Search Terms Oct. 2011: “the internet is a weird place”

the internet is a weird place: I have no idea exactly what you’re talking about.

pond anime adult: I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. I hesitate to assume “pond anime” isn’t a thing, because when dealing with anime, anything is potentially a thing. Even a whole sub-genre set in ponds. And, naturally, involving sex.

ponography+word+gaints: “Ponography” refers, as if you didn’t know, to pictures of ponds. The internet is rife with anime ponography. Especially that which involves “gaints”, small creatures named such because they “ain’t giant.”

hurdles in life christina aguilera had: Apparently in an elementary school somewhere Yoda is writing a history report on the former teen diva.

why you mad though: I appreciate how they tried to grammar up the angering “Why U Mad Tho” meme.

hayao miyazaki vs tim burton: This would be a cage match worth witnessing. But, now that I think of it,  I’d also like to witness Miyazaki’s take on Alice In Wonderland, Willy Wonka and Sleepy Hollow. More so than Studio Ghibli’s upcoming Miyazaki-less and rather straight looking take on The Borrowers.

jesus vs freddy krueger: I wonder if horny teens living around Golgotha are terrorized in their dreams by the restless spirit of Jesus, seeking vengeance for his murder by the townspeople.

jesus american flag unicorn: I feel like one of these things doesn’t belong here. Any two are fine.

jesus i don’t want to look at porn: Then don’t Google “jesus american flag unicorn”.

motivational poster follow me on twitter jesus: I first read this as a request or, perhaps, a command. “Follow me on Twitter, Jesus.” I liked the idea of someone giving Jesus an order. But then I realized it must mean something like the below pile of meme.

Which I post here because I can’t tell you how much pleasure I get of how they turned a simple fauxtivational poster into a metaphysical equation. “No, I’m not talking about Twitter…” apparently equals Jesus. I feel like this message could bring peace to the Middle East and make Egypt safe for the Coptics again.

nerd catch phrases: If you want to catch a nerd, a few phrases you might use are…

  • I have a T1 internet connection, a case of Doritos and mini-fridge full of Mountain Dew.
  • I can get you in as a beta tester on the Angry Birds MMORPG.
  • R2-D2 is too in The Matrix. For like one second. Come on up and I’ll show you.
  • I have a signed Weird Al doll in the box.
  • Wanna see the deleted Lando/Leia date rape scene? No, it’s real. Truth, bro. A dude from Skywalker Ranch snuck it out on a jump drive.

which girl would you choose: Out of the 3.5 billion in the world? And what am I choosing her for. A mate? A bridge partner? A source of protein?

did ross pick rachel or the bad girl: Wasn’t Rachel kind of the bad girl. I mean from a standpoint of making Ross kind of miserable and feeling like a loser since he was 16.

prosthetic makeup sexy: Is it sexy or is it prosthetic make-up sexy? Nothing like a set of wax lips to turn up the heat.

red shirt muay thai fighter: Maybe if Starfleet actually trained their away teams how to defend themselves a few more red shirts would have made it back to the ship.

urban peasant bloopers: Bloopers from the small Canadian cooking show seem to me to be an odd thing to search for. Mandi disagrees. Alas, I couldn’t find any.

mandi is a nerd: Yeah, we know.

jakob is a I believe the correct address is

cake ideas with nerds candy: Are all really bad ideas. Just don’t.

is there really a degrassi school in canada: Yes, but it’s not on Degrassi Street. Sacre bleu!

comic trips characters: A few characters known for their pratfalls are the appropriately named Jack Tripper and animated buffoon Homer Simpson. I also like the idea of a comic strip that actively trips it’s characters.

comic office devolves: In 1998, the National Office of Comedy devolved due to a number of divergent goals which resulted in infighting and the withdrawal of support from the Bureau of Tragedy.

charlie brown ego comic strip: I’m not sure there’s a single Peanuts strip that isn’t directly concerned with ego.

snoopy comic psyche: Except the Snoopy ones which are all id.

funny comic strip punchline: There’s so few, someone had to use Google to actually find one.

how to tie a tie step by step in words: DIAGRAMS NEED NOT APPLY.

1950’s? graffiti: I like the tentative nature of this search.

graffiti people stacked: You can fit more on a shelf that way.

tron legacy why did clu want quorra upstairs?: He wanted her to byte his bits.

fileserve suck ugly man puke: I suspect this is only written in lowercase as their allcaps button had been broken in a previous venting.

what color is freddy krueger face: Various shades of ugly, mostly in the puss, blood, festering scab and charred subcutaneous tissue hues.

angelina jolie drains: the will to live.

sasquatch turd gang: Though the name is kind of comical, I don’t think I’d want to encounter them in a dark alley.

kenny loggins mullet: I wonder if Sasquatches wear Kenny Loggins mullets and if we’d be able to tell.

wookie hurdles: One of the hurdles Chewbacca has to overcome in his election bid is to dispel the viscous rumours he’s part Sasquatch (Sasquatches can’t be trusted).

ikea gay: IKEA Gay is a little bit like Jailhouse Gay. “Brent would have decorated his house in manly burl tables and Lay-Z-Boys but he could only afford to shop at IKEA.”

wil wheaton why was disliked by trekkies: He was living the dream. But it was kind of a shitty version of the dream.

wil wheaton fat: Many people swear by duck fat, but they obviously haven’t cooked with Wil Wheaton fat. There really isn’t anything as decadently rich and ads a distinctive flavour to any dish. It’s also surprisingly healthy. Wil Wheaton fat contains 25.7% saturates, 55.5% monounsaturates (high in linoleic acid) and 18.7% polyunsaturated fats.(which contains Omega-6 and Omega-3 essential oils). This compares to olive oil which is: 75% monounsaturated fat (mostly oleic acid) 13% saturated fat and 10% Omega-6 linoleic acid and 2% Omega-3 linoleic acid.

nerd a month: Though “a nerd a day keeps the normies away”, consuming more than the daily recommended intake can result in lethargy, a decrease in social acuity and bouts of self-loathing.

1800 canadian mounties: “No, there can’t be more than 1500 mounties in that picture. I need 1800. Or 1750 at the very least.”

holy fucking fuckballs: Yes, fuckballs not in the act of fucking are, to coin a phrase, fucking useless.

what are the free masons: The ones you don’t have to pay for, of course.

set of six freemason glasses: Worst parting gift on Wheel of Fortune ever. But does explain Merv Griffin’s career success.

masons fuck: their spouses and lovers, supposedly.

igor merkin: Is a really unfortunate name.

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