Episode 175: Hemlock Grove

August 30, 2013

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Hemlock Grove is perhaps the truest definition of a “Netflix Folly” in that it’s a “Netflix Original” series so any lack of quality is the sole fault of Netflix. I talked about the series briefly a few posts ago thinking I’d washed my hands of this dog’s breakfast of a teen horror soap. I wrote:

A Netflix original version of Twi-Blood-Diaries. We watched a whole four episodes before giving up. It wasn’t bad exactly but they were really dragging out the story at about a 2:1 episode to plot point ratio. Actually by episode three it felt like they’d told about one episode’s worth of story. One thing Mandi appreciated was finally there was some vampire enjoying menstrual cunnilingus action—a “sexy vampire” genre pet peeve of her’s is that they never indulge in this obvious opportunity. Anyway, sometimes I think about watching another episode and then… don’t bother.

It turns out I did end up bothering to return to Hemlock Grove a few days after posting the above having found myself in need of something to watch while I ate dinner when Mandi was away for a few days. So I watched another episode, cringed, watched another the next day, sneered, watched another… and so on.

When Mandi returned from her trip, she found herself in the unfortunate position of being forced to watch the remain three episodes with me, I’d passed the point of no return and needed to know how it ended. Welcome home, Mandi.

At this point I’d like to rescind a statement in my previous review: “It wasn’t bad exactly…”

Hemlock Grove really is exactly bad.

It’s partly because they took a book that was more suited to a six episode mini-series and stretched it out to a full 13 episode season. Yet they somehow still manage to rush the ending in the final two episodes. I’ll admit this is only a theory as I haven’t read the book, but I’ve placed a hold on it at the library in order to do a proper comparison—and to answer some lingering questions I have about the plot.

These pacing issues are a good deal of the problem with the series. Also that every second or third scene feels like a non sequitur as characters embark on courses of action for which writers seem to have forgotten to establish solid motivations. It’s unclear if this is a script problem, an issue with the actors’ performances, or if a bunch of interconnecting dialogue ended up on the cutting room floor (or never got shot) for whatever reason.

It doesn’t help the two male leads spend every scene they’re in together trying to out-James Dean each other. The palpable “too cool for school” disinterest in everything that surrounds them makes it difficult to buy their investment in their “quest” to find the rogue werewolf terrorizing the town. The  effect isn’t unique to them, all the characters seem to merely be drifting through life in a state of blasé detachment. Of course this is something that could have had a legitimate narrative or thematic purpose if done artfully.

But it wasn’t.


A BETTER BATMAN THAN BEN

August 24, 2013

So it was announced recently that Ben Affleck has been cast as the new Batman in the upcoming Man of Steel sequel. You know this and, as you also know, nerds completely lost their shit. Even the normally positivist Wil Wheaton took a swipe on Twitter saying, “Really looking forward to seeing Affleck bring the depth and gravitas to Batman that he brought to Daredevil and Gigli.”

Or maybe he wasn’t being sarcastic? Hard to say with that guy.

Anyway, Ben’s is the latest face that launched a thousand memes. Almost all of them suggest a better casting choice. The most popular pick seems to be Karl Urban.

And that makes sense. After all anyone can play Batman as long as they have a chin that looks good in a cowl (as Urban proved he did as Judge Dredd). Plus, it doesn’t matter how buff the actor is because the molded rubber suit they squeeze him in will have all the requisite pecks and eight-pack abs built-in.

The secret to casting Batman is who’ll make a good Bruce Wayne. That’s been the achilles heel of all Batmen from Michael Keaton onwards. Wayne needs a balance of brooding darkness and dashing charm. Bale was too brooding and made for an actively dislikable Bruce. Clooney was somehow too dashing and Keaton was too charming to the point of just being a clown (the less said about Kilmer, the better).

I think this is why people are upset about Affleck being cast, not that he’ll make a bad Batman (his chin seems a bit small to me, actually) but they assume his Bruce Wayne is going to be like his character in Chasing Amy, or worse, Gigli (not that anyone’s actually seen it). Maybe someone like Karl Urban or Clive Owens or Guy Pearce (check him out in Lockout if you’re not convinced) could find that middle-ground between Bale’s emo mopester and Clooney’s “I’d clearly rather be playing James Bond” takes on the iconic role.

But that’d just be more of the same. Who could put a bona fide fresh spin on the role? Who could make it edgy and entertaining? Who could really make their own?

Click to reveal a Better Batman Than Ben

No, really. He’d be great. Really. Fantastic.

First of all, what’s the main problem with the whole Batman premise? Only complete morons couldn’t see that Bruce Wayne is clearly Batman. Maybe Adam West era Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara clearly had heads full of rocks, but all the various Catwomen are supposed to be brilliant. Yet somehow not so brilliant they can’t recognise men they’ve been slow dancing with in the previous scene.

Think about it, when you’re at a halloween party and your friend unexpectedly comes in a Batman costume, do you for a second think, “Who’s Batman?”

No, you say, “Rad Batman costume, Josh!”

A cowl doesn’t disguise shit.

But here’s where our pick excels. His chin doesn’t fit the top half of his face so much, everyone would be fooled. And if you knew Bruce Wayne, as played by him, you’d never expect that guy to be a masked vigilante by night. Everyone would be completely fooled. Even Superman with his x-ray vision wouldn’t believe his eyes!

Okay, yes, he does have a very distinctive voice. But imagine him doing something like Bale’s “Batman voice”… that’d just confuse the fuck out of people. It’d be awesome.

Mark our words: Best Batman/Bruce Wayne ever.


Episode 174: SEASON of the BLACK DEATH

August 23, 2013

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Perhaps an unexpected pairs of  movies for us to pit against each other, we compare and contrast the cinematic masterpieces SEASON OF THE WITCH (Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman) and BLACK DEATH (Sean Bean, a bunch of random unknowns).  Just don’t say we never scrape the bottom of the barrel.


Netflix Follies: Let Me In, Cargo, Pandorum, Predators, more

August 12, 2013

FOLLIES

 complete viewing  ♠ partial viewing   television series 

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 Let Me In: A relatively faithful American adaptation of the Swedish vampire film Let The right One In. So faithful—at times seemingly shot-for-shot—it begs a series of questions: 

  • Why bother to set it in America?
  • Given change in location, why keep it set in 1983?
  • If you’re going to be so faithful about certain aesthetic aspects, why jettison the element that made the original so intriguing ambiguity?

Though it’s laudable Hollywood didn’t Hollywoodize the film, it’s ultimately a kind of pointless exercise. Rather than bringing this story to a wider English-speaking North American audience, they still ended up making the kind of film that would generally appeal to people who aren’t turned off by reading subtitles. Only this time they did it with two leads who, though really pretty good, are just a few ticks less interesting than their Swedish counterparts. At best, anyone who sees this version first will probably want to see the mesmerizing original but will have had the experience spoiled for them slightly.

I had the unexpected sensation of actually wishing they’d bastardized Let The Right One In into some kind of Near Dark meets Twilight mess because then at least I’d be able to say, “Well, I guess they really did have to dumb it down for American audiences,” and then just enjoy it for whatever piece of crap it is.

Of course, if they had gone that route, I’d probably actually have been pissing blood on it, calling their version a travesty. So…

pandorum01

 Cargo: This is a Swiss mash-up of Alien and The Matrix. Yeah, that second reference is a spoiler but they telegraph it so far in advance you’re spending half the film clawing at the screen willing the characters to figure out the obvious. Definite pacing issues. Also, the horror/suspense “hunted by something unknown in dark corridors” element should have been cut in favour of the main sci-fi story. It felt entirely shoe-horned in like they thought you simply can’t have a space voyage movie without it. Since it was ultimately inconsequential to the over-arching story, it wasn’t even thrilling. Otherwise, Cargo is not a the worst twist on the something-goes-terribly-wrong-on-a-long-space-voyage trope—but the bar is set pretty low.

 Pandorum: This is another something-goes-terribly-wrong-on-a-long-space-voyage film, of course recommended to me after watching Cargo. Reading the synopsis, I wondered if it was actually a Hollywood remake of Cargo so I gave in to my curiosity. It’s not a remake, but it’s another film in this sci-fi sub-genre that probably could have done without the “hunted by something unknown in dark corridors” element and been stronger.

Of course, then it’d be more Silent Running meets Event Horizon and less Aliens meets Event Horizon. Maybe that wouldn’t have been significantly better. Still, as with Cargo, it felt like they were making two different movies and sandwiching them together. The titular space madness “pandorum” didn’t add much to the sort of Noah’s Ark gone Planet of the Apes story, only distracted from it.

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Netflix Follies: TV edition

August 9, 2013

FOLLIES

 complete viewing  ♠ partial viewing   television series 

≈ Fantasy Island: Shocked that Mandi had never watched Fantasy Island, I made her watch an episode. And wouldn’t you know? It was the one with the escape artist escaping from Devil’s Island (succinctly titled “Escape”). I must have seen this episode a bunch of times as a kid because when I think of Fantasy Island, I think of this episode. It seriously made me terrified of going to prison. I think it must have been the first time, at five or six, I really got the concept. Anyway, I didn’t remember the other story (“Cinderella Girls”) at all which co-starred John Saxon (who I wrongly insisted was Terry O’Quinn, from Lost). Tattoo was less offensive than I remembered and Mr. Rourke was more chillingly sinister. Is he supposed to actually be the Devil or some kind of benevolent wizard? Anyway, it’s worth watching just for the Rourke bits. Ricardo Montalban puts the gravy in gravitas.

≈ The A-Team: To balance off what I assumed was going to be a terrible experience for Mandi watching Fantasy Island, I agreed to watch The A-Team. When she liked Fantasy Island I bellowed “D’oh!” and shook my fist at the sky. Well, The A-Team wasn’t as bad as I remembered. That is to say the action was still just as hokey but the dialogue and character interactions were a lot more entertaining than I expected. I guess that’s why it was a hit. Anyway, John Saxon was the baddie! What’re the chances? (Pretty good since he was on an episode a week of something pretty much for a whole decade).

≈ Hemlock Grove: A Netflix original version of Twi-Blood-Diaries. We watched a whole four episodes before giving up. It wasn’t bad exactly but they were really dragging out the story at about a 2:1 episode to plot point ratio. Actually by episode three it felt like they’d told about one episode’s worth of story. One thing Mandi appreciated was finally there was some vampire enjoying menstrual cunnilingus action—a “sexy vampire” genre pet peeve of her’s is that they never indulge in this obvious opportunity. Anyway, sometimes I think about watching another episode and then… don’t bother.

≈ Orange Is The New Black: A Netflix original series about a middle class woman’s experience in prison. Mandi’s watched a bunch of these but I only watched the first episode and, maybe, part of another. Perhaps it gets better but I couldn’t shake the feeling the balance between comedy and drama felt really, really off. Or neither were done particularly well. I think the fact I was a little (completely) put off by the lead character didn’t help. I kept thinking, “Well this couldn’t have happened to a shallower, more annoying person.” Which I’m sure was intentional. She’ll grow as a result of her experiences. Which was a little too obvious, too pat. Anyway, I felt like they were trying go for a kind of Breaking Bad feel but didn’t get that same dark, dark humour working. Also, Kate Mulgrew’s Russian accent is atrocious. I was baffled about why they went with that and then found out the show is based on a book. Well, that explains why the character is Russian, but not why they didn’t get someone who could do a Russian accent to play her. It’s not like Mulgrew is any kind of draw. Anyway, when she’s not talking, Mulgrew is the most engaging, least cliched, character on screen. So there’s that.


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