Search Terms January: Beckinsale’s prosterior and is Suzie Plakson gay?

It’s a brand new year, time to take stock and reflect upon the fact that some things never change…

beckinsale butt / beckinsale ass / beckinsale ass vinyl / underworld awakening ass / underworld awakening selene ass pics / girl from underworld awakening ass: This was kind of a popular search this month. Well, here you go. Pervs.

kate beckinsale underworld ass

kate beckinsale underworld awakening hand on heart: Renewing my faith in humanity, this seemingly more sentimental search was also popular. Of course it’s not meant to be a devotional “hand on heart” gesture but a literal  “hand reaching into chest cavity and reviving heart with vampire blood.” I was only surprised there was no search for “kate beckinsale underworld awakening hand on ass.”

underworld: awakening hybride: I can only guess this is a hybrid of a werewolf and the bride of Frankenstein. Which would have made less sense before Twilight.

terrible performance by shane brolly: There’s only one? I find it hard to believe playing Kraven in Underworld was the lowpoint of his career. I’m willing to bet he can do even worse. And I’m willing to find out. I wonder if I could get a grant to stay at home and watch Shane Brolly movies. There’s got to be a thesis in there somewhere.

guise baltar fake nudes: Ever the Machiavellian mastermind, one of Baltar’s more ingenious plots was transmitting naked pictures of Felix Gaeta the in the guise of faked nudes of Caprica Six.

the thing with crazy people is that the sex is: not worth it.

freddy krueger symbol: Most people would say ol’ Fred’s symbol is his knife gloves, or maybe his iconic sweater, but I say it’s knitting needles.

pics of baby wee wee and his pee pee: They just arrested 60 dudes in a child porn sweep in Ontario. I am proud to say none of the arrests were due to people visiting Nerd Hurdles. I think.

kathryn janeway hot?: It depends how cold the ambient temperature of the room is. If it’s 30 below zero, she is, in relative terms, smokin’.

star trek engagement ring box

Click to Engage

dislike star trek: Why would anyone dislike Star Trek?

engagement ring box star trek: Oh yeah, this is why.

tattoo john de lancie: Before Paramount scrapped plans for Fantasy Island: The Next Generation, John De Lancie was rumoured to be cast in the role of Tattoo, beating out Gary Coleman who was expected to be a shoe-in.

where does voldamort have tattoo: On his butt. It’s of John De Lancie’s face.

tattoo penis jesus: I picture Penis Jesus to be like Buddy Jesus only it’s not his thumb that’s sticking up.

Tron Guy

Click to embiggen the Tron junk

naked nerd penis: Here’s the next best thing… There should be some kind of a moratorium passed on reposting the Tron Guy photo.

friction burn on penis: I’m pretty sure that Tron suit chafes the handlebar of his lightcycle.

man with no penis: The only good thing about Your Highness. Speaking of which…

keanu reeves penis: Apparently Keanu Reeves’ penis was insured for an undisclosed amount of money, but reportedly in the millions. Reeves found himself in the middle of an insurance fraud case last year when he was accused of cutting off and eating his own penis in order to obtain the insurance money. His publicist would neither confirm nor deny any details but did let it slip that: “The idea is preposterous. The deductibles are just too high to make such an act worth while.”

knife advertising: Speaking of men missing their phallus, I wonder if Lorena Bobbit ever did endorsements for Henckels. There actually was a moratorium passed on Bobbit jokes. But that’s all I got.

a real life looking replica of alex’s wand: Among Potterheads, the wand of Alexei Levski is a source of much fascination due to recently uncovered notes by J.K. Rowling. It seems she had messily scribbled on a whiskey-stained pub napkin a few lines describing how the core of Alex’s wand is made out of a vein from Keanu Reeves’ penis.

unicorn horn hair band

Click to magically make bigger

unicorn horn hair band: Someone should start a hair metal band called Unikorn Horn. Or, perhaps, not. Anyway, I can’t decide if the picture to the right is a Regretsy or not. What I do know for certain is these demon horns FOR YOUR CAT are awesome.

% of how much are atheist: How much of what? It’s such a vague theological question. Personally I’d like to know how many of those angels on the head of the pin are athiests.

“So, you must believe in God, eh?”

“No. I only believe in things for which there is empirical evidence.”

“But, dude, we’re angels.”

“So? I’ve never seen this ‘god’ of yours. And what’s he done for us lately?”

“Well, he stuck us on the head of this pin for starters.”

“Pssshaw. Atmospheric phenomenon. That’s all.”

kenny g motivational poster: Why haven’t Kenny G, Yanni and John Tesh formed a supergroup? Because it’d be mass murder to blow so many minds.

girl actors with blonde hair:  I only got Carrie Underwood and Avril Lavigne correct in this quiz. Who are these people?

blonde girl with dark haired guy: Why would anybody need to search for this. Is it rare? I’m guessing somebody needed a stock photo for a wedding planner or condominium real estate brochure.

value village hipster: People seem to hate hipsters because hipsters have this cooler-than-thou fashion sense. But you too could be on the cutting edge of fashion.  It’s easy. Just buy ugly clothes other people threw out years ago. The only catch is you have to be comfortable with looking a little like a homeless ex-video game developer who’s just been discharged from a mental healthcare facility after suffering a nervous breakdown.

hipsters are nerds without the brains: And better taste in music than you.

where do you get nerd clothes: Value Village.

new “nerd” outfits: I think you can pick these up at Eddie Bauer. Get a head start on hipster chic circa 2030.

hipster sweatpants: Are pretty nerdy. Also, they look terrible.

emo homemade: “I love your emo. I wish I could afford one. They’re just so expensive. Did you get yours on sale?”

“Oh, I made mine myself at home.”

“No way!”

“Way! It’s easy. I just belittled my child until they lost all self worth and then when they entered puberty they felt the need to assert their individuality by going to the mall and purchasing a prefabricated cultural identity.”

“Really? It’s that easy. Just belittling them?”

“Well, I you have to intersperse it with ignoring them.”

“You see, I don’t know if I could do that. It sounds complicated.”

“No, it’s easy. Look, if I can do it, and you know me, I can’t even drink a latte while getting my nails done LOL, anyone can. Give it a shot! What have you got to loose?”

“What if they don’t turn out emo? What if…”

“What if?”

“What if they end up being a… a… a hipster instead?”

“Oh honey. You worry too much.”

fucking cool emo: is called a hipster.

beer pig love tattoo

Click to empiggen

beer pig tattoo: I might, and I only say might, start writing fan fic about the special love between a beer and a pig.

why people who get tattoos are smart: Because clearly only a genius could come up with the idea of permanently etching a pig and a beer bottle in a joyous embrace on their body.

man anime: Can be shortened to Manime. It has nothing to do with cigarillos.

giant nerd porn: A lot of maninme involves giants raping mutant squids. With their own tentacles no less.

is suzie plakson gay?: No, but I know a lesbian who has the prosthetic Vulcan ears she wore on Star Trek as Dr. Selar framed and displayed on her wall.

jakobsexy: Much the same way Germans combine shorter words to create long, descriptive terms, Nerd Hurdles fans use “jakobsexy” when talking about unspeakable sexiness.

chad kroeger haircut / pictures of chad kroeger haircut of 2012 / chad kroeger 2011 haircut / chad kroeger short hair:  I thought it was a little odd so many people were obsessed with Chad Kroeger’s hair. I had to assume all these searches were by his mom. Anyway, I thought it was weird until I saw the next two searches…

chad kroeger robot costume: According to Google no one has, thankfully, ever dressed up as a Chad Kroeger robot.

chad kroeger dewitt: The idea of a Chad Kroeger / Adelle DeWitt fic fills me with unspeakable rage.

questionable content slash: I recently joined the QC forums only to learn you can get kicked off them for shipping (I wasn’t kicked off). Apparently Hannelore shipping is especially discouraged. It seemed odd to me since the only thing vaguely interesting to talk about with QC is potential romantic pairings. Since it’s a webcomic solely about romantic pairings. Anyway, I can’t imagine just what they’d say about outright slash.

gaydarth: One of the Darkside powers the Jedi seldom talk about is the Sith’s ability to spot a gay man from a hundred feet.

mario gay baby: Mario and Luigi both look pretty damn gay, but I doubt they’d be able to produce a gayby. Actually, I guess anything’s possible in Mario-mushroom-trip-land. But I’d still be worried about deformities arising from inbreeding. Maybe Toad is their mutant love-child. That would explain a lot, actually.

images of muppets movie tickets: “Pix or it didn’t happen, betch.


Okay. I guess there is a Muppet Movie. But $20?! Was the popcorn made of fucking gold?

100 ways to kill wesley crusher: I’m willing to bet 99 of them involve making him sit through a two-hour meeting for projects he’s not even directly involved in. Or maybe that’s just 99 ways to kill me. #100 is making me watch this.

wesley crusher porn stories: It’s so cute when noobs tentatively dip their toes into the slashfic cesspool and call it “porn”.

wesley tits: I would write a fic about Picard supping from Wesley Crusher’s lactating boobs, but I’m sure it’s been done.

stupid nerd porn: See above.

wil wheaton star wars poster: I bet you can find a picture on the Internet of Wil Wheaton surround by Princess Leia slave girls at some convention. If you find it, I don’t want to know.

bowtie brain: I keep reading this as Bowie brain. Because I have Bowie on the brain. Or at least his package.

how to draw a tie: Out of all the “how to draw” searches we get a every month (usually fandom characters), this is the one that made me say, “For fuck sakes, it’s just a tie! Just draw the damn thing!”

classy teacher takes care of nerd whats her name: I’ve mentioned this search before and only include it now because we still get several searches a month for this (due to the fact I mentioned it before). All I’ve been able to deduce via Google is that “classy teacher takes care of nerd” is a porn and there’s a shit load of people trying to find out the name of the titular classy teacher on all sorts of porn forums. I’ve never been able to find the actual video or an answer to the question. She’s like the porn version of Polkaroo.

important events from christina aguilera life / christina aguilera interesting events in life / 10 important moments in christina aguilera’s life: Another persistent search I’ve mentioned before. At this point we can only guess that there’s a teacher somewhere (a classy one) who’s made this a class assignment (to take care of the nerds). There’s no other reasonable explanation for getting several variations on this a month. Actually, that’s not even a reasonable explanation. Surely at this point the first bit of research a middle or high school student would have to do is find out just “Who is this Christina Aguilera chick?” Maybe that’s part of the assignment.

rawhead: Apparently this is an alternate name for Bloody Bones who is a boogeyman originating from Lancashire and Yorkshire.

From Wikipedia: Bloody-Bones is usually said to live near ponds, but according to Ruth Tongue in Somerset Folklore, “lived in a dark cupboard, usually under the stairs. If you were heroic enough to peep through a crack you would get a glimpse of the dreadful, crouching creature, with blood running down his face, seated waiting on a pile of raw bones that had belonged to children who told lies or said bad words. 

Well, fuck me. Still not as scary as the Krampus.

weird where are you from? i’m from the internet.: I wonder if The Internet shows up on Google Maps. What would the directions be from, say, The Internet to, say, My Fridge. I just checked and apparently it would take one day and seven hours by foot. That’s probably true. It’s pretty much my job to play Tripple Town on G+ now.

weird wig: Nobody’s every had a wig weird as Liberace. Well, except for Gary Glitter, of course.

kenny loggins jesus mulletjesus mullet: Also known by hairdressers as The Kenny Loggins.

jesus what meat is it: The latest translations of the New Testament reveal the secret the Vatican has been covering up for years. At the Last Supper Jesus did not—as has been believed for millennia—pass bread to his disciples and ask them to eat of his body, it was Hormel’s Spam. Some scholars believe this gave Judas indigestion and the resultant “bitchy mood” which lead to his ultimate betrayal. Of Kenny Loggins.

nerdare: “I nerdare you to watch Twilight with your little sister.”

“Aw, no problem. Easy.”

“And her twihard friends.”

“Uh, yeah, I can do it.”

“And their twihard moms.”

“Er… sure, yeah. No, uh, problem.”

“You don’t sound so sure. Worried you can’t do it.”


“Aw, c’mon. You just have to twiharder.”

hot scientists in lab coats: They wouldn’t be hot if they a) took their lab coats off or b) turned their Bunsen burners down. Why would anyone want pictures of uncomfortably warm scientists anyway. They’re generally awkward enough.

science nerd logo: Image search surprisingly doesn’t provide a single “science nerd logo” but it sure does have a lot of results for “science logo”, all of which are inherently nerdy. Perhaps this one the most of all.

hardcore corset: Aren’t all corsets hard in their cores? Isn’t that the point? Softcore corsets are just… shirts.

statuses about nerds: Why be original when the Internet can do your thinking for you. I’m not judging. That’s what it’s there for.

charade g20: When police officers Michael Adams, Geoffrey Fardell, David Donaldson, Oliver Simpson and Babak Andalib-Goortani were accused of using excessive force against protesters at the G20 summit in Toronto, spokesmam Michael Adams explained: ‘No, no. We were just playing charades with the hippie terrorists. We were just “acting out” [air-quotes] draconian oppressors. It was just a game. Unfortunately, when you play to win, sometimes people get hurt. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the security zone.’ 

1955s old porn: “I need to find me some really old porn. Like the kind of porn Fonzie would watch. Like, I can only get off if I know the chicks are either dead or look like the Cryptkeeper by now.

masonic porn: One of the secrets most closely guarded by the Free Masons is that their porn is… well, pretty much just regular porn. Circa 1955. And still full of spyware.

doll parts painting: Oh, you didn’t need to go to sleep tonight did you?

doll parts horror

aragorn legolas slash: There’s lots of it out their but it’s all silly. Now, Aragorn/Faramir… Huh? Huh? Amirite? Amirite?

legolas in dress: I bet you it’s a wedding dress. From when he tried to marry Aragorn. But unfortunately their wedding ring got mixed up with The One Ring and Legolas disappears during the ceremony when Aragorn looks in his eyes lovingly and slips it on his finger and Legolas turns evil and kills everyone at the wedding except for Grima Wormtongue who he lives happily ever after with in a domestic partnership in Baltimore which is what Mordor was an allegory for all along, duh.

mandi fanfic nerd hurdles: Funny you should mention Aragorn/Legolas… 100 points to the house of any student who can find it.

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