Episode 153: The Dark Knizzle Rizzles

August 13, 2012

Click to download The Dark Knight Rises podcast

Jakob, Mandi and Kathie discuss the Bane, the Bat and the Cat.

Since recording this episode, I’ve perused a few Internet forum threads regarding The Dark Knight Rises. They’re pretty very similar to the threads about the previous film, The Dark Knight.

They usually start with a few dozen variations on:

“OMG guys! It’s like the best movie EVAR. Nolan is a GOD.”

Then someone has the audacity to write something like:

“Honestly, I wasn’t that impressed. There were a lot of things that didn’t make sense. Like how did Bane’s mask stop his pain? What was that about?”

And then people reply things like:

“It was awesome. End of story.”

“Maybe you should go back to watching Avengers, asshole.”

And my favourite dismissal:

“Some people just like to go against the herd. This troll is just looking for attention.”

And then the guy says:

“No, seriously. I just want to know what why Bane had constant agonizing pain from being beaten up. I’ve never heard of that kind of injury before. And then why would a claw mask make that better? Did they explain that? Did I miss it.”

“You can’t expect everything to be explained. The movie was already three hours long.”

“Fair enough. But they explained what the Blank Slate was in detail. Actually Batman explains it to Cat Woman even though she obviously knows exactly what it is since it’s what she’s after. And every knows what it is just from the name Blank Slate. It was the worst clunky, expository dialogue I’ve seen in years.  So, if they’re willing to over-explain something that’s more or less explained by its very name, why couldn’t they spend two lines explaining Bane’s mask?”

“Hey asshole, no one cares what you think.”

“Whoa, chill. I’m just asking questions. Like if the whole plot is a suicide pact to avenge Ra’s al Ghul’s death, how is it going to benefit the League of Shadows if they’re all dead?”

“I hope your mother gets raped with a  hacksaw”

“Hey, guys. This guy’s clearly an idiot. Don’t feed the troll.”

“Yeah, guys don’t get the threat locked”

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Okay, riddle me this. How did the secret agent guys not figure out the ginormous guy in the hood was Bane?”

“Because he hadn’t talked yet. Duh!”

“Uh, okay. Well, thank you for not threatening to rape my mother. I just really want to understand this movie you guys all like so much. Okay, so then why were the prisoners even wearing hoods? So they couldn’t see they were in the middle of absolutely nowhere? And why wouldn’t the secret agent guys take their hoods off before they took off? Wouldn’t that be procedure? Or just natural human curiosity to see who they’d just taken possession of?”

“Because that was Bane’s plan to kidnap the scientist.”

“Yeah, I got that was how Bane planned it. But that plan is way to contingent on the government agents not taking his hood off as soon as they got in the plane or before. And why was Bane’s plan to kidnap the scientist in mid-air and not on the ground when it’d be much safer?”

“He needed to fake his death.Weren’t you even paying attention?”

“But why did he need to fake his death? How would the government knowing Bane kidnapped this guy change Bane’s ultimate plans anyway? The fact he’s thought to be dead doesn’t really come into play in any significant manner. And if Bane was worried about the governemtn lookign for him, apparently he’d just have to stick a black hood on him and they’d never bother looking under it.”

“Hey fucknuts, we were playing nice. If you’re just coming here to shit on Nolan’s masterpiece and the memory of Heath Ledger, you can go stick a shotgun up your ass.”

“Huh? I’m not shitting on anything. I’m just asking questions. Like why does Batman refuse to use guns by outfits all his vehicles with massive amounts of weaponry?”

“Mods, can you block this guy?”

“Why does Miranda Tate seduce Bruce Wayne? What was her goal there? So she loathes Bruce Wayne enough to blow up a whole city and also, what, get him off a few times first? For no real reason? He already gave her the reactor. She didn’t need to trick him into revealing its location or anything.”

“Spoilers dude. Not cool. You’ve got to STFU. Block this guy, mods.”

“Block me for what? I haven’t said anything offensive or insulted anyone. Less than this movie insulted my intelligence. Which obviously none of you have any of. And why didn’t Bruce Wayne say hello to Alfred in the last scene. He’s just that much of an asshole? Half a sideways glance his all he can spare for the man who raised him and thinks he’s dead? Why did he even need to fake his death when he has the Blank Slate?

And now that I think about it, how does the Blank Slate erase from existence things like every single copy of your high school yearbook or the hard copy of your birth certificate that the government keeps on file? Or newspaper clippings or little league team photos. Or even just peoples memories of you? Like Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne can cease to exist on record but Alfred’s still going to recognize them in Venice. Can any of you brain surgeons explain that to me?

“Hey guys. Joker69 here. Sorry I was away for a few days and couldn’t moderate. Don’t worry I blocked that troll and deleted his account. He won’t be bothering us anymore. Remember, don’t feed the trolls.

ImTheBatFan emailed me and asked me to lock the thread and next time I will. TDK fans have gotten  bad rep lately since Colorado, so play nice. When in doubt, ask yourself: What Would Adam West Do?

“Adam West would do Robin in the ass.”

[Thread locked]

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