What’s more awesome than going to the movies? Free ride on a space shuttle? A room full of gold bars? A root canal?
As sure as rolling the dice at the craps table, it’s always a gamble. Who, out of the pantheon of dreaded movie-goers, will be the one(s) to ruin your movie-going experience this time? Remember, the house always wins.
The Loud Eater: We can all rest well at night knowing that whoever had the brilliant idea of selling popcorn at the movies is now enjoying their own special ring of hell. Well, you can’t really blame them. The profit margin on popcorn—especially cinema popcorn—has to be astronomical. Unless “golden topping” is actually made of gold, it should actually be given away free. At every video store I worked at, that’s exactly what we did, at minmal cost to us. The main difference being, no one cares if the stranger beside you at the video store is munching loudly on palm oil infused crunch-balls. At least popcorn comes in the most crinkly bag possible. Otherwise The Loud Eater would have to buy Twizzlers or Doritos—or slurp their 1.5+ litres of soda—in order to make enough noise to drown-out dialogue or ruin the tension in a suspenseful scene.
The Chuckler: Humour is an important part of a movie, even a serious drama. Films are full of all kinds of jokes ranging from extreme slap-stick gags to subtly wry observations. The Chuckler laughs, and laughs loudly, at anything resembling an attempt at humour. The volume of their laughter will often be inversely proportional to the appropriate response to the joke in question. A quip intended to inspire an inward smirk will unleash a full volume guffaw. The Chuckler will always be seated directly behind you.
The Superfan: Most common at genre and series films, The Superfan will inform their noob companions of the back story of every peripheral character, no matter if this information isn’t even integral to understanding the plot. They will also comment on costume design and every single aspect of the story the filmmakers changed or “got completely wrong”. A variation of The Superfan is the HIMDb—Human Internet Movie Database. Expect complete run-downs of the filmography of every actor in the film and projects the director has in development. Oh joy.