Butter Turd: 2011 Top Terms

January 3, 2012

2011. It’s over. But before I reveal what the top search terms of the year are—because you all give such a rat’s ass about that—let’s see what December had to offer

Chad Kroeger and Voldemort

Chad Kroeger and Voldemort

azkaban chad kroeger: At first I thought, this is silly. If being a douche-hole was a wizarding crime, then Azkaban would have been overfilled with Ravenclaws long ago. Stuck-up biotches. But then I realized that putting a Deatheater in a cell with Chad Kroeger is probably the only thing that would scare them enough to betray Voledemort. Well played, Aurors, well played.

butter turd: One of the things I find most fascinating about the human body is that even if you eat a diet consisting entirely of milk, you still can’t use your poo for butter.

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November 2011: crippling self doubt and cheesy horror

December 2, 2011

The image below has nothing to do with anything but being awesome. Actual, crazy, IRL search terms that got people to this blog in November 2011 to follow…

God hates Jedi image

wesley crusher ball gag: I don’t think this is a sex thing. Just a “Shut up, Wesley” thing.

wesley crusher porn: I also refuse to believe this is a sex thing. More of a form of torture employed by the U.S. occupation in Afghanistan ever since water boarding got a bad rap.

masturbate on wesley crusher: Okay, this might be a sex thing. I’m wondering who is supposed to be masturbating on him though. My bet is Data.

star trek wesley crusher dies: I found no evidence of this. But I did find this disturbing tidbit: “Wesley has a birthmark in the buttocks or groin area and is allergic to metorapan treatments.” (source)

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Search Terms Oct. 2011: “the internet is a weird place”

November 11, 2011

the internet is a weird place: I have no idea exactly what you’re talking about.

pond anime adult: I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. I hesitate to assume “pond anime” isn’t a thing, because when dealing with anime, anything is potentially a thing. Even a whole sub-genre set in ponds. And, naturally, involving sex.

ponography+word+gaints: “Ponography” refers, as if you didn’t know, to pictures of ponds. The internet is rife with anime ponography. Especially that which involves “gaints”, small creatures named such because they “ain’t giant.”

hurdles in life christina aguilera had: Apparently in an elementary school somewhere Yoda is writing a history report on the former teen diva.

why you mad though: I appreciate how they tried to grammar up the angering “Why U Mad Tho” meme.

hayao miyazaki vs tim burton: This would be a cage match worth witnessing. But, now that I think of it,  I’d also like to witness Miyazaki’s take on Alice In Wonderland, Willy Wonka and Sleepy Hollow. More so than Studio Ghibli’s upcoming Miyazaki-less and rather straight looking take on The Borrowers.

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Search Terms September: Darth Porn and Stupid Giant Robots

October 3, 2011

darth porn: I guess George Lucas is running out of words with negative connotations to name new Sith characters after. Darth Tax Au’dit, Darth Plahd Sh’ert and  Darth Hemor-Rhoid all failed to inspire the requisite sense of menace.

darth redenbacher how to draw tie fighter: This is a perfectly legitimate search in itself. I started formulating a joke about instead giving instructions for drawing a bow tie and then MY BRAIN IMPLODED. It’s taken me 34 years to figure out they’re called TIE Fighters because they look like fucking bow ties. Fuck you George Lucas and your bullshit naming conventions.

huge thai fighter fuck:
I know it’s entirely unrelated, but now I can only picture Orville Redenbacher fucking a Thai boxing ladyboy.

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Search Terms, August 2011: worse than fanfics

September 1, 2011

They say April is the cruellest month. They’ve clearly never been to Ontario is bloody August. Must be the same everywhere though as people clearly went crazy with the heat.

“john de lancie” “stephen harper”: This is perhaps the most baffling combination of personages I have ever been forced to consider. I really hope it doesn’t mean Q is going to play Harper in a bio-pic or a mini-series. Or that Stephen Harper is trying to figure out how to literally become an all-powerful entity. Most likely someone was looking for this forum thread.

gifs, nerdy: Not particularily nerdy, but these GIFs are pretty amazing. Calling them “cinemagraphs” is actually pretty nerdy. Or douchie.

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Nurdle My Grits (search terms July 2011)

August 1, 2011

Things got really hot in July. Both IRL and on the Internet. Once again “sexy rape” is the search term that leads the most people to our blog. Makes me nostalgic for the innocent days of “zombie” domination.

nurdle my grits: I can’t imagine having your grits nurdled could be pleasant in any way, shape or form.

enter this pants love jesus: Even with all the resources of Wolfram & Hart at his disposal, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce couldn’t decipher this cryptic gibberish.

gross star trek nerd: You know what would be gross? A body-paint Deanna Troi onesie. Thank god that doesn’t exist.

star trek porn nerd body paint: What? Why?

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Darth jesus, unicorn pride and cocoroach porn

July 2, 2011

June search terms round-up. The Internet hasn’t gotten its mind out of the gutter yet.

you can take this gu from me: No. You keep it.

the kid hacker: He’s like the Horse Whisperer except he lifehacks your kids so they don’t suck.

is ll cool a freemason: Because of the font I thought this was II as in ii. Like 2 Cool. Which I assumed must be a hot new rapper so I Googled it to be all up in the know. Turns out this is  LL as in LL Cool J, a cold old rapper. And who cares if he’s a Freemason? In unrelated news, you can now call me II Kool.

pictures of science quizzes: I get the feeling some kid spent more hours doing image searches hoping to find their upcoming science quiz with the answers filled in than they ever would have studying.

baltar weird face: There is something slightly simian about it.

nerd with tapered pants: Le. Var. Burton.

darth jesus: I dunno. Darth Jesus seems like such an easy gag. Darth Brooks on the other hand is pure frakking genius.

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Stephen Harper strangles kittens and sexy very rape (search terms, May 2011)

June 1, 2011

Springtime and a young Googler’s fancy turns to the gutter.

stamp fuck it: I wish they sold these at Office Depot along side the “Recieved” and “Draft” stamps. I suspect stamping “FUCK IT” in bold, red letters on documents that cross my desk would be very cathartic.

f for fuckballs: If I ever have a genderless baby, this is the alphabet poster I’m getting it. A is for Assholes multiplying like flies. B is for Bullshit piled up to the sky. C is for cock, everyone’s favourite tweet. D is for Dickheads crowding the street…

turd lips: Weird. Someone discovered Mandi’s secret pet name for me. Even I didn’t know that’s what it is.

انمي sexy very rape: The script there, not surprisingly, is “anime” in Arabic. We also got a search for  “انمي اغتصاب” which is simply “anime rape” without the superfluous adjectives.  This kind of implies there is, reassuringly, no phrase in Arabic for “sexy very rape” which no language should have a need for. Yet apparently English does. Incidentally, the Japanese word for “sexy very rape” turns out to be anime.

anime i adore u: U has so much sexy very rape.

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April Search Terms: Don’t make me release the flying monkeys

May 4, 2011

April showers bring May weirdos. We were showered with odd search terms this month.

don’t make me release the flying monkeys: And if you don’t settle down back there, I’ll pull this tornado over and whoop those ruby slippers right off your feet. Actually a tornado is the only explanation for this search ending up here.

christina aguilera importants events in his live: Gender reassignment surgery, August 2011 — A live pay-per-view broadcast.

significant dates of christina aguilera: Bob Saget, dinner and a movie, no make-outs. Conan O’Brien, niece’s wedding, quickie behind the chapel. Vin Diesel, Swan Lake at The Met, sensual back-rubs. Lady Gaga… Yeah, in your dreams, grandma.

keanu reeves personal life 2011: For some reason I keep thinking Keanu is dead. Maybe that’s just his career.

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March: Urine Batteries and Turd Temperatures

April 5, 2011

how to make urine battery: Bwhaat? Apparently this is an ACTUAL THING. Personally, I look forward to the day when our homes are powered by our own wee-wee.

interwebz internet badass nerd: I was picturing some kind of gamer wearing a special cyber glove and 3D goggles but This is the image Google gave me. Holy fuckballs, indeed.

do i look like angelina jolie: Are you a skull wearing a set of oversized wax lips stuck on the end of a broomstick? But seriously, I love that someone Googled this. And for those who want to emulate Angelina’s look but don’t have a set of wax lips, here’s a handy guide.

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