Traditionally (two years counts as a tradition, right?), most of our hits in October are related to Halloween costumes. Actually, people are searching for “how to dress like a nerd” pretty much all year. If these guys had gone as nerds instead of a KKK member leading around a “slave” in blackface, they’d have saved themselves some trouble. Though probably not have won first place in costume contest at the Windsor Legion.
At any rate, the Internet was looking for a few other things as well.
bengal cat costume: I was really hoping someone (after my own heart) wanted to dress up like a Bengal Cat. But I suspect they were looking for this bullshit instead.
wierdest costume ever: This year we got a lot of hits for “Milla Jovovich costume”. It was second to “how to dress like a nerd for Halloween”. A Milla Jovovich-dressed-like-a-nerd-for-Halloween costume might be kind of weird, but you’d probably have to explain it all night. To see real life weird costumes, go here instead.
+how to make a turd costume: Plus, anyone who wants to dress as a turd probably doesn’t need a costume.
nerdy creepy internet hackers in movies: This search string could be shortened to “hackers in movies” since they’re almost always portrayed as nerdy and creepy and, almost by definition, use the internet. Even when they’re not creepy at first, the filmmakers always find a way so slip in a joke about their huge bestiality porn torrent collection somewhere.
cool shit hackers do to make their compu: I think the nerdy creepy hackers got to him before he could finish his search.
doctor beverly crusher: If you’re interested in Doc Crusher, you should check out lobablanca.com’s Doctober.
i’m a zombie: Yes, but are you a…
beer zombie: My first thought was, “Now that’s my kind of zombie!” But then this blog explained the term and I recoiled in fear. It’s a dire fate I don’t want to succumb to.
zombie freshly dead: I have a strange feeling this Googler was looking for a deli specializing in fresh ghoul meat. You don’t want to walk into just any abattoir, you need to do your internet research and make sure they specialize in only freshly dead zombies. Otherwise the meat’s a little gamey.
angelina jolie no clothes: “No, you see, I don’t want to see Angelina Jolie naked. I don’t want to see her vulnerable and stripped to the soul. I don’t want to read her like an open book. I just want to see her with no clothes on. You get where I’m coming from?”
guru and freemason: I’m trying to picture the Maharishi as a Freemason and I’m not quite getting a lock on it.
deadly marshmallows: Are not very scary. I don’t care how deadly they are. Worst. Monster. Ever.
jan luk picard: In one of the mirror universes, Jean Luc is Dutch. But speaks with a Spanish accent.
a/v nerd: It’s the internet shorthand for Alien Vs. Nerd.
garden spider tattoo meaning: It means you’re not hardcore enough to get a black widow tattoo.
is spiderman Masonic: No. But according to morons on the internet, he’s Satanic.
how to draw chucky the killer doll: You will need: Tracing paper; pencils. Step 1. Find a photograph of comedian Louis Anderson. Trace it but make the eyebrows angled angrily in towards the center. Step 2. Erase the cheeseburger in his hand and add a butcher knife. Step 3. Add blood to taste.
harry potter trust no one x-files: I think Harry, like Neville, could have done it in four books if he’d just learned to trust no one. I wonder what kind of effed-up fanfic has Harry in the X-Files universe. I wonder how much Mulder/Snape is out there.
the x files episode the truth: This person’s really setting themselves up for disappointment if they’re looking for answers in an X-Files episode. The truth is Chris Carter either felt we can’t handle the truth or didn’t know the truth himself. I suspect the latter.
human baby meat: I think this search might have been made by this guy on October 25th. He says we deserve a prize. We sure do.
zombie prisoner ro: Ro Laren held prisoner by zombies is somekinda bad fanfic. Or maybe it’s about Ro Laren keeping zombies prisoner and torturing them. Either way, I hope this Googler found what they’re looking for.
too much stereotype: Chris Tucker.
mobile hot wing stand: Good golly miss molly that’s something Toronto needs!
tatto no penis: Maybe it’s a tramp stamp homophobic guys get.
sweatpants that say: … what? Sweatpants that say WHAT? It’s the not knowing that gets to you, you know?
is simply syndicated still alive: Why yes. Though I’m not sure why they didn’t just go to www.simplysyndicated.com to find out directly.
how to draw human faces step by step: You will need: Paper; pencil; coffee cup. Step 1. Trace a circle using the coffee cup as a guide. Step 2. Add a curved line in the lower middle of the circle. Step 3. Draw two dots above the line. Step 4. (Optional) Add a squiggly line on the top of the circle.
coloured blocks: We got a lot of hits from this search. I don’t know what it’s about or why they end up here.
darth vader voldemort porn: I’m envisioning a few subtle lightsaber metaphors and a possible title of The Darth Eater.
coloured people,: Here at Nerd Hurdles we accept people of all colours. Command yellow, Science blue and Operations red. I’m not sure what’s up with the comma though.
scottish school: It’s where you learn how to better be Scottish. The headmaster and lone professor is Mike Myers.
nerd propaganda: This implies the populace needs convincing that nerds are cool. Oh, yeah, right… Well, these are kind of cool.
real young people: None of those fakes that have been floating around the internet lately. Actually, it occurs me now this person was probably looking for porn.
fictional dead people: Because stories about real dead people are too depressing. Especially if they’re young.
lost cat no teeth: I couldn’t locate their cat, but I did find this ad for a lost poodle:
LOST POODLE MALE Locale: E Catclaw St. Markings: Reddish-brown curly hair, no teeth, tongue hangs out, almost blind. Additional: Got out of the house and through the gate yesterday during storm. Wandering I’m sure. We love him and need him back.
Frankly, I’m kind of wondering if one of the members of this household put this guy out of his misery and didn’t let the person who posted this ad in on their secret. Also, I would very much like to live on a street called Catclaw.
nerd tub: This bathtub has book storage. It’s pretty cool but I’d probably judge any douche who had one. In a slightly envious way.