April Search Terms: Don’t make me release the flying monkeys

April showers bring May weirdos. We were showered with odd search terms this month.

don’t make me release the flying monkeys: And if you don’t settle down back there, I’ll pull this tornado over and whoop those ruby slippers right off your feet. Actually a tornado is the only explanation for this search ending up here.

christina aguilera importants events in his live: Gender reassignment surgery, August 2011 — A live pay-per-view broadcast.

significant dates of christina aguilera: Bob Saget, dinner and a movie, no make-outs. Conan O’Brien, niece’s wedding, quickie behind the chapel. Vin Diesel, Swan Lake at The Met, sensual back-rubs. Lady Gaga… Yeah, in your dreams, grandma.

keanu reeves personal life 2011: For some reason I keep thinking Keanu is dead. Maybe that’s just his career.

sumersault rocket baby mobile: You’re just typing random things into Google, aren’t you? Either that or this is a Japanese TV show I hadn’t heard about.

gay lab coats: Would they be pink or would they be rainbow printed? Maybe they’re just standard lab coats but specifically for the Gay Lab. Where they’re working around the clock to bring us Tomorrow’s Homosexuality, Today!

who would you cast in questionable content?: For some reason I read this as “who would you kill in questionable content?”  Which is a tough question. And slightly worrying in regards to my subconscious. Anyway, I’d have to go with Pintsize. Hate that little fucker.

darth vader fetish: I’d like to see a mash-up on YouTube where Vader is replaced with The Gimp from Pulp Fiction. Get working on it, Internet.

grunch nerd: “Grunch” is perhaps the ickiest feeling word I’ve encountered since “felch.” Roll it around on your tongue for a while. It makes me think of walking around with granola in your underwear as a folk remedy to cure genital blisters. But it also make me think I’d like to see a mash-up on YouTube where Freddy Krueger tries to steal Christmas from the cast of That 70’s Show. How The Grunch Stole Bongsmass.

the world sucks, poetry: That’s unfair. The world sucking isn’t poetry’s fault. Poetry just makes the world seem a little more sucky.

frodo and legolas gay fan painting lord of the rings: The word “gay” was probably redundant in this search.

lord of the rings old draws: A highly underused term in university Art History classes is “old draws” to refer to classic works of art.

single rainbow: For when a complete double rainbow is overkill.

harry potter 1 book: I think it’s a good idea. Compile that shit down. And make it an audiobook.

anime male penis: I was about to say “What? As opposed to a female penis?” but then I realized, it’s anime. You probably do have to distinguish.

sexy anime tentacal rape: I know I sure am tired of all that unsexy anime tenacle rape. Oh, wait a minute, it’s all unsexy. Though perhaps bringing “tentacals” into the picture turns up the heat. 

less asian porn: It’s getting so that it’s a good idea to qualify any search with this. “Camamari” + “recipe” -“asian porn”.

porno emblems:  I’m imagining a series of poorly drawn logos involving bananas and clams.

porn demons: Terrible band name / awesome band name. You decide.

han solo is a douche bag: Let’s see… Owes people money, shoots people from under the table, abandons his friends in their time of need, goes after the girl he knows his best friend fancies, responds to “I love you” with “I know”, makes fun of people’s religious beliefs, exploits the wookie “life debt” to use Chewbacca as an indentured slave… yeah, he is a douchebag, 

some guy getting a tattoo on his penis: Any guy. So long as he’s getting a tattoo on his penis. Present tense. Doesn’t matter who.

old lady tattooed in dicks: I assume this means somewhere on the Internet there is a photo of exactly that. An old lady with penises tattooed all over her. I’m not going to look for it. Until I’m really bored.

post apocalyptic nerd: The irony of the nerd whose fandom is post-apocalyptic books and movies is in the real event of the apocalypse, they’re not going to survive to see it.

bsg earth sucks: Which one? Everywhere they went sucked. You know, when they finally landed on this Earth, I felt like they hadn’t really solved their problems and we just didn’t get to see how they continued to fuck shit up for themselves. I kind of think they all got eaten by lions within the first six months.

tigh human part: Either these people were looking for a butcher that sells “human thigh parts” or they’re looking for pictures of Colonel Tigh’s member, the only part of his body that wasn’t cylon.

twin peaks: S p a c i n g  t h e  l e t t e r s o u t d o e s n o t  h e l p G o o g l e f i n d w h a t y o u w a n t .

pics of people being controled by free mason: I like this simplified notion that the Free Masons are controlling the complex forces that govern our civilization like Batman villains with remote control units. I’m picturing a man in a fez holding a cumbersome black box with a silver antenna, an oversized blinking yellow light and a giant dial to twist while he capers maniacally. Or it’s like this creepiness.

rewards in heaven for freemasons: Other than eternal life in paradise, basking in the glory of a Supreme Being? Jesus, what more could they really be offered? If Heaven is a tiered system, there’s going to be a lot of unhappy people up there who were expecting more or are jealous their neighbor got more virgins. Which really defeats the purpose of Heaven. Sounds kind of like suburbia.

vampire bella movie corny scene: I have to admit I appreciate how the word “Twilight” was omitted from this search. “What was it called? You know, that Bella movie with like the vampires in it?” I also like optimistic view that “corny scene” is singular.

site:nerdhurdles.wordpress.com grammar: What saying is you grammar ours about?

muay thai jesus: Don’t worry. After he kills you in the ring, he’ll resurrect you. Piece of cake. Plus, as a bonus when your coach hands you the water bottle, it’s been turned into wine! Free gratis!

the structure of free: This sounds like the title of a horrible pop-economics book about loss-leaders and customer loyalty rewards programs. After next Christmas you’ll find it on the desks of middle-management weasels all across North America. By the following summer, on the tables of yard sales of the same continent.

zombie drunks: How could you even tell if a zombie was drunk? Can’t walk in a straight line. Check. Mumbles incoherently. Check. Drools on your shoulder. Check. Random violent outbursts. Check. Wait a minute, this isn’t a zombie. This is my college roommate.

nerds nods and bods: I don’t even want to hazard a guess. And you can’t make me.

baby jesus of lyon meat: Clearly somebody is challenging us to up our game in the Jesus meat effigy department. A Baby Jesus made of lion and lamb meat would be an amazing concept. Or maybe a sculpture of a lamb eating a Christian in the Roman Circus made out of lion meat.

ladies structure sex images: “Ladies structure” is the best euphemism for vagina I’ve ever seen.

pictures of nerd mathematicians / pictures of old mathematicians: There were several variations of these searches this month. Not, however, “pictures of old nerd mathematicians” which is probably what they really wanted. I’ll never know who was looking and why. This will haunt me for the rest of my life. Or until later today.

typical toronto hipster: This douchebag.

i can do all things through christ who strengthens me tattoo: We get a shit storm of hits based on variations of this search. I don’t know why.  Apparently it’s a popular tattoo though. Almost as popular as the classic “Mom” and the Death Eater insignia. People get the phrase inked in a bunch of different languages. Most of the people in the Google image search looked like they don’t get much done at all besides being a douche and playing X-box. Maybe Christ helps them level-up.

it’s all make believe isn’t it tattoo: Richard Dawkins has this on his butt.

rich douchebag: I’m pretty sure this search was made by Mandi.

gay ginger scat: Now that there is a specific fetish.

Google: How about this, sir?
Scatman: No. Those men have brown hair.
Google: Ah, yes. How about this picture then?
 Scatman: There’s no poop. I said gay ginger scat
Google: Right you are, sir. I have something in the back that might interest you. How does this beauty strike you?
Scatman:That’s not gay. That’s a woman.
Google: It’s a happy woman. Look, see how delighted she is to be smeared in doodie?  And she does have redhair.
Scatman:Look, how hard can this be? All I want is two naked, ginger men, eating each others’ shit. What’s the problem Google? Do I have to go somewhere else?
Google: Perhaps that would be best, sir. No, wait a minute! Silly me. The “safe search” was on! Ah, here we go…

hipster buying something: Skinny jeans? A three-wolf t-shirt? A cardigan? Keyhole-bridge glasses? The import pressing of some ironic post-punk informed afro-beat disco? A Pabst Blue Ribbon? Self respect?

ugly school geek: “Goddammit. I keep getting hot schoolgirl porn. And tentacals. I just want a picture of an ugly school geek for my zine. I need to put some parental controls on my own computer.”

fat man butts: This is rumoured to be the Chinese kung-fu master from the next Austin Powers film. Played by Steven Seagal.

hear no evil see no evil speak no evil owl tattoos: Monkeys are so last century. Sure, owls are hot right now, but you haven’t seen this trio until you’ve seen them done in capybaras.

funny face stephen harper: If he was capable of making a funny face, this girl wouldn’t be crying.

stephen harper mad at kitten: I’m not sure he’s so much mad at it as is simply planning to casually disembowel it after the photographer goes home and the kids are in bed.

nerdy tattoos why people get them: Good question. I can’t remember if we answered it in our episode on the subject.

cloth in the pioneer times: Had less polyester blend.

ugly gays: Imma tired of all dem pretty boys.

heartless glove set: I’ve never owned a set of gloves with their own cardiovascular system. I suppose it’s something you want to avoid.

wesley crusher pantyhose: Wow. Now we both have this image in our heads that will never go away. Ever.

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