Butter Turd: 2011 Top Terms

2011. It’s over. But before I reveal what the top search terms of the year are—because you all give such a rat’s ass about that—let’s see what December had to offer

Chad Kroeger and Voldemort

Chad Kroeger and Voldemort

azkaban chad kroeger: At first I thought, this is silly. If being a douche-hole was a wizarding crime, then Azkaban would have been overfilled with Ravenclaws long ago. Stuck-up biotches. But then I realized that putting a Deatheater in a cell with Chad Kroeger is probably the only thing that would scare them enough to betray Voledemort. Well played, Aurors, well played.

butter turd: One of the things I find most fascinating about the human body is that even if you eat a diet consisting entirely of milk, you still can’t use your poo for butter.

{searchterms}photobucket.com/nude body painting: As opposed to clothed body painting. Which is actually clothes painting. And will get you in big trouble with your mom. Clothes don’t grow on trees you know. Not even 100% cotton chinos.

catch phrases, r2-d2, navigator: Anyone who doesn’t think R2 had all the best lines in Star Wars is crazy. When I’m at a party I always try to work “Bweeep-doolooloo-bwerp-bweeeooo” into a conversation. That means, turn right at the next star system. Or, perhaps, C-3P0 is a big nelly bottom.

penis-cook-crusher: One too many hyphens for this to make sense. A penis that crushes cooks or a crusher of penis cooks? Or even a kitchen appliance that crushes penises for chefs who specialize in penis dishes. Just what are you looking for?

sims 3 penis and sims girl pooping: Somebody is hard up for porn. And apparently they don’t have Sims 3 themselves so they have to image search for their SIMfetish pics.

what song is playing in bathtub time machine during the prison second life scene: I like when people ask Google questions as if it were their roommate. I also like the idea of a “bathtub” time machine. That’d be a better movie. Anyway, the song is, apparently, “About To Burst” by some dude named Ken Tamplin.

Samantha Nuttsamantha nutt bitch: For some reason I feel like “Nutty Bitch” would be the “wacky” name a micro-brewery would give their nut brown ale. Dr. Samantha Nutt, on the other hand, is the Executive Director of War Child Canada. And kind of hot in an I’m not quite Sarah Michelle Gellar kind of way. I guess that makes her a bitch.

showing picture penis cock keanu reeves: $17 reward for anyone who can produce a photo that shows Keanu Reeves is, as we all suspect, a penis cock.

lineup haircut: I had no idea what this meant until today. I’m pretty damn white.

shit bob haircut: The “shit bob”, on the other hand, is not an actual haircut. Though describes my grade 12 hairdo quite nicely.

what’s wrong with small people: Their shit bob haircuts, for starters.

lord of king illustration: The second result in an image search is this. Which I suspect is 180 degrees from whatever the person was actually looking for.

puns meat manger baby jesus: The term “meat manger” gives me 101 icky feelings. Whether it is a manger full of pulled pork or just a euphemism for a vagina, it’s all wrong. Either way, I don’t get where puns come into it. Unless it’s from the French manger, to eat. As in Eat my meat manger, Baby Jesus!

jesus humper: Wants their meat manger manger’d.

masonic baby jesus / weird baby jesus / gross baby jesus: You can find all these at the fantastic Tumblr, Ugly Renaissance Babies.

“crucified men” erection: Calling your boner a crucified man is one of the strangest euphemisms ever. I’m guessing it’s another way of saying blue balls. “Dude, I was eating her meat manger all night and she sent me home with a crucified man.” “That’s cold, bro.”

rachel, monica, phoebe, joey, chandler, ross of party: “Yeah, Matt was the life of the patty for sure. But Ken, he was the Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Ross of the party.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I… don’t know.”

muay thai collarges: I’d almost believe a “collarge” is a type of upper body lunge. Or a throw where you grab your opponent by the collar bones and slam them on your knee. Then rip the collar bones right out of their skin. I guess that’s more Mortal Kombat than Muay Thai though.

cool pic to draw a perfect fighter: Someone’s got to start a pay site with reference photos for kids learning to draw manga warriors. They’d make a killing. For a bout a week before all the pics were posted on someone’s DA in various collarges.

nerd powered batteries: If gaming consoles could be powered by nerds, the inevitable energy crisis would be delayed by at least five years.

latest tube of oldhomosexual: Never mind the obvious observation that this person has apparently seen every video of old homosexuals posted online already, but when the hell did the word “tube” become synonymous with porn? Or maybe I’m interpreting this wrong and aging queers come in convenient squeeze tubes now.

mary mcdonnell facelift: Say it ain’t so. Well, in retrospect, it was obviously so.

is it correct to say socialculturalism: Depends how fond of redundancy you are.

twilight meets anne rice: It’s called True Blood.

joggingshorts piss: Not being remotely active, this is something I had never considered. Of course, if I tried to jog these days, my shirt, shorts and shoes would be wet with my own vomit.

air quotes: Useful when searching for…

“a nerd store”: Using quote marks helps refine your searches. For instance, when you’re looking for a single “nerd store” and not multiple locations.

nerd hurdles – the wrath of khan: I don’t think we’ve ever talked in depth about Wrath of Khan. But maybe we should.

calling names in the internet badass: The saddest aspect of cyber bullying (aside from the resultant suicides) is the grammar, or lack there of.

dandy poet: Poets like to believe there are poets who are not dandies.

unicorn on shrooms: You don’t want to meet a tripping unicorn. That guy will fuck you up.

flanders razor: Is a principle similar to Ockham’s Razor, only this is where the most irritatingly sincere and overbearingly friendly theory is the correct one. Especially if it lives next door.

jesus nailing naked to cross: “And then the Lord nailed the very concept of Nudity to the Cross and we were Clothed for evermore.”

zombis zombie in movie: When a zombie gets bitten by a zombie, it gets turned into the zombis. You haven’t seen scary shit until you’ve seen the zombis, or “zombie²”.

successful lt worf: I don’t think “successful” is exactly the word I’d use to describe Worf. His career in Starfleet was sort of moderately adequate and he was the Tom Paris of Klingons. As a source of comic relief in the last three seasons though, he was stellar.

old lady with tattoo: Yeah, she’s still young in this picture, but she’s been dead for like a hundred years. Chew on that for a while.

sculders catchphrase: I don’t want to believe the truth is not out there.

teen jesus freaks: The type of people who believe: “Teen Jesus Freaks was originally found on Facebook and now we thought we could reach out to more teens with a website.”  Because, you know, teens don’t use Facebook. The Simpsons-style cool dude hippy makes a strong argument.

weird anatomy: All anatony is pretty freaking weird if you think about it. I mean really think about it. Which I suggest you don’t if you ever want to have sex again.

perspective drawing of open a umbrella: From which perspective? The umbrella’s?

ponography: Vulcan slash.

marty mcfly fucks his mom porn: This is “ew” enough. But if you imagine 50 year old, Parkinson’s-afflicted Michael J. Fox going back in time to have sex with his teenage mom, it’s “ew” on a whole new level. I would have to assume because I outright refuse to think about that.

wesley crusher 2.0: A part of me sort of wishes Wil Wheaton would make this as a web series.

Okay, you’ve waited long enough! 

Top 10 Search Terms of 2011

  1. voldemort tattoo
  2. wow nerd
  3. deathly hallows tattoo
  4. death eater tattoo
  5. star wars baby mobile
  6. bruce campbell
  7. muay thai logo
  8. empire records
  9. fur trade
  10. science nerd

This only insetting this here is that for the first time in years “Zombies” is not in the top ten. It doesn’t show up until 36.  This is after three more variants on the Deatheater tattoo, Neil Tennant, Bruce Campbell’s chin and, of course, anime tentacle rape.

Bonus stat: The most popular post this year was Baby Meat Jesus with 1,241 hits. Not quite a Christmas tradition or even remotely viral.

6 Responses to Butter Turd: 2011 Top Terms

  1. Ro Karen says:

    It pleases me in a strangely nerdy way that “mary mcdonnell facelift” is often one of my most popular keyword searches as well.

  2. Mandi says:

    Samantha Nutt is totally hot. She was wearing the awesomest outfit too. I bet people who are coltan lovers think she’s a bitch. They resent being made to feel guilty about their essential electronic gizmos even though Dr. Nutt totally doesn’t talk about coltan in a bitchy, guilt inducing way. Swoon.

    Also, fur trade for ftw!!

  3. GAB says:

    For the record, I deplore zombie on zombie violence. Clearly they need a circa-1989 “we’re all in the same gang” campaign.
    I’m told that this only happens in the films when east coast zombies encounter west coast zombies between feeding frenzies.

    Oh, and the connection between “crucified” and “left him hanging” is making me smile in a most blasphemous way.
    Shame on your reader(s), and congratulations all the same!

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