2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog. Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 24,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 6 Film Festivals.

The busiest day of the year was February 10th with 139 views. The most popular post that day was Death Disco Star.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for robert duncan mcneill gay, ugly betty, underworld ass, lindsey stirling butt, and nerd costume.

Click here to see the complete report.

We Came To Terms

It’s been a wild ride, but I feel I’ve come to terms with Coming To Terms. Or if I haven’t exactly been able to reconcile that everyone on the internet is some kind of insane, perverted imbecile, then I’ve definitely become desensitized to it. Lately bizarre search strings have seemed a little too normal for comfort. It’s hard to come up with jokes when I see “handsome boy rape by tentacles” or “interesting skull related news” and only think, Huh, it’s just completely normal search terms this month. Nothing odd here.

Part of the problem is writing about weird search terms is it creates a vicious cycle of people arriving at our site via those same weird search terms. Thus  “robert duncan mcneill gay” earned itself another 62 hits over the last 30 days and the list is pretty much exclusively populated with variations on “very sexy rape” and “seven of nine camel toe” or references to assorted “real nerd vs. fake nerd” memes.

So here ends the Coming To Terms segment of our blog. But to commemorate the three years of madness, we’ve put together a compendium of the weirdest and wildest search strings. It’s going to make its physical debut in “classic black and white” at CANZINE 2012 on October 21st in Toronto or you can download a free, full-colour PDF of it HERE. But you should still come to Canzine and say hello.

And as not to leave you in the lurch, here’s the remaining few scraps from September and October…

Puke Dance: Weird Search Terms, Aug 2012

A lot of the weirdos must have been away from the Internet in August because we got a lot fewer completely baffling searches. Fewer, but not none…

dancing hurler gif: Hmm. Must have been looking for this.

Zombie Boobs and Dragon Cock: Weird Search Terms July 2012

July was a hotter than average month for us here in Ontario. And judging by the search terms that got people to this blog, it was hot on the Internet as well. Well, when isn’t it hot on the Internet?

nerd hurdles empire sucks: The Nerd Hurdles Empire does kind of suck. But what do you expect from an empire that consists of two microphones, a computer and three cats?

zombies boobs: “Like, if you drank milk from a zombie’s boob would you become a zombie?”

guns money and bitches: This pic’s got it all. Plus umbrellas.

oh you gif: I still say the Brits have the cutest insults. “Yes ma’am, you can kill a lot of gifs with this gun. But we don’t really do that anymore. Not since we lost India to the darkies.”

Weird Search Terms June 2012: geeks are truly nerds

we so special aren’t we: We is that. So special we due for a pocalypse.

selene underworld porn pitchers: Toss those videos right in here. Schwing battabattabatta schwing!

بورن هوب سكس سكس امريكي اغتصاب: “Born U.S. hop sex sex rape” WTF ? Maybe something was lost in the translation?  

rape sexy movie for adults: Sure, they’re classics but those Disney rape sexy movies are watered-down versions for the kiddies.

seven of nine cameltoe: Also weird camel-ribs. What’s up with those?

stargate captain carter cameltoe: Carter Cameltoe got a lot of ribbing about his name at the Academy.

seven of nine chakotay fanfiction: That is the least likely… no… just no.

dan mully & foxx sculder: It’s finally happened. Porn stars have run out of names.

“nerd swords”: Starring Dan Mully and Foxx Sculder.

famous people with asperger’s: An interesting LIST though their definition of “famous” seems a little debatable. Oddly, Dan Mully does not appear.

Is Bella Swan autistic – Strange Search Terms (May 2012)

Not a single person searched for “May the 4th” during the month of May. It’s enough to make you lose faith in the humanity. At least the rest of these searches are batshit crazy enough to restore that faith. If “restore” and “faith” are the correct words to use in this context…

is bella swan autistic: This is an intriguing explanation of many things in Twilight. For instance, perhaps this is why Edward can’t read her thoughts. But I think it’s more likely that, given her delight in things that sparkle, she is actually a magpie.

kate beckinsale is insane in underworld awakening: This puts a much more interesting spin on the film. It’s all a hallucination she’s experiencing while in stasis. It’s like the “Indiana Jones died in the refrigerator at the beginning of Crystal Skull” interpretation.

oh you mean fuck gif: Yeah, Gif’s an asshole. Fuck that guy. In related news, I love Mr. Rogers even more now.

pizza on people’s faces: I’m guessing it’s like a “pearl necklace” but with bloody pus from an infected penis.

poutine fetish: I’m not sure it’s a fetish so much as a way of life.

stephen harper rapes kittens / harper kitten rape: Apparently this is a popular subject in hentai anime. Tentacles are passé. Kittens and sociopathic dictators world leaders are in.

Darth Wonka: Strange Search Terms (April ’12)

willy wonka meme chewbacca: Oh, you made a snarky meme? Please tell me all about it. Anyway, Darth Vader inexplicably dressed at Willy Wonka… just ‘cuz.

anal, canada, true north: This is a nicely condensed version of the lyrics of our national anthem. They left out “Strong and free” but you get the gism. I mean fist. Dammit. Gist, you get the gist.

chad kroeger shaved: Some things cannot be unseen. Especially when they’re images you’ve conjured in your head after reading a search string. I’d hate to make you to imagine Chad Kroeger’s prickly taint hairs growing back in but, well, there you go.

angelina jolie real photos: “That skeletal harpie is not Angelina Jolie, Google. I said give me Angelina Jolie photos!”

Do not succumb to porn. Weird search terms, March 2012.

Due to a variety of reasons, I’m way late with our March round-up of unusual search terms. In unrelated news, the world didn’t end.

fashion for 80’s nerds men: A good tip for nailing nerd fashion is to dress like someone in their 80’s.

are birkinstocks for nerds: Only if the nerds are lesbians.

what do mathematicians wear: Birkenstocks.

nerd scum: A colloquial term for the residue build up found on track-pads and mice. It commonly consists of skin cells, sebaceous fluid and Dorito’s seasoning.

the hurdle sex toy: Our plans for the “Wangina”—a combination penis and vagina sex toy—was abandoned. Mostly because we couldn’t figure out what that would look like.

Awesome Crazy Giant Dragons (search terms Feb)

Okay, so let’s just get this out of the way first. Apparently Kate Beckinsale’s ass is the most popular thing on the internet. Ever. I think it’s even giving “zombies” a run for their money. But then, zombies don’t run very fast.

underworld awakening kate beckinsale ass pictures: That is just the crest of a tidal wave of “underworld ass” searches (that one came in a whopping 36 times) this month. Here’s few of the better ones:

• underworld selene ass (13x) — the silver medal winner.
• kate beckinsale underworld ass (7x, plus 3x without the word “kate”)
• underworld girl ass (4x)
• underwirld girl ass — the above wasn’t always spelled correctly.
• kate beckinsale underworld 4 butt ass (2x) — I think “butt-ass” is the new “butthead”.
• kathryn beckinsale ass — the more refined ass Googler uses the long form of her name.
• underwold dat ass — for the more ghetto ass Googler.
• underworld selene butt in tights
• vampire kate beckinsale in lack leder — sometimes these searches are educational “lack leder” is German for patent leather. I didn’t know that. Now I do.
• underworld hot butt — this sounds to me like something you’d get at dim sum.
• kate beckinsale ass pant underworld — actually, I think “asspant” is a better insult than “butt-ass”.
• best selene underworld ass shots  — only the best.
• best pictures of underworlds ass  — only the best pictures of Shane Brolly, plzthx.
• underworld kate ass — For some reason “kate ass” sounds like a condition to me. Like shingles in your crack. “Blimey. Me old kate arse is kickin’ up ag’in like a sack o’ponies.”
• underworld pic ass — I imagine the vinyl tights had Kate’s thong fully wedged in there and it needed to be picked out every night. Sexy.
• underworld asspics — when setting off on a long journey, make sure to pack some vampire butts in aspic. A hearty delicacy.
• kate beckinsale underworld hot — more of a catch-all search, not limited to the butt region.

Search Terms January: Beckinsale’s prosterior and is Suzie Plakson gay?

It’s a brand new year, time to take stock and reflect upon the fact that some things never change…

beckinsale butt / beckinsale ass / beckinsale ass vinyl / underworld awakening ass / underworld awakening selene ass pics / girl from underworld awakening ass: This was kind of a popular search this month. Well, here you go. Pervs.