A BETTER BATMAN THAN BEN

August 24, 2013

So it was announced recently that Ben Affleck has been cast as the new Batman in the upcoming Man of Steel sequel. You know this and, as you also know, nerds completely lost their shit. Even the normally positivist Wil Wheaton took a swipe on Twitter saying, “Really looking forward to seeing Affleck bring the depth and gravitas to Batman that he brought to Daredevil and Gigli.”

Or maybe he wasn’t being sarcastic? Hard to say with that guy.

Anyway, Ben’s is the latest face that launched a thousand memes. Almost all of them suggest a better casting choice. The most popular pick seems to be Karl Urban.

And that makes sense. After all anyone can play Batman as long as they have a chin that looks good in a cowl (as Urban proved he did as Judge Dredd). Plus, it doesn’t matter how buff the actor is because the molded rubber suit they squeeze him in will have all the requisite pecks and eight-pack abs built-in.

The secret to casting Batman is who’ll make a good Bruce Wayne. That’s been the achilles heel of all Batmen from Michael Keaton onwards. Wayne needs a balance of brooding darkness and dashing charm. Bale was too brooding and made for an actively dislikable Bruce. Clooney was somehow too dashing and Keaton was too charming to the point of just being a clown (the less said about Kilmer, the better).

I think this is why people are upset about Affleck being cast, not that he’ll make a bad Batman (his chin seems a bit small to me, actually) but they assume his Bruce Wayne is going to be like his character in Chasing Amy, or worse, Gigli (not that anyone’s actually seen it). Maybe someone like Karl Urban or Clive Owens or Guy Pearce (check him out in Lockout if you’re not convinced) could find that middle-ground between Bale’s emo mopester and Clooney’s “I’d clearly rather be playing James Bond” takes on the iconic role.

But that’d just be more of the same. Who could put a bona fide fresh spin on the role? Who could make it edgy and entertaining? Who could really make their own?

Click to reveal a Better Batman Than Ben

No, really. He’d be great. Really. Fantastic.

First of all, what’s the main problem with the whole Batman premise? Only complete morons couldn’t see that Bruce Wayne is clearly Batman. Maybe Adam West era Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara clearly had heads full of rocks, but all the various Catwomen are supposed to be brilliant. Yet somehow not so brilliant they can’t recognise men they’ve been slow dancing with in the previous scene.

Think about it, when you’re at a halloween party and your friend unexpectedly comes in a Batman costume, do you for a second think, “Who’s Batman?”

No, you say, “Rad Batman costume, Josh!”

A cowl doesn’t disguise shit.

But here’s where our pick excels. His chin doesn’t fit the top half of his face so much, everyone would be fooled. And if you knew Bruce Wayne, as played by him, you’d never expect that guy to be a masked vigilante by night. Everyone would be completely fooled. Even Superman with his x-ray vision wouldn’t believe his eyes!

Okay, yes, he does have a very distinctive voice. But imagine him doing something like Bale’s “Batman voice”… that’d just confuse the fuck out of people. It’d be awesome.

Mark our words: Best Batman/Bruce Wayne ever.


Search Terms September: Darth Porn and Stupid Giant Robots

October 3, 2011

darth porn: I guess George Lucas is running out of words with negative connotations to name new Sith characters after. Darth Tax Au’dit, Darth Plahd Sh’ert and  Darth Hemor-Rhoid all failed to inspire the requisite sense of menace.

darth redenbacher how to draw tie fighter: This is a perfectly legitimate search in itself. I started formulating a joke about instead giving instructions for drawing a bow tie and then MY BRAIN IMPLODED. It’s taken me 34 years to figure out they’re called TIE Fighters because they look like fucking bow ties. Fuck you George Lucas and your bullshit naming conventions.

huge thai fighter fuck:
I know it’s entirely unrelated, but now I can only picture Orville Redenbacher fucking a Thai boxing ladyboy.

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Episode 114 – Wil Wheaton Special

May 27, 2011

Wil Wheaton. AKA Wesley Crusher. AKA @wilw. AKA the king of the nerds. Hated by Trekkies, loved by Mandi. And now loved by everyone (1,825,339 people on Twitter at least). As a popular internet fauxtivational poster meme states, never has public dislike been so good for an actor’s career.

The man truly is a testament to nerd pride. Loathed by proxy due his spot-on portrayal of a 24th century nerd, I think pretty much everyone had written him off as a has been once he left Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Wesley Crusher in LederhosenThen something amazing happened. Wil Wheaton let his nerd flag fly on his blog, and then Twitter, and people began to love him for all the same attributes they hated Wesley Crusher. He was smart, earnest, geeky, awkward, a little conceited at times, a little cripplingly self-loathing at times and simply someone nerds could relate to.

Though the character Wesley might have been too close to home—too much of an unforgiving  nerd mirror—for many Trekkies, Wil Wheaton was able to be openly nerdy and help others proudly exit the nerd closet.

Nearly two million people follow him on Twitter now and I would think none of them do so for the same train wreck voyeurism they were hoping to get from Charlie Sheen‘s feed. Instead, it’s because Wil really is (to quote the title of his book) just a geek. When an @wilw tweet shows up in your feed, it’s probably no different from the tweets of any of your nerdy friends. There are times I forget I don’t actually know him.

And now, in an unpredictable coupe, Wheaton is the go-to cameo actor for any show trying to gain geek cred. From The Guild to Big Bang Theory, Wil’s coat-tails have been well-ridden of late. If you’d asked me in 1987 if this would ever come to pass, I’d have chortled mightily.

Actually, I’d have thought the concept there could even be a “king of the nerds”, and not just the butt of jokes (i.e., Revenge of the Nerds), would’ve been an absurdity.

We’ve come a long way, baby.

She’s Having a Baby (his first cameo?):

On River Phoenix’s death:


Coming To Terms: Flawed Structures (Aug. 2010)

September 1, 2010


For some reason I thought the WTF factor of people’s search strings had greatly declined in August. Boy was I the F wrong.

old ladys tattoed: Getting tattooed or young people getting old ladies tattooed on them? I hope it’s old ladies getting old ladies tattooed on themselves. Like those paintings of people holding paintings of themselves that go on into infinity.

tattoo of the name ‘riker’: Wouldn’t it be awful to be named Riker and in, say, 1986 you got it tattooed on your back in gothic script? Or maybe that’d be rad.

gay emo nerd: People are usually only one or two of these things. Some go for the trifecta. Others look for them on Google for the lulz.

nerd tweed pants: “Nerd tweed” is a specific weave.

startrek twighlight data: Data does kind of sparkle in sunlight. That doesn’t excuse you from getting your Twilight on my Star Trek though.

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Epside 61 – Complete TOSsers

April 16, 2010

This week Jakob and Mandi talk about the show that, ultimately, brought them together. Without “Star Trek” being in his online dating profile, Mandi wouldn’t have had anything to say  “Brave move” about. Well. One less thing.

Anyway, the original Star Trek must be a big deal because so many people have parodied it over the years.


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