Stephen Harper strangles kittens and sexy very rape (search terms, May 2011)

Springtime and a young Googler’s fancy turns to the gutter.

stamp fuck it: I wish they sold these at Office Depot along side the “Recieved” and “Draft” stamps. I suspect stamping “FUCK IT” in bold, red letters on documents that cross my desk would be very cathartic.

f for fuckballs: If I ever have a genderless baby, this is the alphabet poster I’m getting it. A is for Assholes multiplying like flies. B is for Bullshit piled up to the sky. C is for cock, everyone’s favourite tweet. D is for Dickheads crowding the street…

turd lips: Weird. Someone discovered Mandi’s secret pet name for me. Even I didn’t know that’s what it is.

انمي sexy very rape: The script there, not surprisingly, is “anime” in Arabic. We also got a search for  “انمي اغتصاب” which is simply “anime rape” without the superfluous adjectives.  This kind of implies there is, reassuringly, no phrase in Arabic for “sexy very rape” which no language should have a need for. Yet apparently English does. Incidentally, the Japanese word for “sexy very rape” turns out to be anime.

anime i adore u: U has so much sexy very rape.

stephen harper strangles kittens: It’s true. Though I couldn’t find photographic proof. But I did find this. I actually suggest typing this one in to a Google image search because it pulls up the most bizarre set of disparate pictures. Pages and pages of fascination. Or you could just go to Things Stephen Harper Does To Seem Human. Such as strangling kittens (almost).

meat called baby jesus: When you get right down to it, we’re all just bits of meat named something. Even Baby Jesus, even you.

butter baby jesus: There isn’t really anything I find quite so singularly disgusting as butter sculpture. When ever I see it at a fair, it makes me want to hurl. Though I would like to see a butter Elvis slowly melting. I’m not sure why.

zombie michael jackson tattoo: Not too surprising that a lot of people have gotten this tat. I thought this one though had the most future regret written all over it. It’s technically a tattoo of the toy of the zombie MJ. And it covers her entire leg. But then, she’ll probably regret it less than who ever got this bonehead or what I consider the most random celebrity tattoo I’ve ever seen.

chart of “nerd discrimination” vs other discrimination: I couldn’t find this chart (Okay, I really didn’t try very hard) but I’d really like to see it. Instead I found this blog post which reminds us that when we say “I wish they still made comedies like they did in the ’80s” we really don’t. But back to the topic at hand, how exactly does nerd discrimination differ from other forms of discrimination and how would that be represented in a  chart? And where would these figure skating nerds fit on it?

how to draw street fighter no color: Step 1– Following the instructions in a previous tutorial, draw a Street Fighter character. Step 2 – DO NOT apply colour to your drawing.

star trek floating heads episode: You might need to be more specific.

angelina jolie wearing red shirts: It’s hard ebough finding pictures of Angelina Jolie wearing shirts at all. This was the closest I could find to her wearing a red shirt.

manicorn: We kind of forgot about our Manicorn character. This one‘s better anyway.

the many faces of freddy krueger: This was the title of his Time Magazine “Man of the Year” article.

significance of friday the 13th: It brought goalie masks and machetes together like nothing that had come before.

it’s friday friday gettin down on friday slasher: It’s like a double decker sandwich made up of old VHS tapes of Halloween and April Fool’s Day with a layer of My Bloody Valentine and topped with a spicy Nightmare on Elm Street mayo.

the word cock: A lot of us are Word Nerds. Vocabulary, grammar, etymology, all that’s cool. But we’ve all had a run in with the Word Cock at work or some party correcting the pronunciation and usage of every word you say. Don’t be that guy.

keanu 2009: This is the serial number of the robot that was built to take Keanu’s place when he suddenly disappeared.

september 11 funny: Now that Osama’s dead, it’s okay to laugh.

some of harry potter’s books: Not the complete bibliography, just some random bits of it. Or maybe they meant books in his personal collection. Exclusively made up of other peoples’ diaries. Harry is kind of a creepy stalker.

why was christina aguilera important?: This is a puzzler historians will debate for generations. Plus, notice the past tense.

get back or ill release my flying monkeys:  There’s some punctuation missing here. I believe the sentence is intended to be “Get back or ill; Release my flying monkeys.” I believe this is funky street language for something to do with spilling seed. Which is funky biblical language for sexual ejaculation.

that’s cheesy meaning: That’s Cheesy! was the failed John Ritter sitcom pilot produced between Three’s a Crowd and 8 Simple Rules. It featured Ritter playing the role of a homophobic, closeted gay pizza delivery man living with his straight computer genius step-brother in their two lesbian mothers’ basement.

ugly graduation: It’s when we all change from ugly duckling into swans an fly away. The Flapture.

nerd tub: I keep picturing an obese gamer squeezed into a giant Barrel of Monkey’s tub with the aid of movie theatre Golden Topping for lube.

stephen harper teenager: Apparently he was an emo teenager.

what is a nurdle? + clothes: Contrary to popular belief, a “nurdle” is not a “nerd hurdle”, it’s is a plastic pellet typically found outside of the typical plastics manufacturing stream. That definition could do with another use of the word “typically” but you get the picture. Though why this search was coupled with “clothes” baffles me. Must be a new hipster fashion. “New at American Apparel: The Nurdle Pant.”

socio-political hypocrisy: Is what our show is all about. With a side of lying.

people losing their mind: How’d that rapture turn out for ya? #crapture

angel canceled “joss whedon” letter: Since we’re neck deep in the Angel show right now This is still interesting to me.

beard in perspective: Having a ridiculously large beard does change your perspective on beards. For instance, it gets in the way of your book when reading in bed.

white beard cure: I suggest going for a rainbow tie-dye look using Kool-Aid.

important stuff that in december 10: It’s grammatically impossible to decipher this search but some important events in history, occuring on December 10th include:

  • 1520 – Martin Luther burns his copy of the papal bull Exsurge Domine outside Wittenberg’s Elster Gate.
  • 1799 – France adopts the metre as its official unit of length.
  • 1817 – Mississippi becomes the 20th U.S. state.
  • 1868 – The first traffic lights are installed, outside the Palace of Westminster in London. Resembling railway signals, they use semaphore arms and are illuminated at night by red and green gas lamps.
  • 1884 – Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published for the first time.
  • 1902 – Women are given the right to vote in Tasmania.
  • 1907 – The worst night of the Brown Dog riots in London, when 1,000 medical students clash with 400 police officers over the existence of a memorial for animals who have been vivisected.
  • 1928 – Born, John Colicos, Canadian actor (d. 2000)
  • 1948 – The UN General Assembly adopts the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
  • 1949 – Chinese Civil War: The People’s Liberation Army begins its siege of Chengdu, the last Kuomintang-held city in mainland China, forcing President of the Republic of China Chiang Kai-shek and his government to retreat to Taiwan.
  • 1955 – The Mighty Mouse Playhouse premieres on television.
  • 1965 – The Grateful Dead’s first concert performance under this new name.
  • 1965 – Born, J Mascis, American musician
  • 1968 – Japan’s biggest heist, the still-unsolved “300 million yen robbery”, is carried out in Tokyo.
  • 1994 – Rwandan Genocide: Military advisor to the United Nations Secretary-General and head of the Military Division of the Department of Peacekeeping Operations of the United Nations Maurice Baril recommends that the UN multi-national forces in Zaire stand down.
  • 2005 – Died, Richard Pryor, American comedian and actor (b. 1940)

gif draining blood animated gory: Because a gif of draining blood might not be gory. Well, I guess this was the first return on the image search.

starbase q fetish: Karen is kind of straight for John De Lancie.

we started planning christmas dinner: “Do you remember what we’re planning for Christmas dinner?” “I dunno. Google it.” “I did. The Internet doesn’t know.” “Well, fuck. Let’s just order in Swiss Chalet.”

fam penis: Family penis? Famous penis? Ham penis? Penis fan?

david bowies penis: Must have been “famous penis”. It’s a famous package for sure.

3 Responses to Stephen Harper strangles kittens and sexy very rape (search terms, May 2011)

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