Search Terms, August 2011: worse than fanfics

They say April is the cruellest month. They’ve clearly never been to Ontario is bloody August. Must be the same everywhere though as people clearly went crazy with the heat.

“john de lancie” “stephen harper”: This is perhaps the most baffling combination of personages I have ever been forced to consider. I really hope it doesn’t mean Q is going to play Harper in a bio-pic or a mini-series. Or that Stephen Harper is trying to figure out how to literally become an all-powerful entity. Most likely someone was looking for this forum thread.

gifs, nerdy: Not particularily nerdy, but these GIFs are pretty amazing. Calling them “cinemagraphs” is actually pretty nerdy. Or douchie.

ugly study nerd: When you’re the understudy for the roll of Richard III, they call you the “ugly study.” If your goal is to outshine the star actor after he’s been knee-capped in the alley behind the theatre (by someone who doesn’t look like your roommate at all) and read every book written about Old Dick to get the roll just right. Then you’re the “ugly study nerd.” And perhaps a psychopath. Hey! You’re doing Richard III right!

robin williams on degrassi: Bwwwhat? That’d be rad, but I think someone has Williams and Kevin Smith mixed up. Which is kind of fucked if you think about it.

“Who was it that was on Degrassi that one time. Famous American actor. Funny guy.”

“Robin Williams?”

“Yeahyeahyeah, that’s him!”

Though Williams would probably make an amazing podcaster. Anyway, Williams’ IMDb has every damn talk show appearance since the ’70s listed. No Degrassi.

how to draw a cougar: Step 1: Find a pencil, tracing paper and picture of Cameron Diaz. Step 2: Trace Ms. Diaz. Step 3: Admire your work.

old dandy: Ian McKellen’s nick name. For his penis.

turd cakes: Dating tip – this is probably the worst pet name ever.

holy turd: I imagine the market in holy relics is pretty tapped out by now. But surely we’re not at the point where people are kissing John Paul II’s dried-out bowel movements yet. Are we?

atheists are nerds: I’m made of rubber, you’re made of glue. What bounces off me sticks to you. So there, you dirty Jesus humper.

nailing naked jesus: Yeah. People sure do love the Jesus. So it’s inevitable people will look for the Jesus porn. Dirty Jesus humpers.

Click to biggify

jesus unicorn: In the above porn the Jesus Unicorn’s horn is obviously a dildo. No need to search for that, you can just imagine it. Actually I was hoping to find some nice pictures of crucified unicorns but all I found was this collectible plate.

unicorn penis tattoo: I’m disappointed it isn’t a tattoo where the man’s actual penis was utilized as the horn. When erect, of course. Otherwise it’d be a droopicorn.

worse than fanfics: The Bible. Bah-ha-ha. Just kidding, dirty Jesus humpers. What truly is worse than fan-fiction is crossover slash poetry. Written in iambic pentameter. And Klingon. About Jesus on a unicorn.

sneak a leak device: Apparently at it’s a thing at Aussie football games for spectators to make a sort of catheter out of a garden hose that snakes down their pant legs so they can relieve themselves without leaving their seats. I don’t know if this is a shameful cultural slur on Australians or if it’s horrifyingly true. Also, that I believed it without question probably says something about me. Or Australians. Also, according to Safety News Alert (yes, that’s a real website), sneaking a leak can be deadly.

people that are sick on the goldrush: Not having cable, I am fully willing to believe Goldrush is a reality TV/game show where people run around Manhattan or other American cities looking for geo-caches of gold. They always get sick zip-lining off the Statue of Liberty.

mandi man: A superhero who took on the attributes of Mandi would be a true champion for Social Justice. Of course, they’d have to be a woman because Mandi wouldn’t want the “man” part to be gender specific. Mandi Man might be the only true Adversary for The Banana.

hipster costume<: Is less than? Leaving the equasion open like that suggests “< Everything”. Hopefully the missing variable isn’t “3”. Unless… it’s “/3”. We may never know.

voldemort dance in the dark: One of the most misunderstood villains in wizarding history, He Who Shall Not Be Named had just gotten up in the morning, with nothing to say. He went to bed in the evening, feeling the same way. He was nothing but tired. Tired and bored with himself. Hey there, baby, he could have used a little help. Because you can’t start a fire, can’t start a fire without a spark. But he was a gun for hire, even if he was just dancing in the dark.

gambar lambang voldemort: We get a lot of hits looking for pictures of tattoos of the Dark Mark. This one is in Indonesian or something. Maybe Tagalog. Anyway, roll “gambar lambang” around in your mouth for a while and see how it feels. I could say it all day.

in the film harry potter what is a nurdle: Probably something in Quidditch. Or maybe peas that get stuck in the gap between Neville’s teeth.

drarry porn: Actually, I think this is a nurdle.

how to piss of voldemort: Either this is missing the words steal the in front of “piss of Voldemort”—in which case the answer is carefully—or of should be off—in which case the answer is  Drarry porn.

death haircuts sandman: “Hey Death… Despair called. Robert Smith wants his hair back.”

hello kitty ass: We’ve all woken up to find our cat is shoving their butt in our face.

discrimination workplace comic: Discrimination Workplace is actually an awesome concept for a web comic.

why blog your grief: Because the people behind Livejournal have kids they need to send to college. Don’t make their kids pay just because you don’t want to add to the cacophony of whinge that is the Internet.

guy jumping with shark awesome: Yeah, that is awesome.

before a wish of life: You must answer me these riddles three.

Riddle 1

I haven’t a clue
What time is to you
I’m far too fast
To know time has passed

Riddle 2

Though short in range, they say I’m strong,
Making small things get along.
And thanks to me, the sky is lit
At night, at least a little bit

Riddle 3

A cosmic transmitter,
I’m not, though may seem it
A regular jitter
Of wavelengths, I beam it

Answers (highlight to read): 1. a photon 2. the strong atomic force 3. a pulsar

douche not a beer: Douche or Beer is a pretty fun party game. Massengill tastes surprisingly like Bud.

beer tasting and nerds: The Toronto Festival of Beers had a queer night this year. They should have a nerd night next year. Though LARPers walking around with dragon-embossed pewter steins might be too much even for us.

sexual vomit: The tell-all, unauthorized biography of Slick Rick, the rapper famous for his explicitly sexual and misogynistic lyrics. Incidentally, it’s also the title of his authorized biography which, after a protracted court battle between publishers, caused both books to be pulled from bookstore shelves.

“joey jeremiah” degrassi “tight jeans”: Switch in “Jian Ghomeshi” Moxy Fruvous “Stupid vest” and you get the same image results coming back. Plus you don’t have to look at Pat Mastroianni’s jailbait butt.

whoreship: Mirriam — Bro, two words for worshiping whores? We gotta tighten that shit up.

Webster — Damn striaght, dawg. Check it.

Whoreship. (Hoar-ship) noun, verb, -shiped, -ship·ing or ( especially British ) -shipped, -ship·ping.

–noun

1. reverent honor and homage paid to a whore or a profligate personage, or to any object regarded as slutty.
2. formal or ceremonious rendering of such honor and homage: They attended whoreship this morning.
3. adoring reverence or regard: excessive whoreship of Kim Kardashian.
4. the object of lusty reverence or regard.
5. ( initial capital letter ) British . a title of honor used in addressing or mentioning certain magistrates and others of high rank or station (usually preceded by Your, His,  or Her ). Announcing His Whoreship, Charlie Sheen.

–verb (used with object)

6. to render licentious reverence and homage to.
7. to feel an adoring reverence, of a sexual nature, or regard for (any person or thing). She felt conflicted about whether to focus her whoreship on Edward Cullen, a fictional character, or Justin Beiber, a puppet who might one day be a real boy.

–verb (used without object)

8. to render religious reverence and homage, as to a slut.
9. to attend orgies of divine whoreship.

conspiration scottish york: I think this was supposed to be “Constipation, Scottish York.”

smallpox symptoms diagram: Does your skin look like this?

how to draw cartoon smallpox: First, find a reference photos of an “Indian Brave”, a “White Man” and a pile of blankets…

real hackers never reveal their identity: “What was the name of that hacker group?”

“You mean the one where, like, they don’t have a name?”

“They have a name.”

“Dude, real hackers never reveal their identity.”

“Yeah, that’s why their group has a name they go under.”

“Oh, so they’re, like, anonymous still.”

“Yeah, they’re anonymous.”

“I don’t remember what they’re called. Maybe like Pseudonym or We Don’t Have Names Dot Com or something?”

“I’m typing in real hackers never reveal their identity and seeing what I get.”

hack internet file search: “Dude, so I found that hacker group. They’re actually called Anonymous.”

“Really? That’s lame.”

“Yeah, like, I’m so totally gonna hack the Internet and make ’em think I’m cool. So, um… How do I do that?”

“You need, like, a file.”

“Yeah, totally. Cool. Uh. What kind of file?”

“Like a virus file, dude.”

“Yeahyeahyeah, awesome. How do I get one of those?”

“Like Google it, man. Shit, what kinda hacker are you?”

“Dude, I’m just getting into it. Like I read about these dudes that totally took down MySpace.”

“Aw yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.”

“What should I put in Google? Like, H@xX3r V1Ru$ or something?”

“No. Are you fuckin’ stupid? Type in hack internet file search. Or, my mom says you can get viruses by, like, downloading screen-savers of Megan Fox. Maybe try that.”

oldest living mountie: The old living member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police is (or was?) Ernie Henderson, 105, of Calgary. The oldest living mountee in porn is Nina Hartley.

peanuts dysfunctional family: I’ve always felt the Van Pelts were the most dysfunctional family in Peanuts. Lucy and Linus behave a bit like children who’ve been physically or sexually abused, each processing it in different ways—Lucy is antisocial and abusive, Linus withdraws and funnels his angst into his blanket. It’s not blatant, but it’s something floating, ominously, just below the surface. The fact we never see any of the parents has always given me the feeling the whole neighbourhood is populated by raging alcoholics who spend all day and night at the bar.

Also Snoopy’s family is pretty dark. He came from a puppy mill called the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, which is bad enough but it’s also an obvious metaphor for an orphanage. One where abuse was rampant. This would explain why Snoopy refuses to bond with Charlie Brown—he only ever refers to Chuck as “That round headed kid”—and is in a perpetual state of escapist role-playing that verges on a dissociative psychosis (Red Barron, Joe Cool, etc). As well, his destitute and emaciated brother, Spike, who lives in a town called Needles, is clearly an allegory for a heroin addict.

misguided perseverance: It’s somewhat fitting this search takes people to the blog of a podcast.

vampire cage: “What’s that?”

“Oh, that’s my vampire cage.”

“You’re getting a vampire?”

“Naw, I used to keep vampies but, you know, you forget to feed them and they get out and piss everywhere. An’ you always gotta check ’em for fleas. It’s a pain in the ass.”

“But it’s cool.”

“Aw, yeah, it can be pretty rad. But, you know, I’m at this place right now where I gotta focus on me. I don’t have time to to take care of another living thing.”

“An undead thing.”

“Yeah, whatever. I mean, I feel bad for ’em too. Like, you can’t take ’em for walks in the sun and I’m never around at night. So… you know.”

“What happened to them?”

“Oh, I gave them away on Craigslist. Some old lady wanted company. I think they’re probably way happier.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.”

methods to eliminate cocoroaches: I still say the best way to elminate a box of Kellog’s Coco-Roaches is to eat the whole box in one sitting. Fucking delicious.

Omar flagflogão mafia da banana: Okay, here’s the deal as near as I can figure it. Flogão is some kind of photo sharing site based out of Brazil. And the “Banana mafia” is a big deal down there. I suspect it’s somehow allied with Omar of Atomic Triva War 9000 (see right).  He’s probably the one offering asylum to The Banana for selling Igor out in that Vegas back alley. Anyway, as far as I can tell, judging by the logo, “flogão” must mean “green cat”. Or maybe “pussy lime”. Or “mango panther”. But don’t quote me on any of those.

wheaton train derailment: That’s kind of a mean way to describe his post-TNG film career.

wesley crusher drinking: That absurd. Totally absu— Actually… If I were smarter than Geordie, and had to work under him, with all his bitchy snippishness, I’d be in Ten Forward whining to Guinan every night too.

80’s wesley crusher poster: Mandi will be thrilled to discover this search for a poster just like the one she had on the ceiling above her bed takes people to our blog.

daddy scat movie: As his popularity waned in the mid-90s, Baltimore rapper Daddy Scat tried to make the transition to feature films. Though his performance in Glock Block’d received unexpectedly high praise from reviewers, his career didn’t manage to take hold. He now owns and operates a “hip-hop” airport limousine service called Fly Ridez.

blog star trek online rape: After last month I decided I wasn’t going to comment on “rape” searches anymore. But this one intrigued me enough that I felt it deserved commentary. It’s a blog of rapes that take place in the Star Trek Online video game? Or a blog, online (as blogs are wont to be), of rapes that occured in Star Trek (i.e. Data/Yar). Or is it a fan site of Trek rape-fics? All disturbing possibilities. I’m leaving it at that.

comics porn wampa attack “princess leia”: I’m hoping this is a fan-comic with Luke and Leia getting it on in front of a roaring fire atop a Wampa rug and not, what I suspect, Wampa-rape. If you want to find out, Google it yourself. I’m be at home with the phone off the hook. Call the weekend guy.

19porno beybi: AWTFY.

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3 Responses to Search Terms, August 2011: worse than fanfics

  1. GAB says:

    For me, Misguided Perseverance is another great name for an alterno-folk band, along with Villagers With Torches and Smoldering Resentment.
    I’d go to that concert in a heartbeat.

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    Search Terms, August 2011: worse than fanfics | NERD HURDLES PODCAST

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    Search Terms, August 2011: worse than fanfics | NERD HURDLES PODCAST

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