Nurdle My Grits (search terms July 2011)

Things got really hot in July. Both IRL and on the Internet. Once again “sexy rape” is the search term that leads the most people to our blog. Makes me nostalgic for the innocent days of “zombie” domination.

nurdle my grits: I can’t imagine having your grits nurdled could be pleasant in any way, shape or form.

enter this pants love jesus: Even with all the resources of Wolfram & Hart at his disposal, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce couldn’t decipher this cryptic gibberish.

gross star trek nerd: You know what would be gross? A body-paint Deanna Troi onesie. Thank god that doesn’t exist.

star trek porn nerd body paint: What? Why?

sweaty larp nerds: There are other kinds? No, seriously. Running around in chain-mail over a furry costume has got to be pretty warm.

ginger weirdo nerds: Steampunk nerds might be pretty hardcore, but fans of ginger weirdos are positively rabid.

idiot “nerd” girl meme: The idea of memes is that they’re like genes for ideas. Except genes exist to propagate a species. If ideas were a species, this meme would serve to make intelligence extinct.

The Queen? I thought it was David Letterman.faces on pizza: Is a fairly disturbing art form. It kind of looks like nurdled grits.

kennedy gordon nerd podcast: I feel like people who went to high school with Kennedy were talking.

“Yeah he’s podcasting now.”

“Podcasting.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s like radio but nerdier. It’s on the internet.”

“Is it on Google?”

“Yeah it’s on Google.”

“What’s it called?”

“Podcasting.”

“Yeah, but what’s it called? His nerdy radio thing.”

“Oh, just type in ‘kennedy gordon nerd podcast’ and it’ll come up. Something about space ships or books or something.”

the hurdled: This summer. A fandom faces an army of whiny haters. Will it succumb to the powers of infamy or will it become… The Hurdled.

Straight outa Bon Tempssookie stackhouse barcodes: If you send in enough to Hasbro do you get a free “South Central” Bill Compton?

hurdle 69: It’s not as sexy as it sounds. It’s actually a film about a team of revolutionary hurdle  jumpers at the 1969 American National Track Meet. The year they replaced the hurdles with people huddled in sexual acts. It was a freaky time. You had to be there to understand what they were trying to do.

pat with broom demotivational hungover: Getting your butt whacked, or patted, with a broom is one of the most effective, though demotivational, hangover cures. My Auntie Edith swears by it. I think the idea is the humiliation distracts you from the nausea and splitting headache and makes you swear off drinking in the future so it’s also a preventative cure. Well, you’d have to see my Auntie Edith to understand why it’s so humiliating.

darth vader russian wax: “When you’re the Dark Lord of the Sith, image is everything. If my enemies can’t see their own look of terror in my helmet’s reflection, they’re not experiencing true terror. I use Troyka Brand Russian Helmet Wax for that supernova shine. Don’t underestimate the power of the bright side!”

who believe freemason masonic: Who would believe that nonsense? The concept of a masonic Freemason is patently absurd.

xxx structure of freemason: Little known fact: the Freemason pyramid scheme is based entirely on bootlegged porn.

gerbilling torrent: I can understand someone wanted some gerbilling porn. Each to their own. Assuming the gerbils don’t die and are consenting adults, of course. But a whole torrent?

fuck yeah internet badass: I wish I could get that excited about crappy memes.

picture of a nerd named stephen: The first picture in a Google image search this come up with is a flaming car. Steve Jobs comes in at #6 and Stephen Harper strangling a kitten at #19. Then there’s a picture of John Wayne with the words “Herb Wayne Tough Guy!” on it. I’m guessing herb is a nerd. Though not one named Stephen.  Page 3 offers up this bowl of no. The first image on page 6 is a bleeding Jesus nailed to the cross. I think my favourite image was this though.

jesus on a cloud: It’s a shot of tequila in a glass of Bailey’s and whole milk.

fuckn immigrants: Anders Behring Breivik hates immigrants so much, he wants to see pictures of them fucking. I’m not sure how that works. Or why he ended up at our blog.

i cant believe its not baltar: Sweet Caprican genius.

turd with goggles: I’m not sure if in this case “turd” is meant as a noun or a verb. Perhaps if you had explosive enough diarrhea you might need to wear goggles. As in “to turd” with goggles on. Or if maybe this person was looking for a new Pixar character from an in-development project. Literally a turd with goggles.

Turdy McLogge. He’s a begoggled poo-pilot who’s lost the confidence to shepherd poop through the labyrinthine tangles of sewer pipes to the waste-water treatment plant. Accompanying him on a quest to find the Golden Showers, his friends Shermy Scheiße, Cheri La Merde, and Hector Comemierda help him find his purpose again.

unicorn puke tattoo: An image search would have you believe unicorns puked unicorns puking rainbows all over the Internet. I liked this one best. People seem to like it enough to get tattoos of it. Though the “white power” unicorn tattoo is a classic as well.

wesley crusher in a good way: Six words you don’t want to hear your friend use to describe the blind date they’ve set you up with. Though I suppose it’s better than Wesley Crusher in a bad way.

mastication wil wheaton: I’m fairly certain there’s a pretty gross Wil Wheaton chewing scene in The Guild. I can’t be compelled to check. Seriously, no amount of money could compel me.

how to spot a cylon poster: You can easily spot posts on Internet forums written by Cylons by looking for repeated use of  the following key words and phrases:

  • Resurrection
  • Angels
  • Earth
  • The plan
  • The final five (including threads about American Idol)
  • This has all happened before, and it will happen again
  • I’m not a Cylon!
  • Reclaiming the word “toaster” is a political act
  • Kara Thrace and her Special Destiny
  • I can’t believe it’s not Baltar
  • Cybernetic Lifeform Node (even if you can’t make an acronym from letters in the middle of a word)

adult games of tentacles: “Tentacles” was a parlour game fashionable in certain circles of London society during the Victorian period. The great squid famine of 1899 is thought to be the main precipitator of its decline in popularity.

Which leads us to the increasingly disturbing “sexy rape” portion of our program

pretty anime girl get tentacle raped: Has there been a single girl drawn in anime that wasn’t pretty?

strangles rape: I’m giving this person the benefit of the doubt that they’re looking for a deity that kills the mythical embodiment of Rape, eradicating it forever. Maybe it has tentacles.

http://www.sexy.rape in arab.com: Anyone who’s interested in “sexy rape” websites knows it’s best in the original Arabic. اغتصاب انمي سكس

a very and very sexy rape: Not just simply very sexy rape. What these people don’t get is rape is never sexy, much less very sexy and much, much less doubly very sexy. Which must be why they keep bolstering their searches with more and more hopeful very’s. They search, but they will never find.

sexy rapes 2011: There’s annual rape awards? Seriously?

sexy nerd raped: Anyone else starting to feel gingy?

raping kittens: I’m outta here.

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One Response to Nurdle My Grits (search terms July 2011)

  1. Mandi says:

    Raping kittens? Raping kittens?!?!?! RAPING KITTENS?????? OH. NO. YOU. DON’T. Not on my watch, mister, not on my watch.

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