We Came To Terms

It’s been a wild ride, but I feel I’ve come to terms with Coming To Terms. Or if I haven’t exactly been able to reconcile that everyone on the internet is some kind of insane, perverted imbecile, then I’ve definitely become desensitized to it. Lately bizarre search strings have seemed a little too normal for comfort. It’s hard to come up with jokes when I see “handsome boy rape by tentacles” or “interesting skull related news” and only think, Huh, it’s just completely normal search terms this month. Nothing odd here.

Part of the problem is writing about weird search terms is it creates a vicious cycle of people arriving at our site via those same weird search terms. Thus  “robert duncan mcneill gay” earned itself another 62 hits over the last 30 days and the list is pretty much exclusively populated with variations on “very sexy rape” and “seven of nine camel toe” or references to assorted “real nerd vs. fake nerd” memes.

So here ends the Coming To Terms segment of our blog. But to commemorate the three years of madness, we’ve put together a compendium of the weirdest and wildest search strings. It’s going to make its physical debut in “classic black and white” at CANZINE 2012 on October 21st in Toronto or you can download a free, full-colour PDF of it HERE. But you should still come to Canzine and say hello.

And as not to leave you in the lurch, here’s the remaining few scraps from September and October…

where are the empire records actors today?: That’s a damn good question. And what IMDb is for. Also, there’s a guy from Toronto named Coyote Shivers in that movie.

long duck dong and girlfriend: There is no mention of Gedde Watanabe having a girlfriend or wife on Wikipedia or IMDb. Therefore we must conclude he is Robert Duncan McNeill’s lover.

iguana boobs: Rule 34.

no to cyber crime law knife: I wouldn’t think a lot of cyber crime involves knives. Outside of The Matrix or Tron, I mean.

fat tattooed: “Yeah, under the skin. On the fat itself. I want to get tattooed where only cannibals will see it when they trim away the fat before stewing me. It’s going to say EAT ME. Funny, right?”

godfather scene swimming with the fishes: Common typo, “seen”. Not too many people know that Don Corleone liked to go snorkeling around coral reefs while on vacation. He often said, “Moving with a school of Pennant fish is as close to flying with a flock of birds as a man can get.”

{searchterms}mad max: I don’t get what’s going on here, but it’s interesting typographically.

wesley crusher meme rebel: I’m not sure what a “meme rebel” is, but I’m pretty sure Wesley wasn’t one.

madonna in the 80’s in overcoat: According to historical meteorologists, it rained a lot in 80 A.D. causing trend-setters like The Madonna to wear garments similar to the modern overcoat.

gandalf frodo and sam paint: One of the few details Tolkien decided to leave out of the Lord of the 
Rings were the frequent stops Gandalf insisted on to “Capture the landscape with a few quick sketches.” It often annoyed Frodo and Sam that the wizard would (literally) magically make his canvases appear to be oil masterpieces while they struggled with their own water colours.

“poo fetish”: I like the use of air quotes here. I don’t want to criticize anyone’s taste in music, but Beiber is just a little too “poo fetish” for me.

were off like a turd of hurdles: I choose to believe no one actually says this.

how to piss off your nerdy friends fandom: Anyone with nerdy friends knows this is pretty easy and scarcely needs a “hot to” written about it. Here’s a few tips though.

  1. Dare to utter the phrase “Chris Nolan is a hack.”
  2. Claim Star Trek is better than Star Wars (or vice versa depending on the circumstance).
  3. Claim Starsky and Hutch is better than Star Trek or Star Wars.
  4. Refer to Data as “C-3PO.” Continue to do so after being repeatedly corrected. Supplementary: Refer to Professor X as “Dr. X”; the Millennium Falcon as “Luke Skywalker’s rocket ship”; Ra’s Al-Ghul as Qui-Gon Ginn.
  5. Explain Firefly got cancelled because it sucked.

nerdy electrician: Mandi’s brother.

jeri ryan real breasts in star trek?: They were actually photonic projections.

kes plus neelix equals no chemistry: I have a theory that the producers were so busy completely freaking out about how Geneviève Bujold was disastrous as “Captain Nicole Janeway”, they didn’t have time to notice the lack  of chemistry between this supposedly romantic pairing.

2 Responses to We Came To Terms

  1. Ro Karen says:

    Oh noes 😦 I can understand, though. I stopped looking at my keyword hits for a while because they were giving me skeevy no feelings more than any kind of amusement. Now, apparently, it’s my destiny to disappoint thousands of British people searching for more information on the Mr. Men and Little Miss books. Any now it’s your destiny too 🙂

    It’s been hilarious coming to terms with the Hurdlers!

    • nerdhurdles says:

      I think people weren’t only looking for poo, rape and Wesley Crusher (in that order or combined), I’d have more material to work with. I’ve felt like in the last three or four months that I’ve just been repeating the same jokes.

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