Zombie Boobs and Dragon Cock: Weird Search Terms July 2012

July was a hotter than average month for us here in Ontario. And judging by the search terms that got people to this blog, it was hot on the Internet as well. Well, when isn’t it hot on the Internet?

nerd hurdles empire sucks: The Nerd Hurdles Empire does kind of suck. But what do you expect from an empire that consists of two microphones, a computer and three cats?

zombies boobs: “Like, if you drank milk from a zombie’s boob would you become a zombie?”

guns money and bitches: This pic’s got it all. Plus umbrellas.

oh you gif: I still say the Brits have the cutest insults. “Yes ma’am, you can kill a lot of gifs with this gun. But we don’t really do that anymore. Not since we lost India to the darkies.”

why do mathematicians wear birkenstocks: Because Crocs are tacky.

is debate team nerdy?: It’s not up for debate.

weird asian people: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

chic is the new punk: Yes, doggedly following trends is totally the new bucking social conventions.

has wil wheaton become the king of nerds: He’s more an honourary ambassador like Neelix was. Just something the producers had the Internet tell him so that he’d stop pestering them for roles in proper films. “Yeah, Wil, the Internet is the new Hollywood. For serious. I hear The Guild is hiring.”

many emotions of wil wheaton: A) earnestly enthusiastic; B) see A.

behind the red door wesley crusher slash: What secrets hide behind the red door? A bunch of red shirts, of course. Waiting for Wesley to take them on an “away mission” wink wink nudge nudge.

captain cockblock: Harry Kim’s honourary title, passed down from Geordie Laforge. Stuck in the Delta Quadrant, Harry never got to play his clarinet on one of Wesley’s away missions.

hipster stormtrooper: I’d ask you if you’ve seen the droids I’m looking for, but you’ve probably never heard of them.

leather thong for hair jedi: “Limited time offer! The HAIR JEDI! With this real faux-leather hair-thong you can create ANY hairstyle in seconds. Order now! NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES*”

* Except As Seen on TV; Showcase; Wal-Mart and Dollarama.

jesus head cake: There should be a urinal cake in the shape of Buddy Jesus’ face. It’s like he’d be saying, “Good job not splashing!”

nerd people call themselves: Na’vi.

i hate demotivational poster memes: The only upside these meme is you don’t really see the original posters that often anymore. Which might be why people no longer seem to understand what the motivational poster parody format is supposed to be.

Incidentally, I was almost fired from a job for scanning the “motivational” posters in the office, changing the captions, printing them out on a photo-printer, and replacing them in their frames.

I did, however, get a lot of kudos from my coworkers. #jobsatisfaction

how to draw dragon cock: I’m pretty sure you can just  Google “how to draw an iguana” and follow those instructions. And have the mouth breathing fire. Leave out the legs though. That’d just be horrifying.

eerie scene kkk: As opposed to those idyllic depictions of cross burnings and lynching.

cute athest girls: No one likes to get their jollies looking at porn only to find out those girls are… gasp… Christian. What’s an atheist supposed to look like anyway?

is twin peaks charter filled with nerds: You mean the bus charter that takes you on the Twin Peaks tour? I would imagine the answer is an unequivicable “Yes.” But if you’re that nerdophobic, you can take this very well-researched virtual tour of the locations instead. An no one will know your a nerd (or so you can keep telling yourself).

glossy magazine clipart: No matte clipart, please. Spot varnished if possible. Maximum gloss. I want to be blinded by this fucking clipart.

“lego friends porn”: It was only a matter of time.

“confinement room”: I pretty much hope this was not related to the “Lego Friends Porn” search. Although I can’t see how it wouldn’t be.

funny cartoon stalker rapist letters to leave on a desk: 0_O … To paraphrase Inigo Montoya, “You keep using the word funny. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

rape art: … o_O

i kill with a knife:  … O_o ….

demotivational uncomfortable plot summaries: Not really “demotivational” or even “uncomfortable” but mostly pretty on point breakdowns of what famous films are actually about.

keep succumbing to porn: If you did it once, you’re already damned. You might as well keep going. You can’t get any more damned. Might as well make it Lego Friends porn. You might as well make some rape jokes while you’re at it. And kill someone with a knife.

tasha fields killer pictures: Well, this is an alcove of the Internet I never thought I’d wander down.

shortspiss: A less common variety of evergreen than the iconic Californian Tall Spiss Pine.

small in height: “Ah man. I can’t think of the word I need. It’s on the tip of my tongue.”

“Yeah, I hate that. What does it mean?”

“Like small in height.”

“Uh… you mean, like, short?”

“Hmmm, maybe. Doesn’t sound right. Untall? Is that a word?”

“I don’t think so. Why don’t you want to use short?”

“No no no. It’s on the tip of my tongue. It means lower than average height.”

“And you’re seriously not thinking of short?”

“Oh! I got it. Short. Thanks. I guess I just needed to talk it out, y’know?”

” … ”

howl poem sucks: Well, it’s hard to write “Aaaaaarrrroooowowooooorrrooo” in iambic pentameter. I really think you’re expecting too much from canine poets.

girls hurdles with cameltoe / sexy hurdles: I kind of thought Michelle Jenneke would have stuck in the public consciousness a little longer than she did. The Internet is now officially a goldfish.

michelle jenneke

hives freemason: The whole Freemason conspiracy is actually a plot to keep the formula for an ointment that relieves the swelling and itching of hives secret. They’ve long since forgotten why it’s being kept a secret, but they must honour the tradition. Even if it means they occasionally have to kill people with a knife to keep it safe.

nerdy girls like ugly betty: True. But some nerdy girls also hate Ugly Betty. Ugly Betty can’t be everything to everyone.

alsoconspiracy nerd: Most people who pirate alsocons are indeed nerds. No one knows why.

nerd asking out a princess: See also: Teen romantic comedy plot devices; Trainwrecks.

series star trek: voyager, which … the crew try to flush out the traitor on board who has been talking to the … janeway and chakotay must be quarantined on a …: “Yeah, okay, so I clearly know the whole damn synopsis of the episode but I’m still going to Google it.”

robert duncan mcneill gay: This month’s search count is 97. Will Robbie break his record in August? And is he gay our not?

was ricardo montalban straight, gay or bi: Well, I guess Robert Duncan McNeill isn’t the only Trek personality who’s made people curious.

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