February: i hope this search ends up on the nerd hurdles blog


February might be the shortest month, but there was no shortage of WTF in our search term stats.

i hope this search ends up on the nerd hurdles blog: Congratulations. You just Post’d our blog. What’s that mean? It’s when a crowd-sourced blog jumps-the-shark. Remember how awesome Post Secret (the blog where people would mail in anonymous confessions on postcards) was when it first started? It was a glorious. But then people started sending in obviously fake, exponentially ridiculous, secrets and confessions and it got wrecked. It happened to This Is Why You’re Fat too. The phenomenon has most recently cropped up on the previously awesome Not Always Right.

weird asian: I always thought Dr. Ho was a little odd.

twilight vampire (definition): n. Crap covered in glitter.

mandi tattoos: Good lord. Enough people have gotten Mandi’s face tattooed on their butts it’s become a search term?

call a ash: Call an ash? Call ash? Oh! Dial-an-Ash. 1-800-THA-CHIN.

was theremore than 14 episodes to firefly: This search was immediately followed by the sound of someone’s heart breaking. And then this happened.

twilight i have a penis: Good for you. We’ll let Twilight know.

draw my cock: We’re still happy for you that you have a penis, but no.

penis pencil: It’s better to have a penis pencil than a pencil penis. Especially for drawing cocks.

cock sounding: I picture someone tapping a penis with a little brass hammer and leaning in to hear the resonance. “What do you think is the problem, Doctor?” “I daresay I need to take a cock sounding to be sure, but I’m guessing you have what we call a deaf member.”

kathryn janeway hot: Not many people know this, but so is Dr. Pulaski.

“strangles kittens” “stephen harper”: And you though Gaddafi was batshit crazy. And by “Gaddafi” I mean Charlie Sheen.

big igor warrior: This is the least fucked up thing generated by using that as an image search.

drarryst inside: What happens inside the Chamber of Secrets, stays inside the Chamber of Secrets.

ugly scottish women: dot com. Surprisingly, it’s a domain name that’s still available. My faith in the Internet is a little shaken while my faith in humanity is a little renewed.

what kind of sims 3 should I make? Make someone you hate and then lock them in a closet until they starve to death. It’s not as cathartic as you’d expect, but more legal than actually doing it.

logan’s run vulcan: First thought — That’d be a pretty weird crossover fic. Second thought — If they did remake Logan’s Run, I wouldn’t be upset to see Zach Quinto in the title role.

whats the name of ikea character: My best guess is @IKEA_girl but I know for sure it’s not…

wesley crusher 2.0: Least desired reboot concept ever. Though if it were modeled on Doogie Howser, it might be okay. Actually, imagine if Wesley had been played by NPH? Or even Fred Savage. We’d live in a different world now.

grunge nerd: Richard “Ringo” Langly. Ringo? When was he called Ringo? I guess Fox was being snarky again.

mr watson detective fail: As found on Ye Olde Blogge of Fail. This is from a much newer blog.

what can happen if you dont wear a lab coat: 1) You won’t get mocked on the subway; 2) You might get sauce on your tie; 3) TMZ won’t slam you for wearing white after Labour Day; 4) Severe chemical burns; 5) You won’t blend in with the polar bears and snow ninjas.

wear lab gown outside lab: A lab gown.  I guess “lab” is the code word for “renaissance faire ball” science nerds use around their parents to get out of the house on Friday nights.

startrek yomg gordie la fage: I don’t know if they were looking for Geordie La Fag slash or fics featuring Geordie and The Phage. Or maybe it was both. He might have been just desperate enough to get it on with a virus. A rock-hard virus with a six-pack lipid envelope that made him feel things he’d never…

problems going away: As a last resort, when your life is falling apart and you don’t know how to stop the avalanche, try Yahoo Answers?

motorcycle hell warrior: Yeeeaaah. I wonder if his name is Igor? Or possibly Nick Cage. Damn. Not as awesome as I thought two seconds ago.

9/11 funny conspiracy: It was just meant to be a joke! Sometimes even the best gags fall really, really flat. It’s all about the timing.

what wow make with people: What made sentence of huh?

the real alex wand: I wouldn’t know a fake alex wand if it Avada Kedavra’d me in the face.

buffy and velvet mafia: I think vampires probably do wear more velvet than gays and lesbians. Or, well, anyone in real life since the 1800’s.

legolas adult/slash: There’s Legolas slash for children?

“gay tolkien”: That was JRR’s nickname. For Legolas.

slash lord of the rings: No, hacking away at Sauron won’t defeat him . You have to drop his ring into a volcano and then he’ll lose his shit and go all ‘splodey.

faye and angus sex: If you say that fast enough repeatedly, you’ll end up saying “fungal anal sex.” Try it at your next party. Saying it fast, not the sex.

embalming emblems: of embalmetry.

the googler: Worst. Batman. Villain. Evar. “Holy Map Quest, Batman! The Googler knows exactly how to get to City Hall! We’ll never be able to stop him” “Not so, Robin. Our friend, The Internet, will give him the longest route possible. To the Batcopter!”

kennedy mandy jacob: One of these names is spelled correctly.

drawing jason from friday 13:  is something all grade 7 boys do in math class.

foghters mean draw: No, “foghters” means “Daughters of the Fog” a Holmes/Watson fanclub. There is some drawing involved however. To illustrate their fics.

nerd hurdles rss: Take your pick of ways to subscribe…

pretty bathtubs: Before the year is out, I predict Pitchfork will be upping a band by this name.

jew!!!!: Due to the number of exclamation points used, I don’t think this is one of the anti-Semitic googlers we had last month.

nerdy jew: Apparently doesn’t call for exclamation points. The nerdy jew is a more restrained jew.

scannable barcodes: Isn’t the word “scannable” redundant here? Unless that’s also a band Pitchfork is pushing.

what will be the final scene in the deathly hallows be: It won’t be Harry and Draco vacationing in Ibiza, which we know is how the story really ends.

free mason american flag: Looks exactly like the regular American flag. Suckers.

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