Awesome Crazy Giant Dragons (search terms Feb)

Okay, so let’s just get this out of the way first. Apparently Kate Beckinsale’s ass is the most popular thing on the internet. Ever. I think it’s even giving “zombies” a run for their money. But then, zombies don’t run very fast.

underworld awakening kate beckinsale ass pictures: That is just the crest of a tidal wave of “underworld ass” searches (that one came in a whopping 36 times) this month. Here’s few of the better ones:

  • underworld selene ass (13x) — the silver medal winner.
  • kate beckinsale underworld ass (7x, plus 3x without the word “kate”)
  • underworld girl ass (4x)
  • underwirld girl ass — the above wasn’t always spelled correctly.
  • kate beckinsale underworld 4 butt ass (2x) — I think “butt-ass” is the new “butthead”.
  • kathryn beckinsale assthe more refined ass Googler uses the long form of her name.
  • underwold dat ass — for the more ghetto ass Googler.
  • underworld selene butt in tights
  • vampire kate beckinsale in lack leder sometimes these searches are educational “lack leder” is German for patent leather. I didn’t know that. Now I do.
  • underworld hot butt — this sounds to me like something you’d get at dim sum.
  • kate beckinsale ass pant underworld — actually, I think “asspant” is a better insult than “butt-ass”.
  • best selene underworld ass shots  — only the best.
  • best pictures of underworlds ass  — only the best pictures of Shane Brolly, plzthx.
  • underworld kate ass — For some reason “kate ass” sounds like a condition to me. Like shingles in your crack. “Blimey. Me old kate arse is kickin’ up ag’in like a sack o’ponies.”
  • underworld pic ass — I imagine the vinyl tights had Kate’s thong fully wedged in there and it needed to be picked out every night. Sexy.
  • underworld asspics when setting off on a long journey, make sure to pack some vampire butts in aspic. A hearty delicacy.
  • kate beckinsale underworld hot — more of a catch-all search, not limited to the butt region.

Of course, people weren’t content with mere vinyl encased butts. Searchers upped the ante with: underworld awakening pictures naked (3x), nudes of kate beckinsale, nudes kate beckinsale (no of), kate beckinsale nude scene in underworld awakening (verbose), underworld awakening selene nude, selene underworld naked wallpaper, and finally, the slightly more aggressive, fake nude fuck kate beckinsale.

And, naturally, mere nudes can’t content the most ardent Beckinsale fan so: kate beckinsale sex fanfictionkate beckinsale porn, and underworld awakening porn also made an appearance.

lifesize cardboard cutouts of kate beckinsale in underworld: Because a custom-made Selene Realdoll is out of most nerds’ price-range.

underworld awakening profits 17.02.2012: I have no idea what Underworld: Awakening actually grossed at the box office, but I think it’s safe to assume (from even a quick analysis of the above) that someone selling pictures of Kate’s posterior could stand to make something in the ballpark of $17,022,012 a week.

nerd loves underworld movies: And this is why.

underworld awakening fanart: I’m guessing it’s 104.76% butts.

suzie plakson smoking / suzie plakson nude pics porn / suzie plakson boobs: Why should Kate have all the fun? I think I know who made these searches…

nelly’s penis: And, for that matter, why should the girls have all the fun?

pencil penis: I usually check these searches to see if they refere to some meme I’m unaware of because I don’t want to make jokes like “poptart cat: The problem with cat-flavoured poptarts is the hairballs” and look like an idiot. But I’m too afraid I’ll see pictures of penises with pencils stuck through them.

looking like angelina jolie: “Nelly’s so hot. Why’d you break up with him?”

“Ugh. His penis was so skinny it was like—”

“A pencil?”

“No. Worse. Angelina Jolie’s leg.”


kermit angelina jolie legs: I’m more interested in seeing a photo-manip of Angelina with Kermit’s right leg. Insert “you just need to colour her leg own spindly leg green in Photoshop” joke here.

how to draw porn: 1) Go on the internet and find a picture of UFC. 2) Print out the picture and trace it. 3) Erase any clothing lines. Fun fact: You can draw “straight” porn by adding longer hair and larger breasts to one of the fighters. I suggest using two large olives stuffed with pimentos for boob models.

awesome crazy giant dragon: First it was ninjas, then pirates, then zombies, then unicorns (which lead to My Little Ponies) and now, apparently, dragons are the popular ironically AWESOME creatures du jour.

ss fighters muay thai gym: I think after dragons it’s going to be Nazi kick boxers.

friends tv show black haired girl: There was a time when Courtney Cox was a household name. Apparently that time has passed.

han leia analysis: can pretty much be summed up with another search we get every month “han solo is a douchebag.”

nerds vs strippers: Who ever wins… self-esteem loses.

chad kroeger hurt on stage: Really? Please tell me more about this Chad Kroeger getting injured business, smooth-talker.

chad kroeger trousers: Now, clearly, I’m not one to defend Chad Kroeger. But the notion of Chad Kroeger wearing “trousers” is hilarious. I wonder if he owns a pair of “slacks” as well. Actually, he’d probably be a better person if he wore trousers instead of his trademark dungarees. I’m suddenly feeling like I’m all too familiar with the image Chad Kroeger’s butt in jeans.

abomination cage: The U.S. military has been working on a structure that can safely contain Nickleback’s music.

tattoo symbol that a nerdy character on tv had: I’m perplexed by the vagueness of this search. And a little ashamed to know they were probably looking for the Tri-Force logo. I don’t even play that damn game.

unicorn tattoo for men: For some reason I’m really bothered by the idea of a “more masculine” unicorn design “suitable for a man.”

nerd outfits for women: You can buy them at a store in the mall called Mary-Suit.

a real nerd clothes: Don’t buy nerd clothes out of the back of a van in the alley. They’re probably cheap fakes.

nerd outfit einfach gemacht: More German lessons. Apparently “einfach gemacht” means “just did”. That just didn’t help make sense of this search.

nerd ladies man: This is a cruel hoax perpetrated by the media to give nerds false hopes. It’s an impossible dichotomy. Once you become a bona fide ladies man, you are by definition no longer, or never truly were, a nerd.

cool nerd haircut: The same goes for the elusive “cool nerd haircut”. You can’t have a crooked, patchy bowl cut and be cool. No matter what hipster fashion blogs try to tell you.

penis haircut: Unless it’s a haircut that looks like a cock knob. Then you might actually have a chance at being a nerd ladies man.

haircut grade 3: No matter what generation or country you grew up in, grade 3 is the year of your absolutely worst ever, unbearably dorky, shit haircut.

shit haircut: Speaking of which, a reasonable facsimile is usually worn by…

really hot and shy emo boys: who actually kind of are nerd ladies men.

bad nerd: I’m not sure how it’s possible to be bad at being a nerd. A certain level of incompetence is integral to being a nerd. Ergo being incompetent at being a nerd would only make you more nerdy. #mindblown

ugly asian nerdy man fat: “What’s the name of that guy who just died?”


“That’s what I’m asking.”

“I mean what guy who just died?”

“The fat  ugly Asian nerdy man.”

“Kim Jong-il?”

“No, it wasn’t a chick. It was a dude. He was, like, a dictator.”

You’re a dick-taker.”

demotivational posters sincere: “I just want to be sincerely demotivated. Those demotivational memes are all too ironic or completely sarcastic at best. I just can’t get sufficiently demotivated by a cynical jibe. Doesn’t anybody value sincerity anymore? Oooh LOLcats.”

death fuck freemason: That’s how the Masons get you if you discover their secrets. The death fuck. Let me tell you, it’s not as fun a way to die as it sounds.

quantum consciousness: This is another term for Santorum’s intellect. It’s so small it’s undetectable using our current technology.

cheesiest pizza on earth: I question how this would be measured. At what point does a pizza stop being a pizza and becomes a circle of bread underneath a lake of melted cheese? And who makes this call?

whats wrong with you darjeeling limited: I mean, besides being Wes Anderson’s most self-satisfied and uneven film? Nothing really. Though lately I’ve been feeling that Adrien Brody’s nose has of kind of jumped the shark.

thevibratorking: You know how they have vibrators molded from porn stars’ penises? Well, they do. Anyway, they should make a dildo out of a cast of Adrien Brody’s nose.

d20 ball gag: Probably the only sexual accouterments nerdier than an Adrien Brody nose dildo.

what do friction burn on a penis look like: Suspiciously similar to that “rash” you can’t seem to get rid of.

star trek data fucking wesley crusher porn stories: Considering the speed in which Data can rearrange Isolinear chips, I can only assume friction burn plays a prominent role in these stories.

shrinkwrap fetish story: The reason Data ages is because he doesn’t wrap himself in plastic every night to keep himself fresh. He’s just not into that kink.

b’elanna/janeway slash: on our Voyager Voyages posts we have a saying, “And the fanfic just writes itself.” Apparently it doesn’t and people need to go looking for it. I have to say though, B’Elanna and Janeway is a pairing I’d never consider. I don’t know why. I guess I just don’t see everything through…

femslash goggles: Which, when worn, makes everything you see look like…

voyager fanfic adult torres rape ro “ball gag”: Whoever made this search needs to remove their femslash goggles, count to ten, and maybe get some counselling.

karen weatherhy: The Starbase 66 version of Tuvix.

harry potter nurdle: As we’ve reported before, a nurdle is a plastic nodule. Apparently a nurdle is also a play in the game of tiddlywinks and a type of batting in cricket. Though I’m unclear if it has anything to do with quidditch. Probably not. Even J.K. Rowling didn’t use words that silly.

i will make a offer you can’t refuse: “Gimme those nurdles and I’ll tiddle your winky.”

closeted gays: At first I thought “What? Are they looking for a list of people who aren’t openly gay?” then I realized there probably is one on the tangled interweb of hatred.

lips stuck to cock: You can tell if a man is a closeted gay by his plump, succulent lips. Succulent like water-retaining plants adapted to arid climates or soil conditions that store water in their leaves, stems, and also in their roots.

lion and lamb nerd: Apparently there’s perks to dating nerds in high school.

whats right:My priest said my conscience should be my guide; that I just need to do what’s right and I will find peace. But I’ve never known what is right. I’m beginning to suspect he doesn’t either. Maybe Google will be able to help me. [Five minutes later] If I’d known cats getting their heads stuck in boxes was what’s right, I could have been happy years ago!

cyberfu:Yes, young grasshopper. Cats with their heads stuck in boxes. Your cyber-fu is strong. Now let me see your cat made out of a pop-tart farting rainbows style.

reasons why viruses are non living: You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten one of Jakob’s patented “pepperoni chub” sandwiches and viruses don’t have mouths. QED.

freddy krueger worst face: He does have pretty much the worst face. Next to Quentin Tarantino, of course.

the poem this poem sucks: There’s no joke I could make that’s better than the real thing.

life pod icon pictures: I wonder who it is that has the wherewithal to build an effin’ life pod in their garage in preparation for the upcoming ecological apocalypse but can’t figure out a simple icon for it. Maybe I’m reading too much into this search.

lotr gay hobbits: It’s not true that Sam and Frodo or, despite their names, Merry and Pippin were lovers. But…

on the other hand, is a hobbitsexual.

nerd herdles studio: Studio… hahahaha… cute.

2 Responses to Awesome Crazy Giant Dragons (search terms Feb)

  1. Mandi says:

    I think trouser should be the new douche. “I can’t believe he used the R word!?! What a trouser.”

    Also, manly unicorn … MANICORN! Didn’t you make a picture of this and everything?

    And finally, Mary Suit? Genius.

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