April Search Terms: Don’t make me release the flying monkeys

May 4, 2011

April showers bring May weirdos. We were showered with odd search terms this month.

don’t make me release the flying monkeys: And if you don’t settle down back there, I’ll pull this tornado over and whoop those ruby slippers right off your feet. Actually a tornado is the only explanation for this search ending up here.

christina aguilera importants events in his live: Gender reassignment surgery, August 2011 — A live pay-per-view broadcast.

significant dates of christina aguilera: Bob Saget, dinner and a movie, no make-outs. Conan O’Brien, niece’s wedding, quickie behind the chapel. Vin Diesel, Swan Lake at The Met, sensual back-rubs. Lady Gaga… Yeah, in your dreams, grandma.

keanu reeves personal life 2011: For some reason I keep thinking Keanu is dead. Maybe that’s just his career.

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Coming To Terms: Flawed Structures (Aug. 2010)

September 1, 2010


For some reason I thought the WTF factor of people’s search strings had greatly declined in August. Boy was I the F wrong.

old ladys tattoed: Getting tattooed or young people getting old ladies tattooed on them? I hope it’s old ladies getting old ladies tattooed on themselves. Like those paintings of people holding paintings of themselves that go on into infinity.

tattoo of the name ‘riker’: Wouldn’t it be awful to be named Riker and in, say, 1986 you got it tattooed on your back in gothic script? Or maybe that’d be rad.

gay emo nerd: People are usually only one or two of these things. Some go for the trifecta. Others look for them on Google for the lulz.

nerd tweed pants: “Nerd tweed” is a specific weave.

startrek twighlight data: Data does kind of sparkle in sunlight. That doesn’t excuse you from getting your Twilight on my Star Trek though.

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Gingers, Masons and Emo Nazguls (June 2010)

June 30, 2010

ginger pride: We’re all about the Nerd Pride and the Gay Pride but we’ve been remiss in supporting the Ginger Pride. Here’s some questions for debate. Has Ron Weasley hurt or helped the cause? Is M.I.A. prophet or a satirist with her video?

80 year old gay and nick daddies tube: We’re also about the 80 year old gay and nick daddies pride, apparently. Whatever a “nick daddy” is. Sounds British.

how to draw fucking cool things: This is the updated 2010 edition of How To Draw Comics The Marvel Way. It has a chapter just on drawing a kitten driving a giant robotic unicorn trampling Edward and Bella.

emo nazgul:I hate everything.  Sauron is always making me ride all over Middle Earth looking for stupid fucking Hobbits. Hobbits? Seriously? Halflings? It’s not fair. If he’s so great why can’t he just teleport them into his tower? He just doesn’t want me to have any fun. The other Nazguls don’t get it. They just go along with whatever Sauron says like they’re compelled to. Fucking sheeple. I hate everything.”

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Episode 68 – Free Masons From Conspiracy

June 4, 2010

Lots of people think the Freemasons are up to something. Probably because they make creepy websites like this one. But anyone who’s ever actually met a Freemason would realize they’re just a bunch of nerds who want a clubhouse. Check out the guy in this video. I don’t really get the impression he’s part of a world-wide plot. Unless hideous sweaters are a world-wide plot. Which, come to think of it, they kind of are. Open your eyes people!

People also don’t trust the Freemasons because they keep secrets. People generally don’t like people who keep secrets. Unless they’re keeping your secrets. In that case, they have character.

And by “character” I mean being a total square and not being around anyone even vaguely cooly-wooly for an evening (that’s what’s up with the compasses in Masonic imagery). Which is why “having character” seems to be what Freemasonry really is all about. Taking a good man and making him better.

Now, if that doesn’t make you vomit in your mouth a little, you might consider joining your local order. And I want nothing to do with you.

As part of Doors Open Toronto, Mandi and I had a chance to take a look around the Prince of Wales Lodge in The Junction. The first thing we noticed was blue. Blue everywhere. A very ugly shade of royal blue. Everywhere. And a lot of occult symbols. Blue. And weird bric-a-brac. And more blue.

The structure of Freemasonry (clicken to embiggen)

Also there were real live Freemasons answering questions. Sort of. If by “answering” you mean “hedging” and “being vague as fuck.” It made them seem a wee bit unecessarily creepy. That was clearly part of the fun for them. Because at heart they’re all big nerds.

Really, what do all nerds (sci-fi, sports, music, gaming, history, etc) have in common? A vast amount of esoteric knowledge to digest and to feel superior about being in possession of. It seems like the entire structure of Freemasonry is layers of trivia wrapped around an occult mythos. It’s nerd heaven.

Which is also why conspiracy nerds love them so much. Their secretiveness is a goldmine for people who want to believe the world is a little more interesting than the banal reality it isn’t steered by secret organizations. Something’s got to be controling everything, right? It can’t all just be random. Life can’t be that banal and meaningless, right?

Yes it can. Which is why dudes like this make videos:

And if that isn’t enough for you, check out the comments on this YouTube video about the Illuminati putting subliminal symbols and messages into movies. You’ll never find a more distilled supply of head-exploding, deluded ignorance.


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