Darth Wonka: Strange Search Terms (April ’12)

You want bigger Wonka Vader? You click that shit.willy wonka meme chewbacca: Oh, you made a snarky meme? Please tell me all about it. Anyway, Darth Vader inexplicably dressed at Willy Wonka… just ‘cuz.

anal, canada, true north: This is a nicely condensed version of the lyrics of our national anthem. They left out “Strong and free” but you get the gism. I mean fist. Dammit. Gist, you get the gist.

chad kroeger shaved: Some things cannot be unseen. Especially when they’re images you’ve conjured in your head after reading a search string. I’d hate to make you to imagine Chad Kroeger’s prickly taint hairs growing back in but, well, there you go.

angelina jolie real photos: “That skeletal harpie is not Angelina Jolie, Google. I said give me Angelina Jolie photos!”

“nobel prize in podcasting”: I want whatever this guy’s been drinking.


Clicken to embiggenate

geek nerd normie chart:  I’m not sure what a graphic that charted Geeks, Nerds and Normies would look like. A Venn diagram would pretty much have two overlaying circles and one way off to the side. Maybe it’d intersect a little at The Avengers or The Dark Knight or something. Anyway, substitute “Normie” for “Dork” and the thing to the right is pretty close.

clothes of a cool nerd: Nerds generally keep cool in the summer by wearing white wife-beaters and basketball shorts. No, wait a minute, that’s douchebags. Douchebags wear those.

catsuit sci fi: At the most recent meeting of the Association of Science Fiction and Fantasy Screenwriters of America, the motion was passed to officially change the name of the genre to Hot Chicks in Catsuits.

overcome and nerd: Two completely different words.

lego armor: Isn’t going to protect you from a dragon attack. In fact, it’ll melt onto your skin and the dragon will say, “Thanks for making my job easier by essentially wearing Napalm.”

sex toys made from legos: All I’m saying is you’d better have one calloused vagina.

“pete townshend” “nerd”: Two fairly similar words.

questionable content or some combination: …of asparagus and catheters?

star trek voyager shore leave tom paris and harry kim tied up: There’s a fanfic for that.

nothing says i love you more than fisting: Except holding your hair when you’re throwing up. While fisting me.

how to make porn: First, I’ll cover the basics. Sometimes when two people are really, really good friends, they like to kiss naked…

what is the universal language to check out a butt: Some things are just lost in translation. Luckily the Japanese (of course) are developing a robotic butt to help convey emotions.

will the nerd: …play Mass Effect 3 tonight? I’m putting my chips on “yes”.

smooth pencil like succulent: Liam was upset Kaysee had described his penis this way on her Livejournal until he realized a girl was blogging about his penis.

nothing to talk about: “Man, I wish there was a place where people who have nothing to talk about write a bunch of shit they expect people to read. I wonder if there’s somewhere like that on the Internet.”

inn keeper in jesus’ time: Recently uncovered archaeological data has revealed that at the time of Jesus’ birth, “Inn Keepers” were actually owners of the giant dinosaur knows as Indosaurus. The Indosaurus was not a common pet but there was a flourishing underground fight circuit (similar to modern day cock fighting) well underway. The Inn Keeper in question had actually put Joseph and Mary in the Indosaur’s stable hoping his prize fighter would make a cheap meal of them. Instead the Baby Jesus actually sent all the dinosaurs 100 million years into the past, including all their bones. Jesus was that pissed about the whole thing.

motherfucking pirate: Why settle for a pirate when you can have a motherfucking pirate? I wonder when hipsters are going to start dressing like actual pirates for Halloween. These pirates literally fuck mothers. As in rape them. And then blow them up.

mother fucking pirates

lord voldemort dick: Ron was upset Hermione had described his penis this way on her Beedleblog until he realized a girl was blogging about his penis.

bob haircut nude: For a time Bob was upset about the hidden webcam images of him getting a trim at Feathers All Nude Hair Salon. But, like many an Internet celebrity before him, he soon grew to enjoy the notoriety. His oiled body being covered in hair clippings though, boy, he never got used to that.

is stephen harper sexiest: No, actually he’s the second least sexy Canadian man. Right after Chad Kroeger.

vagina tentacles anime: Those aren’t tentacles, those are pubic hairs. Women have them. Though if you’ve only seen naked women in porn, you might not be aware.

what does friction burn on penis look like: Painful. And probably pink or red.

white marks penis: Mark’s penis was white. Until it got friction burn.

pride and prejudice tattoo ideas: “Okay gang, let’s get the ideas flowing. Just shout out whatever comes to mind. It can be an phrase from the book or maybe an image that really resonated with you. We’re just jamming here. There’s no bad ideas. We’re just brain storming. C’mon, let’s get a typhoon going. A brain typhoon. Anything at all. A word? An image? Susan? Colin Firth’s face? Really? A little obvious isn’t it? Maybe we can think outside of the box a little… No, I’m not shooting down your idea, Susan. But when you think of Pride and Prejudice, do you really think Colin Firth first? Firth first! Say that five times fa… Well, okay, I’m sure you do [hohoho]. But… Okay, and you too Nigel but… Fine, Brenda thinks of Colin Firth also. We all think he’s sooooo dreamy, sooooo stiffly awkward and charming. What an English gentleman. But it’s my ass that’s getting tattooed and I’m not putting Colin fucking Firth’s smarmy mug on it, you utter twats.”

4 Responses to Darth Wonka: Strange Search Terms (April ’12)

  1. Marius says:

    Japanese Assbot would be a great album title.

  2. mandihardy says:

    So, I wanna work at that douchey brain-typhoon place. It seems wacky and creative.

    Also, you make a good point about the pirates. When excatly did pirates become a cute harmless thing to dress up as? I mean, pirates are scary.

  3. EricIndiana says:

    I am so happy that people are using technology to understand the emotive world of the butt. As for google phrases, I sometimes collect phrases which surprisingly DO NOT show up anywhere on Google. It’s hard to believe that I’m the first person in history ever to write these phrases, but Google thinks so: http://daisybrain.wordpress.com/2010/10/18/more-google-virgins/

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