Do not succumb to porn. Weird search terms, March 2012.

Due to a variety of reasons, I’m way late with our March round-up of unusual search terms. In unrelated news, the world didn’t end.

fashion for 80’s nerds men: A good tip for nailing nerd fashion is to dress like someone in their 80’s.

are birkinstocks for nerds: Only if the nerds are lesbians.

what do mathematicians wear: Birkenstocks.

nerd scum: A colloquial term for the residue build up found on track-pads and mice. It commonly consists of skin cells, sebaceous fluid and Dorito’s seasoning.

the hurdle sex toy: Our plans for the “Wangina”—a combination penis and vagina sex toy—was abandoned. Mostly because we couldn’t figure out what that would look like.

mini hurdles: My favourite at office parties. Why do bite-sized hurdles taste so much better than full-sized hurdles? Of course, you end up eating at least a third more hurdle without even realizing it.

jesus is a ner d: A well placed space means it’s not blasphemy.

baltar you know doesn’t like that name: In season 5 of Battlestar Galactica, Gaius would have changed his name to Susan.

http://www.turdactor goole: Some actors are such turds, they actually become ghouls, improperly translated here as “goole”.

head of the baby was taken out: Not only can I not imagine what this person was searching for, I can’t imagine what kinds of things they actually found. Other than THIS.

who is a bigger dick than john de lancie at conventions?: That girl who keeps asking him him who he would rather sleep with, Geordie or Riker.

non sequitur voyager bullshit: As far as character development continuity goes, pretty much every episode is a non sequitor to all previous episodes.

star trek ass shots: But… those uniforms make everyone’s ass look so bad.

suzie plakson, fake nudes: I can’t even find real Suzie Plakson nudes, much less fake ones. This search (with or without the word ‘fake” in it) does however bring up several instances of this guy, and this website.

masonic emblem 1874: That one year when they abandoned the set square and compass design in favour of an insignia depicting fire-breathing kitten with boobs holding a musket that shoots rainbows.

gay share the load: As opposed to all those totally straight “Share the Load” memes out there.

gandalf is it secret is it safe: “C’mon Gandalf, is it? Is it? You what? You have it to a halfling? Do you know what the meaning of “safe” is? Oh you do, do you? Okay, gimme your dictionary because I think your dictionary must have a different definition than mine. Give it. Don’t be a dick hand it over. Thanks. Yeah, see here it says “Secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk.” Does that sound like Hobbits to you? Their arms aren’t even long enough to wipe their own asses. Okay, maybe that was unfair. But, seriously, dude, the safety of Middle Earth rests on Sam-fucking-Gamgee’s shoulders? Yeah, yeah, Frodo, sure. You really think Sam is going to be able to hold him together when he goes all mopey and emo? Oh, I’ve seen that guy. He’s two steps away from posting poems about cutting himself on Livejournal. Just you wait. Time bomb. And what about those other loudmouths, Merry and Pippin?  You think they can keep it secret? What kind of leaf have you been smoking in that pipe?”

legolas being confused: See above.

common search strings: If these posts are a list of “common” search strings, we’re all doomed.

unicorn with issues: Yeah, we all have problems with our mothers, but surely being roasted on spit is a unicorn’s biggest concern.

stare ruske filmy: This just means Russian Military Films. But when I googled it, I found an add for a 1.5L hip-flask. Which I imagine is standard issue in the Putin’s military.

beer garden hippie: Something the guidebooks never tell you is that Germany is choc-a-bloc with them.

pictures of girls butt in mould leather: Mould leather is a bit of a misnomer. The über-chic textile is actually made from lichen, which is a fungus and not a mould at all.

what is swaddling clothes of jesus: I don’t know what it is that’s swaddling the clothes of Jesus, but he might want to keep an eye on it. Lest it starts swaddling something else. Swaddlers are like cockroaches or bedbugs (or beer garden hippies), they’ll take over your home if you let them.

badass homes: Unless there is a moat of fire involved, it’s not badass and I’m not interested.

death fire blood cross jesus last judgement tattoo: I dunno. That actually sounds kinda badass.

nothing to be afraid of tattoo: “Yeah, it’s just a little death, fire and blood. What? You chicken? Bock-bock-bock. Afraid of Jesus on fire spewing blood? It’s just a tattoo.”

no regrets tattoos rate: Most tattoo parlours charge on a sliding scale. If you want a tattoo you actually will not regret in five years’ time, be prepared to pay through the nose.

spy kids 4 all the time in the world the movie you can watch on the computer: “I’m finding lots of torrents by they’re all 35mm prints!”

guy who eats kermit: Sam J. Pickard of Cedar Falls, Iowa, was best known for eating over 1,900 Kermit the Frog dolls between the years 1987 and his death in 2005 (aged 57). Unfortunately his claim to fame was only known to his mother and “kermithound65”, the eBay seller who supplied Pickard with the majority of his diet.

penis tripple: A special strong, pale ale brewed once every 30 years by the Dahngle order of Trappist Monks  in Oost-Vlaanderen, Belgium.

sims pooping pants: The final straw for me and Sims Social on Facebook was you couldn’t make them poop their pants or lock them in your confinement room.

spring tits: are bouncing back.

baltimore limousine service: How did this search get somebody to the blog of a podcast in Toronto? Do Baltimore limo companies have the worst SEO ever?

johnny depp tapered: He is significantly narrower at the toes than at the shoulders.

mandi balding: How do these rumours get started? Mandi is not balding.

7 major events in christina aguilera’s life: Apparently three of the ten major life events in Christina Aguilera’s life are no longer considered canon and the list has been amended to seven.

be a nerd and do not succumb to porn: I don’t understand. How can you be a nerd and not succumb to porn? The whole marketing strategy of most fandoms is, in fact, PORN. Ergo…

Best of this month’s “Kate Beckinsale ass” searches.

“kate beckinsale” selene butt: “Celine Butt” is the character played by Kate Beckinsale in the upcoming rom-com, Frozen Assets, about a small town ice cream shop in danger of closing down when a Baskin Robbins opens across the street. Ryan Reynolds co-stars as the manager of the Baskin Robbins.

kate beckinsale ass 2012: The first presidential candidate to cause Obama to lose sleep.

kate beckinsale underworld butt -kick -kicking -kicks: They want to see it in all tenses except past.

does kate beckinsale get naked in underworld awakening: “Cause I’m not going to bother finding a download unless she does. I got the leak of the Frozen Assets test screening and she doesn’t even show any cleavage. What a rip off.”

kate beckinsale vinyl ass: They couldn’t figure out how to get Selene’s pants any tighter so they actually replaced Kate’s bum with a vinyl prosthetic. She says it squeaks on the toilet seat.

the ass from underworld porn: Ass From The Underworld is actually a pretty great title. Though not for a porn so much as an Ed Wood-style B-movie. About a demonic donkey who comes in the night to eat the souls of a small Mexican village. Starring Kevin Bacon and Jennifer Grey.

kate beckinsale star trek: Nope.

epic battle between alice from resident evil and selene from underworld: Do they have cosplay gladiatorial contests at Comic Con? It seems like they should.

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