re tiny people.”

nailing naked jesus: Jesus even took his socks off when doing the nasty.

jesus penis: An omitted detail in the crucifixion story, censored by various churches over the millennia, is that he was actually staked to the cross using his own severed penis. A common practice in the first century A.D.

baby jesus butter: Makes absolutely divine garlic bread.

jesus meet to meat: I don’t know what this means.

models+of+urine+battery+: Somebody is taking the whole G+ thing too far.

tim burton thinking: This is a new seminar currently popular with many top executives. A few of the modules included in the package are “Spooky Trees: The Answer to Everything”, “In too Depp: Finding Your Go-To Guy”, and  “Ed Would: Using B-List Thinking In An A-List World”.

nurdle pears: Do not sound appetizing.

nerd games are boring: “I feel like things are moving too fast in this game. And it’s all just too intuitive. Do you know what I think would make this more fun? More fucking rules. And more math.”

superhero nerds: There’s been a lot of talk lately about superheroes being insane, but I think the number one common trait shared by most superheroes is they love the shit out of cosplay.

ugly study nerd photos: ”Hey Google. I need a picture to illustrate my blog post on those ass hat virgin shitheads  from IT. Ugly study nerd photos... No, not Asian. They need to be—”

ugly white nerds: ”Close… Give me something lamer…”

painting plastic models: ”Bingo.”

what is the nerd symbol for mason: It’s still the compass and set-square insignia, but in binary.

nerds rules hermione: The only rules Hermione plays by.

114 nerd: A virtually unknown ’90s punk-pop band fronted by the friend of the cousin of one of the guys in Blink 182 and the cousin of a friend of one of the Sum 41 roadies. Though they sounded almost exactly like a combination of Matchbox 20 and 50 Cent, the early decision to only sing about Dr. Who and robots made out of Lego is probably what killed their career.

meme, i think we might be nerds: Well, we can all agree this guy is. Or at least his hover hand.

memes about conceited people: “Dumb people… cats… politicians… fails… I’m bored. I could really go for a meme about conceited people. Haha. They’re so smug about being smug.”

into the box: ”That’s a great idea, Ben. But for now lets put a Band-Aid on that bleeding edge thinking and get back into the box. I don’t think the market is ready for pudding helmets just yet.”

jian ghomeshi -”billy bob” -thornton girl -pinhead douche: ”Okay team, that’s time. Now we’re going to share the results of our free association brain-storming. Ben, let’s start with you. What did you come up with?”

ontario trillium symbol: Ontario actually ditched the whole Trillium thing and went with a modern symbol.

every time hot man gay tub: Ok, let’s decipher this. Every time a gay man gets in a hot tub, another angel gets its wings?

angelina jolie wanted wax tub scene: but the producers felt it was too “bleeding edge” and put the idea back “into the box” and opted for a tub that wouldn’t melt when filled with hot water.

turd tattoo back: Well, this probably isn’t true.

tattoo whores sexis: It’s like the Nexus. But skankier.

faded comic strips: “This comic would be way funnier if I couldn’t read the dialogue or recognize any of the characters. More authentic, you know? Like when you were a kid and can’t figure out why the punchlines in the last panel of Rex Morgan M.D. comics are hilarious.”

What do the following images have in common?

That’s right, they all came from the image search: someone holding sword to self. Obvious, really.

creepy websites 2011: Despite the shit that ends up in our Coming-To Terms posts, Nerd Hurdles, sadly, did not rank.

vladimir dracula muay: I thought this was going to be some kind of Muay Thai anime or video game thing. But he’s a real guy. Do you get the feeling those belts are compensating for something?

tv show friends actors real friends: Psshhhffftt. Everyone knows celebrities have no real friends. Just sycophants and gossip rag moles.

people images sombies: Like zombies, but less dangerous and more somnolent.

now replace the pencil with yourself: Step six “Stab yourself through the eye of whoever came up with this trite bullshit.”

never been kissed by john de lancie: Count. Yourself. Lucky.

indian mountie: Fun Fact! It used to be Sikh Mounties weren’t allowed to wear turbans.

who invented popcorn: Orville Reddenbacher. Or, perhaps, the North/South American natives his relatives stole the idea from in exchange for diseased blankets.

baby jesus of lyon sausage: You’d be amazed how many links you can get out of one Baby Jesus of Lyon. The Nazarene variety doesn’t go nearly as far. A few hot dogs and you’re back to eating Judas burgers. Gamey.

who is kim kardashian bio biography: I only recently learned the secret  to the mystery of Kim Kardashian’s fame. She’s the new host of the Dax symbiont which previously inhabited Paris Hilton’s body. Obvious, really.

think crime posters: Part of a short-lived campaign by the Ministry of Labour. “Out of Work? Think crime!”

nurds with big cocks: All nerds have big cocks. That’s why jocks beat them up. Penis envy.

darth vader med penis: Never underestimate the healing power of sith semen.

nerd sexy black man tie: Any three of these words belong together.

very very very sexy rape: You can add as many veries as you want, buddy. Rape still ain’t sexy.

porn for nerds: A video of a girl slowly peeling the shrinkwrap off a copy of Skyrim.

naked nerdy “whores”: Not actual whores, just air-quote whores. But still naked and nerdy.

anime rape no email: Yeah, that anime rape that involves email is just off-putting. Not very very very sexy at all.

porn is stupid: True. But what ever this is, is sheer awesome.

In honour of the brilliant new The Muppets movie, we return to this subject to give it a more in depth analysis than in our puppetry episode (yeah right).

But we do, of course, recast TNG yet again. Naturally with Muppets this time around. The graphic below is the finalized recasting we started on the episode.

And also here is as promised… Michael Gorn.

This week we talk about television talent contests. Amazingly, we forgot to talk about Mandi’s experience in the live audience for Canada’s Battle of the Blades. And the Gong Show (see below).

Videos:

Warriors of Goja

“Red”

“Grace Slick”

“Jack Osbourne Seal Kid”

Sand paining

The Gong Show

Links:

Air Canada’s creepy executive pods.

Star Trek TNG Season 8 on Twitter.

the internet is a weird place: I have no idea exactly what you’re talking about.

pond anime adult: I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. I hesitate to assume “pond anime” isn’t a thing, because when dealing with anime, anything is potentially a thing. Even a whole sub-genre set in ponds. And, naturally, involving sex.

ponography+word+gaints: “Ponography” refers, as if you didn’t know, to pictures of ponds. The internet is rife with anime ponography. Especially that which involves “gaints”, small creatures named such because they “ain’t giant.”

hurdles in life christina aguilera had: Apparently in an elementary school somewhere Yoda is writing a history report on the former teen diva.

why you mad though: I appreciate how they tried to grammar up the angering “Why U Mad Tho” meme.

hayao miyazaki vs tim burton: This would be a cage match worth witnessing. But, now that I think of it,  I’d also like to witness Miyazaki’s take on Alice In Wonderland, Willy Wonka and Sleepy Hollow. More so than Studio Ghibli’s upcoming Miyazaki-less and rather straight looking take on The Borrowers.

jesus vs freddy krueger: I wonder if horny teens living around Golgotha are terrorized in their dreams by the restless spirit of Jesus, seeking vengeance for his murder by the townspeople.

jesus american flag unicorn: I feel like one of these things doesn’t belong here. Any two are fine.

jesus i don’t want to look at porn: Then don’t Google “jesus american flag unicorn”.

motivational poster follow me on twitter jesus: I first read this as a request or, perhaps, a command. “Follow me on Twitter, Jesus.” I liked the idea of someone giving Jesus an order. But then I realized it must mean something like the below pile of meme.

Which I post here because I can’t tell you how much pleasure I get of how they turned a simple fauxtivational poster into a metaphysical equation. “No, I’m not talking about Twitter…” apparently equals Jesus. I feel like this message could bring peace to the Middle East and make Egypt safe for the Coptics again.

nerd catch phrases: If you want to catch a nerd, a few phrases you might use are…

• I have a T1 internet connection, a case of Doritos and mini-fridge full of Mountain Dew.
• I can get you in as a beta tester on the Angry Birds MMORPG.
• R2-D2 is too in The Matrix. For like one second. Come on up and I’ll show you.
• I have a signed Weird Al doll in the box.
• Wanna see the deleted Lando/Leia date rape scene? No, it’s real. Truth, bro. A dude from Skywalker Ranch snuck it out on a jump drive.

which girl would you choose: Out of the 3.5 billion in the world? And what am I choosing her for. A mate? A bridge partner? A source of protein?

did ross pick rachel or the bad girl: Wasn’t Rachel kind of the bad girl. I mean from a standpoint of making Ross kind of miserable and feeling like a loser since he was 16.

prosthetic makeup sexy: Is it sexy or is it prosthetic make-up sexy? Nothing like a set of wax lips to turn up the heat.

red shirt muay thai fighter: Maybe if Starfleet actually trained their away teams how to defend themselves a few more red shirts would have made it back to the ship.

urban peasant bloopers: Bloopers from the small Canadian cooking show seem to me to be an odd thing to search for. Mandi disagrees. Alas, I couldn’t find any.

mandi is a nerd: Yeah, we know.

jakob is a nerd.com: I believe the correct address is nerdhurdles.com.

cake ideas with nerds candy: Are all really bad ideas. Just don’t.

is there really a degrassi school in canada: Yes, but it’s not on Degrassi Street. Sacre bleu!

comic trips characters: A few characters known for their pratfalls are the appropriately named Jack Tripper and animated buffoon Homer Simpson. I also like the idea of a comic strip that actively trips it’s characters.

comic office devolves: In 1998, the National Office of Comedy devolved due to a number of divergent goals which resulted in infighting and the withdrawal of support from the Bureau of Tragedy.

charlie brown ego comic strip: I’m not sure there’s a single Peanuts strip that isn’t directly concerned with ego.

snoopy comic psyche: Except the Snoopy ones which are all id.

funny comic strip punchline: There’s so few, someone had to use Google to actually find one.

how to tie a tie step by step in words: DIAGRAMS NEED NOT APPLY.

1950′s? graffiti: I like the tentative nature of this search.

graffiti people stacked: You can fit more on a shelf that way.

tron legacy why did clu want quorra upstairs?: He wanted her to byte his bits.

fileserve suck ugly man puke: I suspect this is only written in lowercase as their allcaps button had been broken in a previous venting.

what color is freddy krueger face: Various shades of ugly, mostly in the puss, blood, festering scab and charred subcutaneous tissue hues.

angelina jolie drains: the will to live.

sasquatch turd gang: Though the name is kind of comical, I don’t think I’d want to encounter them in a dark alley.

kenny loggins mullet: I wonder if Sasquatches wear Kenny Loggins mullets and if we’d be able to tell.

wookie hurdles: One of the hurdles Chewbacca has to overcome in his election bid is to dispel the viscous rumours he’s part Sasquatch (Sasquatches can’t be trusted).

ikea gay: IKEA Gay is a little bit like Jailhouse Gay. “Brent would have decorated his house in manly burl tables and Lay-Z-Boys but he could only afford to shop at IKEA.”

wil wheaton why was disliked by trekkies: He was living the dream. But it was kind of a shitty version of the dream.

wil wheaton fat: Many people swear by duck fat, but they obviously haven’t cooked with Wil Wheaton fat. There really isn’t anything as decadently rich and ads a distinctive flavour to any dish. It’s also surprisingly healthy. Wil Wheaton fat contains 25.7% saturates, 55.5% monounsaturates (high in linoleic acid) and 18.7% polyunsaturated fats.(which contains Omega-6 and Omega-3 essential oils). This compares to olive oil which is: 75% monounsaturated fat (mostly oleic acid) 13% saturated fat and 10% Omega-6 linoleic acid and 2% Omega-3 linoleic acid.

nerd a month: Though “a nerd a day keeps the normies away”, consuming more than the daily recommended intake can result in lethargy, a decrease in social acuity and bouts of self-loathing.

1800 canadian mounties: “No, there can’t be more than 1500 mounties in that picture. I need 1800. Or 1750 at the very least.”

holy fucking fuckballs: Yes, fuckballs not in the act of fucking are, to coin a phrase, fucking useless.

what are the free masons: The ones you don’t have to pay for, of course.

set of six freemason glasses: Worst parting gift on Wheel of Fortune ever. But does explain Merv Griffin’s career success.

masons fuck: their spouses and lovers, supposedly.

igor merkin: Is a really unfortunate name.